Every I hate myself. I am never good enough

[Stacie]

Hi,

Every day I struggle with low self-esteem. I know I am not good enough, I am surrounded by facts that prove it.

I have moved cities for a job and to be with my partner. But it's been 2 years and I have no friends and I am absolutely miserable.

I have only put on a staggering amount of weight, gotten to the point that I thought I would never reach (obese now). Struggle to figure out what to say people, always self-conscious and awkward. I honestly don't know how to interact with people anymore.

 I don't feel good about myself. I look horrible in clothes. My mother lives far from me and every conversation I have is about my weight. I have tried diets and exercise, but the weight just bounces back so fast and seems impossible to lose.

I feel so alone. Even my partner comments about my weight almost every day. He jokes about it and doesn't intend to be malicious, but we all know what he's doing.

Even aside from the weight I am an introvert and struggle to make friends. But when I do I made a few close ones. But now the best friend I have left is interstate, we don't speak as much anymore because life just happens. 

Everyone around me is just better. They are better looking, smarter, they have lots of friends. People tell stories about their weekends of birthdays and movies and doing fun stuff. I have none of that. 

 Part of my job is doing this other qualification that you have to sit a few exams for. People sometimes say I'm smart. But I have failed every exam for this qualification and have to keep sitting supplementaries. Thank God so far at least I have passed the supp. But even then people study less and do better. I am at a work environment where everyone performs better. 

 Every day all I see are facts of my inadequacy. I have turned into a totally negative person. But these are the facts that I am handed with. How can I make myself feel good when all the clothes I wear look horrible or it's a huge struggle because I'm fat.

 I've been good at sports as a child. I have horrible coordination and already have bad self-consciousness... everything seems to spiral. 

I don't even like my job but another year I tell myself is what it takes for me to get my qualification, but even then I have junior staff who started later than me and have caught up. They are likely to pass the recent exam where I have failed. More embarrassment again.

[TheSteve]

Hi Stacie,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry you are so down on yourself, but can I ask you something? If you feel that you are inadequate, behind everybody else, and always wrong, then how can we trust that your view of the world is accurate? How can we trust that the way you position yourself against everybody else, is true? Quite frankly, I don't believe it. I think you are mistaken.

There are no "facts" that prove your inadequacies, only facts that prove that you and all those around you are equal. Yes, some people may be skinnier or ahead of you at work - welcome to the club! We all answer to somebody and there is always somebody out there that is better looking or has more money, better clothes, better abs etc. than us. That is life. At the core of it all, we are all the same substance, same flesh and blood. But it is our minds that make the difference.

Your mind paints a certain picture of the world, so does mine. The reality we experience will generally fall somewhere close to our view of the world. If we think and act like we are inadequate, we will soon appear that way. There is no truth nor permanence to this condition, but as long as we think this way, then we will likely feel this way and eventually act this way.

Can you challenge your perceptions of the world? Can you see them for the untruths that they are? Can you step out and get the help to do this? Can you reprogramme your mind? The answer to all of these is YES. You can, but only YOU can. Please, do two things for me:

1. Go and see a doctor and get a full physical checkup. While doing this, get a referral to a nutrition expert and have them design a meal plan for you.

2. Get a referral to a good behavioural therapist, pronto.

I can tell you are a most beautiful person under all of this negativity. That person is waiting to come out and stake their claim in the world. That person will be incredibly strong and resilient given the experiences they will endure to come to the surface. Build your support network, do the things you enjoy. Set goals whether it be your weight or a certain amount of exercise, or certain milestones at work or personally. Make sure they are realistic, and take this journey in pieces not as a whole.

We are here for you as much as you need, to help and talk and guide all you want. Please, come back and chat with us, let us help you on this path.

Steve

[Jacko777]

Hi Stacie,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I am so glad you have posted and I am sad to hear how you are feeling. I echo Steve's fine words above and I know many others will understand how you are feeling.  

Are you seeing a counselor or doctor? Maybe it is a good time to talk to your GP or make a call to the BB phone service, time to make a fresh plan to ease your dissatisfaction. I know in the past when I have got stuck in a rut I have had to try hard to make changes, take small steps each day, do something different so I can hope for a different result. It is possible to change the way you are feeling with a new plan and practice.

With help from professionals I came to understand that my fears and phobias were the result of an event in my life. It wasn't my fault, it was a subconscious response to an event that had happened years, decades in the past. 

I also found that it is only a small shift in focus from seeing all the bad around me to seeing all the good. It takes practice Stacie, practice seeing the good everywhere, practice your awareness of how you view the world and pull yourself up when you notice that you are being less than positive. Find the things you are passionate about, the things you love and devote your focus there. With practice it could become a mindset. Love to you.

Jacko

[Doolhof]

Dear Stacie,

Hi and Welcome to Beyond Blue. Steve and Jacko have given you some wonderful advice here and I too have been comforted and encouraged by their words and kindness.

I too would like to encourage you to chat with a DR. about how you are feeling and also for a health examination. Many years ago, I was told I had a thyroid malfunction, so medication to aid the thyroid helped with my general health, my tiredness and weight gain.

This of course may not be your condition at all, but it is best to get everything checked out.

Could you ask your boyfriend to be supportive and helpful in your obtaining a healthier life style? Maybe he can go for a walk with you every day. You could work together making healthy meals with more vegetables.

I'm trying hard to eat fruit after dinner while watching t.v. instead of getting out the chocolate and biscuits!

We all have days where we think that everyone is better than us, the thing to do is to notice the positives in your life. We all have them. Find something to be thankful each day, then try to find three things.

So who are these "People" who tell you they are doing all of these things? With those who mention they have been to a movie, could you ask them if they would like to join you in seeing a movie?

Is there someone at work you could invite to join you for a coffee? Maybe there is someone at work who goes walking at lunch time, you could ask if you could join them, or maybe ask others if they would like to start walking with you?

I hope some of this helps. I know what low self esteem is like and I really do hope that you are able to see your own inner beauty and worthiness.

Please let us know how you are getting on. Maybe we could share healthy food and exercise ideas is you are interested.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren