Dreading my birthday

[Smareeb]

Hey everyone,

 I love birthdays and christmas and all those cute little holidays. Except my own birthday. I used to love my birthday but over the years i have learnt to dread it. Its my birthday in 3 days and i really just dont want it to come.

 Last year i turned 22. My mum called me to tell me that she had no momey to buy me anything because she had just spent money on my brother. Now this would be fair enough except for the fact that when her borthday comes around i am expected to buy her a present and that she wasnr comigm to see me because she was busy. It really upset me and i told her that only to get back that i was ungrateful. And i do feel guilty as though it was my fault but i dont really know what i did wrong. In all honesty she really didnt have to say anything she could have just said nothing and asked me how my day was. I woll be 23 in 3 days and i was planning on just going to dinner with my frienda and not making a big deal out of anything. I decided today to invite my family and it has stressed me out to the point of tears because i dont feel like they deserve to see me on my birthday.. Maybe thats wrong and a little crazy. My birthdays are always treated this way within my family. We never go where i want to for dinner or we never get the flavour cake that i want. I know this is all little petty stuff but it does get to me. And maybe it should and i should just get over it. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Thank you,

 -s

[Kazzl]

Hi Smareeb - and happy birthday for three days time! I say that because it should be happy, especially at your age. I'm 30 years older than you and personally I think birthdays are overrated, although my hubby says having another birthday is better than the alternative, which is true! Someone else I know who's even older, when asked what they want for their birthday always says 'another birthday'. 

Anyways, sorry, that doesn't help you. The great thing about being your age is that you are truly an adult now and can really start to make your own life. I know family are still a big influence and they can be wonderful, but they can also be hurtful. How you deal with that is your choice. It's your life to live. I suspect the problem you're experiencing now is not so much about the birthday as the relationship with your family. Thing is, you can't change other people, but you can change how you interact with them. You can decide not to let them get to you, because you have your own life to lead.

I hope the celebration goes well, but if it doesn't, try to chalk it up to experience and learning, and next year make it your own.

Best wishes to you

Kaz

[Zeal]

Hi Smareeb,

Welcome to the forum!

I turned 23 earlier this month, and two friends who turn 23 in Feb as well! So happy birthday for later this week! 😄

I view my birthday in a fairly relaxed way, probably because of my personality, and also because I don't really have big parties to celebrate. I never had a 21st, partly because I lost contact with school friends when I had a bad bout of mental illness at 19. I joined a new group of people early last year, so this year I invited about 15 people to my house to swim and hang out for my birthday. It was very low-key, but that's what I wanted to do 🙂

It's a shame that you feel uncomfortable and stressed about sharing this birthday dinner with your family. Don't worry about sounding petty. Having interpersonal conflict with family members can be really upsetting. As Kazz said, the main concern is the way you feel toward family members, rather than your birthday itself. This conflict becomes more pronounced and apparent on a day like your birthday.

I can't think of any specific advice to be honest, so sorry! I hope you enjoy your birthday with friends, and can have a low-stress dinner with your family.

Best wishes,

SM

[Doolhof]

Hi Smareeb,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Birthdays and relationships can be difficult at times. Happy Birthday for three days time!

Okay, so you have decided to invite your family to your birthday and you are already stressed and upset by it all. Hopefully you have an easy menu planned and you have ordered a cake of your own choosing. It is not always easy having a relaxed family get together for lots of people.

I suggest that you also plan a gathering with your friends. I personally like to celebrate my Birthday for a week! I have a family get together and a couple of lunches or even afternoon teas with friends. I attend Church, so I take a cake along there for morning tea and people sing Happy Birthday.

Sometimes I gather friends together for my Birthday, but don't tell them it is my Birthday. That way there is not a lot of expectation for something really special to happen! Ha. Ha.

Make your Birthday what you want it to be. Try not to hold on to regrets and sadness. I know too well that is not always easy to do! Try to make the most of everything you do have!

Would you like to share your Birthday plans with us?

Cheers for now from Dools

[Narniakid]

Hey Smareeb, thank you for sharing, and happy early birthday!

I agree with Kazzel; you're old enough now to decide whether or not being with your family on your birthday will enrich it or spoil it. Yes, family are important, but so is your happiness, and you need to find a happy medium. Perhaps you could choose to spend time with your family, but on a different day either before or after your birthday. I usually do this for my own birthdays because I like to spend it with either my friends or my partner, and then I see my family on the closest weekend. 

I also urge you to not have high expectations; many a birthdays have been disappointed thinking they'll be some extravagant day that goes perfectly and all your dreams come true. Be realistic, be content and put yourself first! 🙂

Crystal