Does the sadness last forever?

[LuLu_]

Hello to those who are reading

I have been struggling with severe depression for a couple of years now. There have been many influential and significant events in the most important years of my life that have shaped who I am and I believe I will forever be changed for better or for worse.

I was wondering. Will a small piece of my depression be with me forever? Will a small piece of the extreme sadness I have felt stay within?

Please share your recovery journey or any thoughts that are on your mind. Any support and knowledge would be appreciated.

Lulu

[LuLu_]

Comforting*

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandy,

Welcome to you, you are certainly most welcome to join in here and anywhere on the forums. The more the merrier!

I too much prefer the winter, I have so much more energy and enthusiasm in the cooler weather. I feel it is easier to get warm than it is to feel cool on a really hot day.

The relapses can be very disappointing, for me, I try not to dwell on them for too long. It can be horrid when you are in that dark place trying to find a way out.

Right now the dogs next door are barking and have been for a couple of hours or so. I am trying hard to not concentrate on that as I know in the past the barking dogs have me spiralling downhill rapidly!

I will leave watering my outside plants for later on when I hope those darn dogs have shut up!

It can be the smallest thing that triggers us! Time to turn the radio on and have a bit of distraction!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Lulu,

You have made a very interesting point about "relapses or is it just stepping back in your recovery." For some people that would mean a totally different thing, for me and the way my brain works, I see it as the same or very similar.

My psych will tell me that words like "should" "could" and "would" are not positive words. To me they are strong, positive words to help encourage me as I don't see them as negative. Guess it all depends on how we perceive things.

So maybe "relapse" is not the right word to use? Do you think it is too negative? Maybe if I regard my low mood happenings as a temporary glitch in the system of life, I won't be so hassled by them!

Your words and thoughts have helped me to have a revelation Lulu! I don't need to see these low days as something so horrible, just a glitch!

I don't know that the time frame of a glitch matters, if it happens it happens, if it is for a short period of time or for an extended time.

Hey, I am like this idea of it being a glitch in the system! Something that just happens without any real reason or purpose. Something that can be fixed! Thanks Lulu!

I'm really sorry to read that you are in a tough spot at present. Your post was a few days ago, I hope you are doing okay Lulu.

Animals can give us an amazing feeling can't they! Hope you have time to spend with your horse and pony.

If you would like a virtual hug of encouragement, I will send you one now.

One day at a time, one moment of hope, one thought of believing you will be okay. These things I wish for you.

Cheers to you Lulu.

[LuLu_]

Feeling the weight of he world on my shoulders and that I can’t do anything right. Everything feels wrong. Living hurts. My heart is tired and I am ready to stop trying. My brain is starting to stop caring. I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do or how to handle just being. How can I just be when all I want it to be unconscious

[smallwolf]

My take on your question is... there is no solution to that problem. I think that some will, some won't and it each individual is unique.

Regarding your last post, what coping tools to you have or use? Recommened by my psych is one app containing distraction tools which is includes word puzzle that only contains positive words. Oddly enough that can work, if I do three puzzles in a row. Have you tried deep breathing exercises or meditation?

Croix also mentioned Smiling minds. It includes meditation exercises I mentioned above.

Know that you are not alone, my daughter get stressed quite easily. And a friend of her also suffers from anxiety - I have spoken to his parents about anxiety.

Is there some IRL who you can talk to? While I am much (much) older that you, from my own experience, trying to work out out all alone is not ideal. Though talking here is the next best thing?

To change the topic... can I ask what goals do you have? working with horses?

[LuLu_]

Right now I wish I was insignificant. My parents become so worried and stressed about me when I get worse. I just wished I didn’t matter so I could just disappear in the minds of those who know me.

I think I have had a relapse. But I don’t really care that much. I don’t really want to try right now. I am sort of over life.

Should I feel ashamed for not wanting to try?

My psychologist told me that if I don’t want to get better I won’t. But I don’t really care. Is that a decision made by me or my depression? Should I feel like I am a bad person?

I am having urges again to SH. I am not distressed at this moment. I just don’t really care about my existence. I wish someone else could decide whether I was worth living or dying. I don’t have the feelings to make that choice right now so I will continue to exist an unsatisfying existence

sorry for being morbid

lulu

[Ggrand]

Hello Lulu,

Can I be that someone for you? Lulu you are so worth living, please don't ever think any different. It's your depression telling you all these unhealthy thoughts, and Lulu hun, you are not your depression, you are beautiful, sensitive and caring..

Your parents love you so much Lulu, that's why they worry so much.. Don't feel ashamed for not wanting to try...Because, before the relapse you were okay and trying maybe even enjoying life a little,

This is a phase your going through, Lulu you weren't always like this and you won't always be like this, your going through a phase..

Can you try distracting your unhealthy thoughts by doing something that you like..maybe some music, internet Games, reading... Just doing something to give your mind a little holiday from your negative thoughts..

Just curious,if your still receiving professional therapy, if not is there a way that you would consider getting some?

Please look after yourself and let me know how your feeling.

Kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[LuLu_]

Hi Grandy

I am receiving professional help. My psychologist is sort of trying to get me to think about schoolwork and how to give up now would be a mistake.

I feel like I was trying so hard a few weeks ago but now I am so done with trying. I just want to not have to try right now. I just want to have a break and just not do anything.

Sure it makes me feel like the worst person in the world but I just am so exhausted. I want to go somewhere where I don’t have to try so hard.

Why cant I just stop for a while? Why can’t I just sleep too much and watch movies and go for walks and just feel okay rather than this pressure to always have to do my best.

I always try and I am so tired of it.

Thank you so much for your reply. Thank you for your support and encouraging words and for not expecting the world from me. Maybe I will stay for a while and listen to others. It’s nice to not feel so lonely

lulu

ps: how are you?

[james1]

Hi lulu,

I remember speaking to you a little while back. I am so sorry to hear that you feel like things have gotten worse again.

I am getting a little bit tired today so I hope you don't mind if I have a short post, but I really wanted to reply to you.

You said: "Why can't I just stop for a while?"

I am not sure how to say this, but: you absolutely can, and from the sounds of it, perhaps that is what is best for you right now.

It can be so so tiring to just keep on keeping on, as people tell us to do. They say, "do this, do that, and then do this to get better". I think people have the right intentions, but they forget how tired we are.

Do you know what my best times were when I was feeling really bad 2 years ago? It was being in hospital where I had nothing to do. Some people said I was lazy, some people say it's boring...but to me, I had been trying so hard to be normal and to do things that everyone else seems to be able to do, that I was just exhausted.

In hospital, I didn't have to do anything. People brought me food. People asked if I needed water. Then they left me alone. Of course, it was only a temporary respite but it was really nice.

So I totally get you and I absolutely encourage you to just tell people that you are exhausted.

If your psychologist tells you it's a waste to not do your homework, tell her you are really really tired and you have no energy to do it. Your psychologist is not your teacher - they are there to support you emotionally and find a way forward. If she only makes you feel bad, perhaps speak to your parents and find another.

On that note, do you speak to your parents much about how you feel?

We can feel so tired because hold everything in. Sometimes letting things out regularly can really reduce that burden.

Hope you can start to feel better soon.

James

[smallwolf]

Lulu,

Hi. Me again. I hope you don't mind me asking a question or two and note that you do not have to answer them here. But please consider them.

With your recent thoughts have you spoken to your parents or GP or psych about them? If not, why not?

When I mentioned some problems I was having to my psych, it was her who told me to see GP regarding medical certificate.

The pain you feel emotionally is real.

I also hope that you have safety plan, etc. Grandy also had good ideas about distraction tools. And in my previous post I also mentioned some applications you could install on a phone. One of these was virtual hope box. Did you have a chance to look at these?

Do you like music? Who is your favourite artist? I also like to listen to music when I feel down. Sometimes it doesn't work, but we have to try?

Has your psych suggested any distraction tools? Do you find they work? Or not?

Please note that your parents do care about you and that you matter.

Peace and comfort to you in your time of need.

Tim