complicated story, inexperienced mind

[steel-feather]

Hi everyone. I finally decided to voice my story! I am 22, been in depression for half a year.

It started when I was had health issues and struggled at uni. There were 2 friends, friend A and B who i used to hang out a lot with, noticed that I was sad all the time and encouraged me to talk. So I did.
Overtime, friend A started to distant herself from me. I didn't know why. I was sad and things started to hurt when she and friend B are very close together.
And depression started and grew for this reason.
My mind became confused and clouded since. I saw them both as close friends. I wanted to tell her about how I felt, but she withdrew herself more. I realised after through friend B that she felt guilty that she couldn't help me and didn't know what to do, hence the avoidance.

So okay, I understood. Slowly, she realised that she needed to learn to be more supportive and said to me a couple of times that it is ok for me to talk to her and wanted me to be honest too. So for the couple of months after that, I just felt like I am floating in the middle of air. I was honest with her when she asked how i am. Sometimes, i go into a mood dip i also couldn't hold in much. But i guess at times, it she became more unsure and guilty so she avoided me more. It was complicated, confusing and weird in that, it took a while for me to figure that the main trigger for depressive episodes was the fact that I felt ignored/excluded when friend A+B still are very close together. And because friend A was also trying distant herself from me, I became very anxious to approach them. And even when i had the chance to, I just felt uncomfortable and the two of them would just chat away.
Eventually A and B knew they were my triggers and they excluded me being in their group in an assignment. I get that it was good intention, but i was really hurt after that, because it was done so explicitly. And esp. leading up to this i was still hurt when they excluded me. Friend B couldn't do much because it was a problem between me and A. Friend A recently decided that me and her should pause the friendship because things are hurtful for us both. So we haven't been talking for a while.

I still see dreams where i get hurt despite nothing much is happening in real life. I am extremely guilty and feel bad that i caused her troubles.
Quite often, i feel life is stressful+ tiring. But people say, life only gets harder.

I see a psych now which I find comforting when I talk things out with her.

[white knight]

Hi sf, welcome

Actually life gets better if you decide it will be better. There's a bit of negative thinking issues there you need to confront.

Friends will always gind it difficult to relate. Google this

Topic: they just wont understand, why?- beyondblue

Read other topics on this site too.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello SF, firstly I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, and secondly any friends you have will also distance themselves from you, because they simply don't know what to say when you start talking about what maybe troubling you, and even though they feel sorry and probably guilty, it's a topic they would prefer to stay away from.
Can I ask you a question and only answer if you want to, I wonder whether these dreams are when you are asleep or when you are awake, because if they are the latter then they could be 'intrusive thoughts'.
Please remember that even though you're lost two good friends where the r/ship has ended so it maybe difficult to become friends once again, but you will find other people who you can relate to, a different group of people that once before you had thought that they could never be friends, but overcoming any type of depression changes your personality to become a stronger person, as it has done for them or they maybe in the process of doing, but at the moment take advantage of when you are talking to your psych, and never be afraid to discuss anything that you feel you want to keep to yourself. Geoff.

[steel-feather]

Tony WK: Yes, that's very true. Even with a friend who went through depression and had similar issues, they cannot fully understand because in the end, one's emotion is pretty subjective.

Geoff: They are dreams when i am asleep. But my sleep may be light and I wake up every now and then and become aware that i was dreaming about these things. So i am unsure of whether there are components of "conscious/subconscious control" in that.
It is just difficult to accept the lost of good friends. And to be honest, I don't know if i have lost them, because i understand the intention is that we give each other space, but we still want to be friends. Uni forces us to face each other at least for another 1.5 years and it is indeed hard if we completely ignore each other. But where the friendship will go, I am not sure. I just see that because the 3 of us will still face each other, I can potentially be hurt in the future. So i am anxious about it.
and yea, i did find a couple of friends i got closer with as a result, which is a good thing. I still enjoy being with some others. But may be i am too overwhelmed by the problem i am just stuck sometimes when i am by myself. I get by the days though, i think, whether i make the effort to implement techniques from the psych or sometimes, i can't be bothered and i just let thoughts and emotions dictate.

[White_Rose]

Hello Steel Feather

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

Yes, depression is the pits and is one that is hard to get out of, but not impossible. It's good you have found new friends. Why not simply let things drift with both your old and new friends. What do you enjoy doing when not at uni? Invite friends to join you in these activities and base the invitation on the tastes of the others. Sharing activities, hobbies etc leads to good friendships.

Those horrible times when you are on your own can be demoralizing. You are left with your thoughts whirling round your head and no way, it seems, of resolving them. Geoff has spoken about intrusive thoughts and these are difficult to manage. I suggest you discuss this with your psych. May I ask psychologist or psychiatrist? I see my GP quite regularly plus a psychiatrist once a fortnight.

How does your depression affect your studies? For me concentration was difficult at times. I found it best to start doing something completely different. Even going for a walk I found to be energising. Make yourself a list of alternative actions which you can choose from. Having the list handy saves you thinking about what to do. May I ask what techniques your psych has suggested? I know sometimes I find it hard to use these suggestions and do something else or allow the emotions to take over. The trick is to do exercises and make them a habit. When you can turn to these new ways of thinking without consciously doing so, you are well on the way. And of course this is the idea to make this way of thinking your default path.

What are you studying at uni? Love to talk more.

Mary

[steel-feather]

Hi Mary, I am a physiotherapy student. Second year, starting another block of hospital placement next week.
I did very great things in the past, i was in an elderly inpatient rehab ward and helped stroke patients stand up and have better life again. It wasn't easy, there were lots of sweats but I am proud and it is rewarding!
It is one of those moment when you can relate to that lord of the rings quote "not all that wander are lost". I questioned a lot in the past whether i chose the right path or not, and feels like i am wandering a bit. I still question it sometime when i face failure, but at least there are moments you felt "ah, that felt great", so may be in a positive note, I found my place in life.
I had a roller coaster day, thank god i saw your post haha. Made me feel better.
I can totally relate to having concentration problems that really hinders study abilities. But i guess me being a nerd helps a bit, i make sure i meet due dates and start early on things if necessary. After all, studying a stressful course while going through depression is not easy, but it may build resilience in the end. But yes, i still have issues spiraling down on some days, and there are friends who are willing to help me get through these times, like tonight, so they are always appreciated.
I see a psychologist only. Been working on CBT, stopping unhelpful rumination, learning about unhealthy thinking styles etc. Some techniques here and there. When i am sad, i don't bother, thats the problem. When i am okay, I sometimes get fascinated by psychology and read about different techniques, learn about how to cope with distress and all that.

slowly getting there hopefully. There are ups and downs, but it's about surviving the downs and enjoying the ups. In the end, emotions change with time. Nothing bad will last forever.
(I dont know why but i sound pretty positive tonight haha)

[White_Rose]

Hello SF

Thanks for your reply. Physios are one of my favourite people. I have been going to 'my' physio on and off for a number of years. He makes me laugh while he sticks needles into me. I think it is a great profession and can be very rewarding. There is great satisfaction helping others to become well.

I'm pleased you have people to help you when you are down. Just like your hospital patients, you need help to stand up and walk again. Take all the help you can get.

I think there are always times when we question our choices, job, friends, home, partner, shopping. In many ways this is not a bad thing. Of course I don't mean constant questioning, but it can be useful to look back occasionally and see where you have come from and where you are now. I know students stop working on one qualification and start another but it needs to be thought through very carefully. From your comments it sounds as if you are basically happy in your studies and work.

I'm not sure what you mean by "facing failure". Do you mean your studies, prac placements, choice of friends, working with your psychologist? Failure is such a definite word and I wonder if what you really mean is slipping a little below your standards. We all do that and usually get a bit annoyed with ourselves. It's not the end of the world though and you can rectify any mistakes. The trick is, as I'm sure your psychologist has said, to get up again and not allow one mishap to colour your whole life. If we were all perfect there would be no need for Beyond Blue.

It's you know that nothing bad lasts forever. That is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for people with depression. The journey seems endless, progress is at a snail pace and everything is dark and discouraging. Keep in mind you will come into the sunshine. I encourage you to keep going with your CBT especially when you feel down. This is the time you most need to change your thinking and when the biggest part of your recovery will take place. It's easy when you feel good so push yourself when you don't feel as good.

Mary