Ex Bf with depression do I help or move on?

[Miranda55]

I had been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we had a perfect relationship.

Until two months ago he grandma died, he was in a job he hated and other things happend then he got depression.

Eventually on one of his downs he broke up with me saying he doesn't want to drag me into it and he needs to work on himself (which I totally understand)

But he contacts me everyday texting and calling. He then had said a couple times he didn't actually brake up with me. And he also calls me Bub again when he's in a good mood and puts x's on messages.

When I don't message him back or call him. He messages me heaps and call heaps and gets hysterical. I thought we were all good again.

But then I said about going to see him and he had another depression down and basically broke up with me again.

It's so confusing he's so dependent on talking to me.

Ive told him not to contact me anymore as I need to move on with my life. And It's hurting being his friend.

Im not sure what I should do. He won't get help. he's cut his friends out and his parents aren't helping. I'm the only one he talks to and he bawls his eyes out when I say I can't talk to him anymore.

what should I do?

[white knight]

Hi Miranda, welcome

I get you loud and clear

Re: "Im not sure what I should do. He won't get help."

And therein lies a very common problem. Why should you risk your future when his efforts to his own future does not exist?

So what is "reasonable" help?

Going to a GP with you and pursuing any recommendations including meds, therapy and counseling

If he isnt prepared to undertake that then his concern for others with his illness isnt high enough a priority. Meaning you are in for a tough time.

Just my view.

Google

Topic: is there room for stubborness?- beyondblue

Topic: does stubborness have a place?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Miranda55~

Welcome here to the Forum, I'm afraid you have a very difficult problem, and sadly one that is quite common.If you have a look around here you will find many in the same fix.

You are basically on the receiving end and it is your boyfriend (or ex boyfriend) who has to take the steps to make the situation better - in other words seek treatment. Breaking off, but still being dependent and getting hysterical are all part of his illness and I'd doubt he's going to get much better without help.

I guess you are the best judge of how much you can take. Trying to support someone with depression is hard at the best of times, and in an uncontrolled state where he is refusing to get help it is so much worse.

It would be a different matter perhaps if he was under treatment and it was starting to be effective. At least you would both have the strong possibility of better times to look forward to.

So if you have tried everything you can think of to persuade him to go to the doctor you are stuck. Can I ask if there is anyone else who might have better luck, perhaps a friend of his or a family member? I know you said his parents aren't much help.

It is no good to your health and well-being to be in this situation. A relationship is where two people want to be together and care for each other. You have been doing ht caring, but he has being doing the breaking off alternating with other signals.

Do you have anyone to support you at the moment? Your own family or friends who you can talk things over with? Who care? It makes a difference.

So I guess it is up to you, to try to persevere with him in the hope something will change, or make a break.

Please feel free to discuss the matter further, it is not something where there is a right answer.

Croix

[Miranda55]

Thanks Croix, this is really helpful. He messaged my mum the next 3 days asking how I was and that. Then has been messaging me asking about me and my day and I've been replying with short Answers. Mum is trying to get him to see someone too. He seems more open to it now.

Do you think if he can't stop messaging me and mum do you think he still loves me

[james1]

Hello Miranda,

I'm sorry to hear you've been put in this difficult situation.

It is hard to say whether he still loves you. Probably, but much as we want to believe in the power of love, sometimes the fear of getting better is stronger.

Like Tony and Croix said, a possible rekindling of a relationship is, right now, entirely dependent on him. If he is pushing people away and relying on you so much, he is not ready to be in a relationship.

It then becomes a matter of whether you want to wait and hope, because he could get stuck for a long time, could come out a different person altogether, or perhaps could come out quickly and stronger than ever before.

Sorry, it's very hard to be in this situation because there are no certainties except that in this kind of relationship, you're putting a lot of faith in him to make something happen. And that's very tough on your mental health as well.

Perhaps you can have a chat to your mum? Has she been helpful to you (and not just him)?

James

[Miranda55]

Thanks James, I try and move on and and tell him not to contact me will this make things worse on him?

[Croix]

Dear Miranda~

will this make things worse on him?

Well the truth is he has a dependency on you now, and if you are being realistic it is not one that can keep on going. The problem needs to be fixed at the cause, and that is with medical help, not calls or texts to you.

You simply cannot prop him up permanently, no matter what he thinks.Your mum has the right idea trying to get him to see someone.

You don't know what will happen but by breaking off with him you may galvanize him into taking some action -seeing a doctor. However that is just the first step in the journey. It takes time and treatment to get him better.

To answer your question I guess he is already 'worse'. While you may wish him well it always has been up to him.

If it was me - and yes it is easy for me to say - I'd think about breaking off, and then later on seeing firstly if he has accepted treatment and is improving, and secondly if you actually want to rejoin, your perspective may have changed.

Croix

[james1]

Hello Miranda,

Croix has made a good point about him already being worse. Let me give you an analogy to help you think about it.

When we are kids in learn to swim programs, we often have floatation devices to help us gain the confidence to swim.

The problem though is that staying afloat is actually a lot harder than moving. So at some point, we need to remove those floatation devices and learn to float and swim on our own.

When we do remove them, the kids are afraid. They have learnt that they can only swim with these things on. To take them off, means they drown.

Yet, given time, they learn.

You are that floatation device for him right now. Perhaps he'll be more afraid, but he won't get worse.

The kid, with or without the floatation device, naturally will sink. So will he. But just as the kid learns to flail his or her arms to stay afloat, so too, we hope, will he.

James

[Miranda55]

Thanks guys! You have all been so helpful. I'm going to cut off all contact with him again