Debilitating intrusive thoughts about relationship, rOCD?

[indiaink]

Heyo, I'm a newbie and it's my first post.

I've been in a relationship (LDR) with probably the most amazing guy imaginable for over a year and a half now, he's kind, loving, caring and so understanding. I think he looks quite great as well, and he's smart and funny. However, over the past month or so I have been having possibly the worst imaginable thoughts about leaving him, whether I truly love him, whether he is the one ect. He is my first serious relationship as well, and we plan on meeting in mid 2017.

I've been seeing a counsellor at school (I'm in year 12) for about a year now due to suspected anxiety and depression, however I've been unable to receive diagnosis and treatment from a mental health practitioner due to me being uncomfortable talking about it with my parents. (I told my mum emotionally yesterday, and I'm probably going to see a psychologist after exams). The first time I can recall this happening would be during the holidays before my final term at school. So late September/ early October. I can't say there has been an extreme disagreement or argument that may have caused me to think this way.

The thoughts are so painful, they make me doubt everything I have ever felt about him, and I feel like so guilty for doubting what we have. I absolutely love this guy and thinking about these horrid things is pushing me over the edge. I try rationalise my thoughts, but I usually meet a dead end, and they are corroding my happiness with him. Constantly picking at my head, making me question every single thing I feel when I am with him. If I am happy, I feel as though I am miss leading him, because I know of the havoc that goes on in my mind. I just want them to stop. They make me question whether I want to meet him, and if i might end up leaving him after we meet.
I spoke to him about it, and he remained strong, but I know it hurts him to see me in such pain almost every day. Every waking second I can do nothing but think of 'what if I leave' or 'maybe I should end it'
I love him dearly, and I want to stay with him forever. I tear up every time I think about the thoughts. Constantly making me question everything that was concrete in our relationship. Heck, it was the only thing I didn't worry about, and now my cruel mind cannot even give me the luxury of that.
There are some moments of calm, moments where I can laugh with him, and see that it is going to be okay. But when the thoughts take over, it's like there is no end. Please help.

[geoff]

hello Indiaink, welcome to the site and I would think that for you to do this must have been a massive effort, having these intrusive thoughts must have cast doubt on whether you doing the right thing, and there must have been many times when you thought you could it but then decided not to, but now you have and that's great.
Firstly I've had OCD for 56 years and know exactly how you are thinking, and even now they still happen, but I've learnt that these thoughts never come true, all they can do is wreck havoc with you.
It sounds as though neither parent has OCD that's why you feel uncomfortable talking about it with them, and because they haven't they would find it to be very difficult to understand, so can I suggest you click onto 'Ger Support' and scroll down to 'Informative Resourses' and order the printed material from BB, it's all free, but has a great section on OCD which will help your parents understand what it does and how it happens, they need to be informed that it is an illess that not only you and I have but there is a great % of the population struggling with it.
Please how you are thinking doesn't mean you are crazy, it's what happens to those suffering from it, but being in a long distance relationship is not going to help you with this issue, it's not because you don't love him, but to stay in a LDR means that you are going to be away from each other for a period of time, whereas if you saw him everyday then your thinking wouldn't be the same.
You maybe thinking of what he is doing while he is away and this is an obvious doubt going through your mind always asking yourself this question, so that is going to make you feel the way you do, but if you love him and he loves you would there be any doubt about what he is doing, it's just the pain that he isn't there with you that you are struggling with.
Is there a chance this LDR will end into being with each other everyday. Geoff. x

[indiaink]

Hey Geoff, thank you so much for responding.

I've just felt so hopeless lately, and I've been so stressed out. I'm crying nearly everyday, and seemingly for no reason, I really hope the thoughts don't break me.

I even question whether I'm going to be happy when I see him. His birthday is coming up, and because I've been having these doubts, I feel like I shouldn't send him a present because what if I end it with him. I don't want to do it, but what if I do. It's quite horrible.

Thank you for suggesting the printed material, I'll look into it straight away. I just want to stop feeling on edge all the time, and go back to being 'me'.

It's probably going to be long distance for a few more years as he is in the middle of a degree, and I begin university next year. What shocks me so much is that, about a month or so ago, this never would have crossed my mind, but now, almost every waking minute- it's there. I really hope I'll be able to get through this. I love him to bits, and I couldn't stand hurting him or myself because of it.I miss him so much everyday, what I'd give to hold him close even for a few minutes. It's becoming quite difficult for him too, because he knows I feel this way, he's expressed feelings of insufficiency to me, as well as feeling like he might not ever be able to make me happy again. All I can do is reassure him, but will it stop being enough some day? Sometimes my mind says, 'make sure he leaves you if anything'. It's a nightmare. Like a wild animal tormenting me on the insides.
I hope I get through this. I want us to last and have a future. But because almost everyone says, 'first loves don't last' it makes me doubt that too. If only our minds weren't being destructive to themselves all the time.

Have you any tips for dealing with the thoughts on the spot? or anything that might help my mind ease off a bit?

Indiaink