Feeing guilty, stupid, lazy and like a burden

Songbird88 · ‎21-04-2015

I've always had anxiety and depression my whole life and usually I've been able to keep it under control however recently I've just started uni and a lot of things happened in my life all at once which I think has made my anxiety and depression much worse. At uni I've just started doing law which I got into pretty easily with my marks from high school so I am supposed to be able to do the work however about 1 month ago my anxiety and depression became unbearable. Ive started having extremely bad panic attacks where I will pace around the house, crying uncontrollably and not being able to breath which gets to the point where I'm dry reaching. After these first started I also began to not be able to actually read anything properly and Id find myself trying to reread pages over and over without taking anything in. It got to the point where I couldn't really read anything at all because I couldn't focus. I also can't remeber things I've read the day before which isn't like me I usually have a good memory. I then became so bad that I didn't get out of bed for a few days and only got out because my mum forced me to (in a nice way). I've also found it hard to leave the house and make any kinds of decisions, this has resulted in me not going to classes for a month. I lose all motivation and can't bring myself to do anything... Because of all this I've fallen behind and it feels like everything is on top of me and I cant breathe. The thing that really bothers me is that I know usually I can do the work but lately I can't because I frequently lose days where I should be doing work just either having a panic attack or not being able to focus enough to read which makes me have a panic attack aswell. I feel so guilty about not doing my work on time and that maybe I'm just lazy and that I should just get over it and get on with it but whenever I try when I'm feeling bad I cant. My mum and sister try to be supportive all the time which makes me also feel guilty for wasting their time and making their lives difficult. Sometimes they say things to me like you're just going to have to do it or just do it and it makes me upset because I can't. I also find myself lashing out at them when they are only trying to help which just makes me feel even worse and like they would be better off without me. I look at my life and I can't see that I'll ever be happy and I really don't know what to do... Sorry about such a long post, hope someone can help.

white knight · ‎22-04-2015

Hi songbird welcome

The first point of call is your GP. Depression and/or anxiety needs to be taken seriously. It is unlikely to "just go away".

It is also clever in that you dont think you are unwell enough not to overcome it. We humans need assistance to manage it not cure it. It might well be cured but is often not.

Dont be so harsh on yourself. Often these things are chemical related. Read up many post on here under depression to learn more about it.

Is the world going to fall in if you miss a year of uni?

When we break bones we need rest from using those limbs so they mend. Same with our mind, if its hurt or damaged even temporarily.

Had off to your GP sooner the better. This move will also help your family members to cope. Your contribution to them is peace of mind.

Tony WK

Songbird88 · ‎22-04-2015

Hi Tony,

I have seen a gp and a psychologist but I still can't seem to stop thinking that really maybe I am just lazy or weak minded or just making excuses and there's comes a point where you can just get over it because that's what everyone else does. When I went to see the psychologist she wanted to put me on medication but I said that I didn't really want to immediately go on it I wanted to maybe try some other techniques she could maybe give me to deal with everything, she then said to me 'the first thing I tell people who don't want medication is to put their running shoes on' after I had just told her running to help my anxiety/depression hasn't been working lately at all. After that I felt like no one could really help me and that I will never be able to be happy again and there's no hope for me to ever be able to stop feeling like this. My mum then organised for me to go to headspace and I've seen a social worker and am going to see another psychologist but I just don't know if they will be able to help me and I feel really confused about what to do because maybe i should go on medication because nothing else has worked and to be honest Im so tired of fighting every day but then I worry that what if I take them and I'm not myself or that as soon as I start taking them I have to take them forever. I'm just so tired of all this and I keep trying and trying to do my work and get help but Im feeling like there's really no hope for me and that I'll never be able to be normal again. I even feel bad writing on this because I'm bothering another person with my problems. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting this and I'm so scared about how I'll end up in life when I can't do any of my work. What will I do when I'm a bit older and I can't keep living at home with no job. I never wanted to be like this I always wanted to do something good with my life but it seems like that's not even possible anymore so what's the point in keeping on this fight for nothing when all I do is burden my family who I love too much to keep doing that to

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mrkd1991 · ‎22-04-2015

Hi songbird

What you are describing makes complete sense, and your feelings and emotions are natural. In that state of mind, one cannot simply "get on with it".

Some people are fortunate enough to have caring supportive people in their lives, but they too can have their own issues, they can feel down about trying and trying but not getting anywhere with their friend/family member (you). IF you are trying, which it sounds like you are, then this is not your fault.

Unfortunately there is no quick fix for you, there is no click of the doctors fingers or a magic pill to make it all go away. Trust me, I've spent a long time searching.

Falling behind in your studies can be very daunting, not only are you suffering which has caused you to fall behind, now your left dealing with that as well. Luckily, you can contact the university and speak with someone about your situation. Someone who can't be bothered going is completely different than yourself who cannot go, and they have people that understand that and can provide you with help and support.

You have taken the first step, opening up to others about your problems, and that is one of the hardest steps to recovery. Now you need to seek professional help, starting with your GP. Although we all are help to help you and offer you advice and support, only your GP can move you forward.

Finding the right GP, and not one like my previous GP who "doesn't believe in medication" can be tricky, and I wish you all the best in finding the right one who can get you the professional help you deserve.

I hope I have been of some assistance to you, stay strong, you will make it out of this.