Drowning.

[Ebony1612]

Hi,

This is my first time posting anything on a forum like this, so I am a little nervous.

My sister suffers from and has been diagnosed with clinical depression. She is around 15 now, and professionals have found it increasingly difficult to treat her depression as she doesn't really want help. Sometimes she goes to the psychologist and will just sit there for an hour without talking etc.

Around September last year I decided that I was going to move out of home because I felt like I was trapped, and I couldn't face some of the issues my sister was bringing up in the household everyday. I felt like I couldn't function normally in that kind of environment. I also felt like my parents were taking out some of the frustration they have about their situation with my sister on me.

In November last year I started seeing a psychologist, about various issues in my life that were causing me stress, and she said that she thought it would be better for me to move back home, and to find a way to deal with the issues my sister was bringing up, rather than face the multiple issues that I was facing out of home.

I moved back home in early December, and used the courage this gave me to end an emotionally exhausting relationship.

But now, I am feeling trapped again.

I don't think I am strong enough to cope with this on my own again, but I don't want to burden my parents with any of this because it scares me, and sometimes talking about it makes it feel more real?

It is hard for me to even write this post, because I feel like maybe I am just being a hypochondriac? The things I am dealing with are not even that bad, so why can't I just deal with them?

And I don't think I have depression, I think I am just having a hard time coping, because I don't think I feel anywhere near as bad as what my sister does sometimes, because I don't feel suicidal, but sometimes I just wish my life would end so that I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore, and other people wouldn't have to deal with me and I don't want to hurt myself.

I tried to reach out to a friend, and say that I wasn't feeling happy, but she just told me that if I wasn't feeling happy I needed to change something so that I am happy.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I am drowning.

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[Jacko777]

Hi Ebony1612,

I am glad you have posted, many on this site will relate to what you are talking about. Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

Try not to compare yourself to your sister, you want to be clear about your own condition and your own mental health strategy. Is it possible you can get back to your psychologist, make some fresh plans?

Perhaps you could use a new view of what you are dealing with. Maybe you could write down the things that are concerning you, then start making strategies and goals in each area, work each area back to what small positive step you can take today. Small steps each day will take you closer to happiness and calmness.

Have you tried meditation? Do you have any tools that your psych gave you that might help now? Keep us posted.

Jack

[MickeyM]

Hi Ebony.

dont be nervous, I'm fairly new here too! 

It seems like you've quite a lot going on at the moment, with your sister, your parents, the relationship you've ended. I noted that you referred to 'multiple issues" It's sometimes really hard to see the forest for the trees when you feel so bogged down and overwhelmed. 

I think that seeing your psychologist is a good idea, maybe go to your GP for a mental health plan so that you can get subsidies (sorry if you already knew this, but we don't know what we don't know and I'd rather say something you did know than not say something that you didn't...does that make sense?)

One thing I like about seeing a counselor regularly is that they can help you take 'baby steps' or 'one step at a time' without being overwhelmed.

Please don't compare how you're feeling to your sister. You're important, too.

[MickeyM]

Sorry, I accide pressed Post.

Just one more thing to consider "If I knew then what I know now, I'd Know that I was going to be OK" As Jack mentioned, try writing things down for clarity, make small achievable goals to help build up your self-esteem. Consider more counseling to help you with this. You're going to be OK.

Keep in touch

[Ebony1612]

Hi Jack,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, I usually use lists as a way of coping; so I write down all the things that I am worried or upset about and think of ways to deal with them.

I also write a list of goals usually for the day or week of things that I want to get done... so if I have an assignment due for uni or something. I find that helps keep me on track, because sometimes when I don't know what I should be doing I just get nervous and worked up and end up not doing anything, and then it just gets worse from there.

I also have a sheet my psychologist gave me of qualities, and go through this when I am feeling upset and down... it's just qualities that I value in myself, and I find that helpful as well.

[Ebony1612]

Hi Mickey,

Yes that's true, sometimes I need to talk to someone to put it all in perspective I guess. Problems can seem bigger than what they are when you're up close, but I find it hard to step away on my own sometimes.

Yes I have a mental health plan from my GP but thank you 🙂

[MickeyM]

Hi Ebony

Im glad your doing your best to keep up with uni, well done! It's so important that you don't get swallowed up or drowning in everything else that you get left behind. Another saying to keep in mind "you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time". 

I've been pretty upset over the total lack of support I received in the past, even though I wasn't in hospital or anything, I still asked for help, and the responses I got were really not helpful. In hindsight they were actually detrimental and probably contributed somewhat to other issues. In your original post, you put that you don't think you have depression, you just need some help to cope. Again, well done for reaching out! 😉 You shouldn't have to hit rock bottom before you get support. It's like anything else, say a car makes a weird noise-you get it checked before it becomes something serious. Keep seeing your counselor, maybe ask a lecturer or student support at uni for help with assignments or time management. 

I'm no counselor, but it really could be worth considering moving out and into a safe environment where you can thrive. My advice would be not to rush into anything, you don't want to leave one stressful environment for another. Please talk to your counselor or uni before making decisions like this (In my late teens, I was kind of relieved to get kicked out of home because that was my guilt-free ticket of leaving a stressful environment. Until I found myself with nowhere to stay, not even at my Dads. I ended up bouncing around for about 6 months, failed uni, it was a mess. Moved back home, only to get kicked out again 6 weeks later. Only next time, I planned where I would go.) 

Good luck. And by the way, I don't think you're a hypochondriac. I think you're doing the right thing, seeing a counselor, keeping up with uni & writing your post here.