Don't know what to do anymore.

pyrotechnic4892 · ‎15-04-2015

Let me just say that I'm 22 years old, and I've pretty well had depression for the past 15 years of my life. I never fit in in primary school, was constantly bullied and it only got worse in high school. Around 17 years old it seemed like I'd finally overcome my manic anxiety depression after years of feeling suicidal. Although it was always in the back of my mind, it wasn't active. It came back last year. I'm not sure when it started again or why, but it's back again and it's worse than ever. But I had an amazing boyfriend who was there for me and held me when I cried and did his best to make me happy. I always told him not to feel trapped in our relationship because of my depression. I told him that if it ever got too much I didn't want him to stay with me for fear of how I'd handle it.
It got to be too much,he told me in the gentlest way he could that he just didn't love me as he used to. And now I don't know how to move past him.
My depression has always centred around my hatred for myself. I hate everything about me. People tell me it's stupid because I'm kind and beautiful, and part of me wants to believe them, but usually when I look in a mirror I see a selfish, ugly bitch that only destroys the lives of people around her. Including her family and friends.
And now I'm alone. Again. There's no warm cuddles, nobody to sleep beside me at night and tell me they love me. I destroyed the best thing I had because I could never believe I deserved him, and all I can think of is how I should've done more. Been more. Tried harder.
Now I'm just tired of trying. I'm tired of pretending to smile everyday. I'm tired of struggling to keep up at uni. I'm tired of the pain and the loneliness and the emptiness. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of being. And yet I can't end it because I know, somewhere in me, that there are people who love me. I know I would only hurt my family more. But I just don't know how to feel human again.
I've started eating healthy, I'm seeing a counsellor at my uni once a month (though I haven't seen him since my split with my partner as it was just under 2 weeks ago) and I've finally told my family that I've had depression since I was 7 or 8 years old.
I've always had a normal, stable family life with loving parents. But this only makes me feel even more guilty and hate myself more. How dare I feel this way when I'm so fortunate.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of crying. I'm so tired of being alone. I just want peace.

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White_Rose · ‎15-04-2015

Dear Pyrotechnic

I am so sorry to read about your sadness and pain. I welcome you to Beyond Blue and the help and support that is available here. People who write in here each have their own stories but so many parts are similar. You may find it helpful to look at other posts and see the responses by others.

Your comments are so much like mine, especially the 'tired of' part. I know, we all know, the loss of energy, the disappointment of not healing quickly enough and the feeling that there is no more help available. Especially we know how much self-hatred we have.

It's easy to say you are not a hateful person and often hard to believe. Let me ask you a question. Do your family love you? Of course they do so I feel you cannot be hateful to them. Don't run away with the idea that they would not know. Siblings are very good at recognising and telling each other about their faults. You want the truth? Ask your brother or sister.

I gather that you live at home. Would you please visit your GP and explain all that you have written in your post. Better still, copy and print it. I understand you are seeing a counsellor at uni but monthly visits do not sound enough. Your GP can put you on a mental health plan and arrange for you to see a psychologist. These visits, or at least the first ten, will be free or low cost. I think you can also claim a Medicare rebate for subsequent visits. Ask your GP about these things.

As you are at uni, and presumably on a low income, would your parents help with these costs?

Your GP can also prescribe medication which may be helpful. That, of course, is up to the doc. Uni counsellors are in touch with the things that happen there but it seems you need more support than they can offer.

Have you told your parents about your suicidal thoughts? I know it will worry them to know this but they are in the right place to help you. Depression is no respector of people. It strikes wherever it fancies no matter what your age, gender, social standing or circumstances. The Black Dog will bite anyone. Learn to keep yours to heel.

OK I've done enough talking. Please consider what I have said and get more help. Also write in again.

Mary

toobs · ‎16-04-2015

Hi Pyrotechnic,

I'm sorry to hear of your split with your boyfriend. Please be assured, there are many people who love you and love having you in their lives. I understand how you feel. I have been through depression and I am a survivor...perhaps not the best word, but I have recovered from 7yrs+ of depression and I know exactly how you feel. Please believe you can work through this. I wish I can give you a hug. Hugs are great! Hug someone close to you. It may not feel the same as you boyfriend but a hug from anyone can feel great.

I don't believe anyone should hate themselves. You are beautiful. Everybody has parts they don't like but this is how we were made. Who says what the perfect body is or the what the perfect face should look like. You were made unique and you are very special. I film and photograph people for a living and I see many different looking people. They are all great in their own way and you should be proud of who you are, what you look like and even your personality. It's what makes you 'you' 🙂

Please don't give up on yourself. Remember, I send you my hugs and there are many, many people who love you and understand what you are going through. Be strong and get through this, because you can 🙂

White_Rose · ‎17-04-2015

Hello Pyrotechnic

I'm checking in to see how you are travelling. I know it's only been a couple of days since you wrote in to BB but a lot can happen in that time.

I would be very happy to hear from you again.

Cheers

Mary

pyrotechnic4892 · ‎17-04-2015

Hey guys, thank you so much for all the feedback.
Sorry for the delayed reply, work and uni have been very hectic the last few days.
I've spoken to my parents about possibly seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist,and I've booked in with my GP to speak to him this week.
I don't know how good it is for me in the long run, but I am also talking to my ex again. Not in the sense of getting together, he just told me that he's still there for me if I need the emotional support, and honestly just knowing that he's not trying to cut my out of his life has eased a lot of my darkest emotions. I'm not sure how well I'm going to do seeing/speaking with him, but for now I feel it's a necessary comfort to get me through the next few weeks.
It may also sound childish, but I've had a complete overhaul of my physical appearance in that I cut a lot of my hair off and also got more piercings. It sounds strange, but when I go through things in life I tend to change my physical appearance to refresh myself, and it makes it so that when I look in the mirror, I see someone somewhat new and I can run with that. I can run with the feeling of being recreated into something else and sometimes it gives me a strange sense of new-found strength.
I feel like since I posted here that I feel stronger, and I feel more ready to take on this mammoth challenge. I know that people always say "there's millions of others that are feeling the same way you are", but until you speak to them it's still hard to believe.
So I'd like to thank you guys. Knowing that you're here for me, even though I've never met you, means a lot to me. It just shows that there is so much kindness and support for those who'd given up on finding those things in this world.
Thanks guys 🙂

White_Rose · ‎22-04-2015

Dear Pyrotechnic

Your post sounded very positive. It's good you have made an appointment with your GP. Can you tell us about the outcome? I hope you can contact a good psych as I feel it would be most helpful to you.

Talking with your ex is a nice thing to do. It is comforting to know someone cares and will listen to you and support you. A word of caution. There may be no intention of rekindling the romance by either of you, but be careful of putting all your eggs in one basket. Accept support from all those who care for you so that you do not fall in a heap if the ex needs to go away.

Changing your appearance can be a great symbolic thing to do. As you say, it makes you feel refreshed and gives you energy for the next step. But this is only an outward change. The real change needs to happen inside your body. I am in favour, generally speaking, of anything that gives a lift to our thoughts and actions. Often one change can lead to all sorts of other changes. It's a bit like tidying your dressing table in the bedroom and then realising how messy the rest of the room is.

One of the most amazing things that happened to me was to find out I was not the only person who had thoughts and feelings like me. In retrospect it sounds a bit silly but I had never come across anyone who had depression, at least not that I knew of. Just knowing that was so liberating and I stopped being quite as scared.

If you can, please continue to keep us updated about your progress.

Mary