Feeling absolutely crushed

[Lexan]

Always been the rock for others, never been one to reach out but I'm struggling with this and don't feel i have the sort of family or friends that i can to talk to about this.

Was with my ex gf for 4 years, i did everything i could to keep her happy but something just wasn't right with her emotionally. she would often break things off for short periods of time over the period of the relationship at least once a year but i would always find a way to fix it and make her happy again.

She ended it again and this time moved to another city to be around more family and her mum and cut off complete contact with me, leaving me with no reason why and just lost. After 4 months she popped back up and i fell straight back in and before i knew it we were in a long distance relationship.

I would travel to see her twice a month for weekends and was planning to leave everything i had behind and move there for her. I flew there one time to spend xmas with her and got to the front door and she wouldn't let me in, told Me to go back home we are done. I just flew for hours and spent all that money to come see her with presents fir her family and i was dumped on the spot. I was crushed and confused and again no reason why.

Its been a few years and my life has gone nowhere, i tried dating and after 2 failed attempts.( being stood up and the other using me as a rebound) i felt defeated.

Yesterday i found out through a mutual friend my ex is engaged and i honestly thought I'd be numb to all this after what she did and all this time. But it has hit me like a ton of bricks and now im sitting here struggling trying to come to terms with the fact that i still have feelings for her and she is going to marry another guy while im still where she left me.

I've struggled with anxiety since my teens but have a good grip on it 99% of the time.

But this is eating away at me and I'm over thinking, feeling stuck, confused, hurt and not sure where to go from this. I let my life be on hold for years over what happened with this girl and i feel like a idiot for letting my life crumble because it was missing her.

[Ell43]

Hey Lexan,
Welcome to the forums! I’m so glad you’ve reached out here, it sounds like you’re having a really tough time. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with all of this for quite a while.

Break ups suck no matter the circumstances and it's NEVER easy to see an ex moving on, regardless of how long it has been or what transpired between you in the past. I guess the only advice I can give you there is don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling this way. It’s pretty normal to be taken aback by the news of an ex getting engaged. Let yourself feel a little sad about it, it’s ok. In fact, while feeling numb might seem like a preferred options right now, acknowledging your emotions and letting them in is probably better for you in the long run .

In terms of the relationship you had with your ex, I wonder if you feel like she was THE one? It sounds like you gave a lot of yourself to her, but maybe that effort wasn’t reciprocated? You spoke a lot about trying hard to make her happy, but did you ever worry about your own happiness? In any good relationship, both parties need to be happy. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to make your partner happy and ignoring your own happiness, or do you want to be in a relationship where your own and your partners happiness is equally important to the both of you? (sorry if that doesn’t make sense, I hope you sort of get where I’m coming from with that haha).

Dating isn’t easy. Getting stood up or ending up on dates with people who aren’t right for you or have the wrong intentions can be disheartening. Try not to take it personally, I think most people will be able to tell you a story or two about a horrible dating experience. But at the same time… people also have some pretty beautiful stories about how they met their current partner, and a lot of the time the story starts when they least expected it, or when they had stopped trying to find a relationship.

It is literally soooooo clique, but generally we can’t learn to love someone else properly until we learn to love ourselves and be comfortable on our own. If dating seems like a waste of time at the moment, and things seem pretty grim. Maybe try and focus on a different angle? Do some things for yourself and make some “selfish” choices to pursue your own happiness! If you start to really enjoy your own company, that sort of attitude usually attracts other people who want to enjoy your company too!