Disgust

[freemefrommydemons]

Has anyone ever repressed traumatic memories, and then suddenly just remembered what happened? I was going through a website about sexual abuse, and although I had already known I was sexually abused, I had forgotten the other time, honestly I had shoved it to the back of my mind and then all of a sudden the memories flooded back in. I feel so disgusted, and lost. I feel unclean, because at the age of 7 I was already being abused, and I just feel.. i dont know. Lost, disgusted and sad. I've been losing hope a lot lately, that im never going to be able to feel happiness again since its been so long and this has made me just withdraw, and lose even more hope for life. Im just rambling now, sorry

[white knight]

Hi freemefrommydemons

I have not had lost memories. I dont have an answer. But I do have a huge amount of respect for people like you that have endured sorrow and hurt.  Stay on here Hope someone can answer your questions.  We are all anonymous caring souls, some with similar experiences that want to help.

Cyber hug 

[freemefrommydemons]

Thank you. I feel like I am never going to get a break, just as I think I am finally making progress something sets me back and I feel back to step one all over again. I dont know how much longer I can keep this up, I am getting so tired and running out of strength to continue. I dont know what I have done to deserve this life, and everytime I think of it I feel disgusted, like I deserved it all

[white knight]

Hi

Anon had some sound advice.  Find some more fight freemefrommydemons, you can do it. You have made the best progress so far. Come on, keep going.

[AGrace]

Hi freefrommydemons,

I can relate a little to what you're saying. The mind definitely has this protective mechanism which kicks in after trauma, and often we don't recall or think about past offences because we are not yet ready to deal with them. It's completely understandable that at the age of 7 you wouldn't have been equipped to process what was going on and how it was impacting you. I'm happy to share a segment of my story with you.

At the age of 16, after being with my boyfriend for 8 months, I accidentally fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby. I had been going to obstetric appointments, we'd purchased nursery furniture, I'd heard my baby's heartbeat, and we'd seen an image of him/her. At 22 weeks my boyfriend decided that he didn't want to keep the child, my parents then thought it would be best for me to terminate. Being so young I had little choice. At 25 weeks I ended the pregnancy. 2 weeks later I was still healing emotionally and recovering physically from the procedure. One night I stayed at my boyfriends place and woke up to him raping me. It was a nightmare come true. I couldn't understand why he would do this to me, and I felt too ashamed to tell anyone. How could I admit that the guy who was going to be the father of my child had violently assaulted me?

I didn't so much as forget the instance, but I never told anyone about it, and pretended for many years that it never happened. Over the last couple of years I have been dealing with a lot of issues regarding my mental illness. I started to feel better for a bit and that's when it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I couldn't get the memory of that night out of my mind. I couldn't stop myself from feeling all the shame, disgust, hurt, and sadness. I decided I had to tell my Psychiatrist and my current partner what had happened 17 years ago. The strange thing was it felt like it had only happened yesterday. My Psychiatrist told me that it's really common to suppress trauma and then have it come up when you get to a point where your brain thinks you can handle it. Telling her was the best thing I'd done. It wasn't my dirty secret anymore, and now I know that I was the victim in the situation. It was my ex boyfriend who was disgusting, shameful, and hurtful. I'm dealing with it better now. Sometimes I have dissociative episodes and my brain takes me back to that time, but I've forgiven myself for being powerless to stop it.

Through sharing this I wanted to pass on some hope to you.

AG

[freemefrommydemons]

Wow, thank you very much for sharing that. It takes a lot of courage! 
I was as I said 7 when the first attack happened, and he was sent to jail. It gave us some relief but I never knew the damage it would do to me later on. When I was aged 10-12, for about 2 years I was victim to a family member abusing me, at the same time someone in my neighbourhood was doing the same thing to me, I put it to the back of my mind and it has completely destroyed me. I didnt tell anyone about anything, and for many years people questioned why I wouldnt 'hook up' with any guys and left me being bullied because of it, at the same time my best friends would joke about the abuse that happened to me as a child and told me I made it up. So I constantly had reminders, it wasnt until this year (now 19 almost 20) that I told my psychologist, but since then all I have had is flashbacks and more memories come flooding in. Im honestly lost. I decided to drink last night, which is never a good idea but I got completely 'off my face' and lost my sense of security, having impulses to go and attempt, which luckily I didnt and had guys getting quite close all night. All I wanted to do was scream and cry but instead I kept drinking more until I forgot everything. I know I should feel angry at the abuser, but I feel like I should of been able to stop it. I feel so conflicted. 

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[AGrace]

Hi freefrommydemons,

The flashbacks are tough, especially since they feel so real. Thanks for sharing what happened to you. I can imagine you were probably wondering why it was happening to you - especially from so many different people. The thing is there was probably absolutely nothing you could have done to stop it. That's how pedophiles and abusers work, they have this way of taking away all of your power, your voice, your ability to speak up and ask for help, and I don't mind admitting that sometimes you even think somehow you deserved it.

I was the exact opposite to you, I spent years having relations with various partners to try and erase the memory, to try and reenact the sexual act and be able to stay stop. I do understand that it definitely leaves you feeling like men in general are animals. At one point I questioned my sexuality and wondered whether I would be better of having relations with women.You never think at the time that you'll carry it with you for so long but you do.

One of the most powerful things my Psychologist did with me was to send me back to that night and to ask that 16 year old what she needed. Not even realising it I'd started crying and screaming out "tell me it will be ok, hold me and take it all away". So now whenever I get the memories or dissociative episodes that's exactly what I do, I tell my 16 year old self that it's ok, and that I'll protect her forever, and that I'll never let her get hurt again. It's my job now as an adult to provide that child self with comfort and a safe place. It doesn't take the memory away, but it does help me cope with it better.

Are you in a place now where you are in a relationship? I wonder too what you would say to your child self if you had the chance?

Sadly, as I think you know, alcohol isn't the answer. It's just a band aid for a problem that needs stitches and bandages. Escaping and ending it is also not an option. I'm a survivor of attempts. It only punishes you, when what you really need is love, kindness, nurturing, and security.

Tonight I send you virtual hugs because I think that's what your child self needed at the time instead of what she got. xx

AGrace

[freemefrommydemons]

Thank you so much for replying! Last night was very rough, I had very vivid flashbacks and I almost felt like my soul was trying to leave my body? It was a very very weird feeling, I just did not feel right. I knew that I could not harm myself as I had my first class of uni today for the semester, and although I did not sleep very well at all I still managed to keep myself safe. 
I did the exact same thing, questioning my sexuality just because I had such a fear of men, and if I see a man with the same charactaristics as my abuser I end up running in the opposite direction. Embarrasing! 
That sounds like a wonderful idea, I dont know what dissociating is, but I have 'impulsive episodes' as my team likes to call them which leaves me feeling as if I have no control over myself and often I am unable to stop myself from harming myself. Lucky I havent had an episode in a week now. 
Im not in a relationship, and I have never had one. As I said its taken me this long to even let a boy touch me, and I have to be drunk for that to happen. I suppose if I was my younger self I would tell her that she will be okay, that she will get through it and to speak up, dont believe the lies they told you, he cannot hurt you anymore. 
I know ending it isnt an option, but in those instances you dont see a way out. Like you I have had multiple attempts to end my life, however I have been saved thanks to my freinds and family. 
I guess at the moment I am most confused at all my sisters (not sure about my older sister) had been through the same abuse, however they do not seem to have any problems, I wonder whether thats because they were so much younger? 3, 5, (myself 7/8) and 10. I only know of one of my sisters with a small amount of trouble, such as fear of going outside at night, but nothing to the extent that I have. I literally hid everytime I heard a car coming, I could not stay outside later then 4 oclock, I refused to be alone, and couldnt sleep in the dark by myself until the age of 17. Im just very confused as to why I have so many issues surrounding this. Am I weak? 
Thank you again xx

[AGrace]

Hi freefrommydemons,

Apologies, I missed your reply.

There are probably a number of reasons why your sisters weren't as affected as you. Firstly being younger would be a contributor, they were just babies so they probably didn't feel like they could speak up at the time or stop it, and they may have therefore come to terms with this. We also don't know fear (except the fear of falling) until we're about 8, so at the time they may not have experienced the same terror as you, they wouldn't have known any better (sadly). Some of us are born more sensitive than others. This isn't a sign of weakness, sensitivity can actually have positive aspects too. 

I wanted to ask you, because you have mentioned thoughts of Self harm and suicide, have you ever been checked for Borderline Personality Disorder? I'm no expert and obviously can't diagnose you, but your symptoms sound very familiar. You may wish to google this, and speak with your Dr about. Forgive me, I don't recall are you seeing a Psychiatrist at the moment?

I like what you decided you would tell your younger self. It would be worthwhile repeating that, particularly when you have flashbacks or urges.

I get what you mean by running in the opposite direction. I can't watch someone possibly being raped on tv, it just about makes me sick. Even if I don't see it, but I think there's a chance that it's happening.

I'm going to go back to the Psychiatrist comment, what professional help are you getting at the moment?

I hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

[freemefrommydemons]

Thank you for your reply AGrace. 
Oh okay, yes that does make sense I suppose. The stranger thing was I didnt come forward about it, my younger sister did and when my parents found out they asked us all if it happened to us and instead of saying yes I said no, I still question why I did this. 
I definately do think I was born a lot more sensitive, its mostly just annoying. If someone comments of something I do, or gives me any critism I tend to end up crying, and when I was younger I would cry so much but as I have grown up I have learnt to I guess hold back the tears until I am alone, because I now feel as if no one is allowed to see me cry, it makes me look too vulnerable/weak? I know this is a wrong statement but I still cannot convince myself to. 
Ah yes, I have been after spending 20 weeks in and out of hospital and recovery wards the psychiatrist at the clinic told me I would most likely be diagnosed, but it wasnt until early this year after a suicide attempt that I was diagnosed. At the moment I am seeing 2 gp's, one for monitering of my eating disorder, and the other one for I dont even know what he is for! Haha and I am having fortnightly sessions with a psychologist. 
After a session with my psychologist today it was very hard, but worthwhile speaking to her about everything, especially as she is the only person in my life who I have told about any of the abuse. 
Overall it has been a difficult week