Feeling disconnected with my elder kid

[SimpleLifeGoals]

I had surgery recently and the recovery period was 6 weeks, which I just completed. I have two kids, aged 8 and 3. Due to recovery period after surgery I wasn't able to do a lot of stuff with my kids, which was very normal on daily basis. They asked for me and took care of me for first week. Since then they are going away and I feel like they dont need me at all now. I want them to want me but not with force. Everytime I share this concern with my husband, he tries to support but he end up saying I'm worrying for no reason. I also feel my husband is too much into kids and I'm not getting much opportunity with them. He is everywhere where kids are. And to be with kids, he end up not doing housework. And I end up doing all house work. When I raise this with him, he tells me that I'm workholic and makes up unnecessary work in house. And its my choice to do house work. He laughs at me if I use wrong english and then says sorry I wasn't able to control. This is not the first time, I'm feeling like that. When my second kid was born I felt distant with my elder one. When I raised this with my husband that I'm not here to just do the work. He tried to support and then we had huge fight because he said that because of my insecurities, I have ruined his relationship with elder kid. We tried to fix things and it was fine for a while. But it all started again after my current surgery. And I feel I'm loosing connection with both my kids. Am I wrong in feeling all this?

[Banksy92]

Hello SimpleLifeGoals,

Firstly I just want to say you are never wrong to feel what you are feeling, you are responding to your environment and how you feel is valid.

Family relationships often go up and down as kids go through different ages and stages, this is normal.

Sometimes small steps can make a big difference in the long term though.

What is one small activity you can aim to do together on a regular basis? Choose something everyone will enjoy and is something that achievable. Maybe you could explore ideas together with your partner and kids. For example, maybe it's a walk through your favourite park together once a week? Or a family games night once a month at home... 

I think focusing on a way to build positive memories and add joy to your life will have a meaningful impact. Both for you and your relationship with the kids and your partner.

[On The Road]

Hi, SimpleLifeGoals, welcome to the forum 😊

I'm sorry that you've felt this way, you have just done surgery and recovered from it. We usually feel the need for family companionship during these kinds of vulnerable times. Your feeling is completely valid, nothing wrong with feeling this way.

It's great to see that two lovely young kids accompanied you for a week. But since they are young kids, they might not understand many things. I agree with Banksy that you may try to do small activities together with them, something that I would suggest is not just having pure fun, but also involving communications. I personally know a single mom enjoying family themed movies/series nights with her two kids, they talked a lot about both the movies and their real life, which brought them even closer. This is, of course, better with your husband involved, but the first thing is, the housework issue and the accusation of you affecting his relationship with the elder kid is something that has to be worked on. and in my personal opinion, this may be about you and your husband, not you with your kids. You may need to have some talks with him on this one. 

Hope my post somewhat helps, take care😊

[Petal22]

Hi Simplelifegoals,

Im sorry you are feeling this way and especially feeling disconnected to your beautiful children.

Can I ask if you ever felt disconnected after your children where born Im asking this because when a mother has a baby they can experience postnatal anxiety or postnatal depression fathers can also get this condition.

We can feel disconnected if we are experiencing these conditions.

I experienced postnatal anxiety and I received treatment for this condition which really helped.

I know it feels really tough to feel disconnected.

Have you thought about speaking to your gp about the way you are feeling only a health professional can diagnose.

Im sorry your husband has had said things to you about your English I understand this would feel disheartening because you would want him to try to support you.

Please come back to us when you are ready.