Aloneness

[BellyBug]

Hi there to anyone out there,

The sitch is basically that while I'm putting in a decent effort to keep my depression and anxiety under control I just keep on being brought down by feeling incredibly lonely.

It's partly a result of continued mental illness making me feel a bit mentally and emotionally different to people I meet, other than that I've come to the conclusion that I must just be lacking something in my personality that makes people want to stick around.

I meet hundreds of people at university and through sport, and while I do have some off days, I have developed the ability of the last few years to be quite chatty and upbeat and can sometimes have what seem to be really good conversations with people. I can make people last and fill lots of awkward silences (though I do have days when I don't have the energy for that).

I invite myself to things, I throw myself in the deep end constantly, I try my hardest not to isolate myself and I honestly think I have been putting in a lot of effort towards making friends over the last two years since I started university.

However it seems that no matter what I do weekend after weekend I am left feeling painfully alone, as if there is no-one I can go to to share time with. I love my family but they are 3000km away. I have one friend from high school but she studies overseas now.

Meanwhile my housemates are never home because they are both in very passionate/adorable relationships (on a side note I have never been in a relationship, had sex or even been kissed despite being 21) and have huge social circles through which they move. They never invite me to things though I try my best to weasel my way into their plans, and I spend days on end being the only one at home while they are constantly out and about.

I know two girls from home that are also in the same city at university but was never particularly close to them. On the few occasions that I have met up with them they just talk constantly about their amazing social lives and how they are literally out with a different friend every night.

I don't understand what I am doing wrong, I chat, I laugh, I have interesting hobbies, I read, I think I'm fairly intelligent, I'm not hideous to look at, I smile, I suggest meeting up and getting to know people but I always find myself lonely and confused at why the people around me seem to breeze through this part of their life so effortlessly.

Getting scared that this is my future,

All the best, Belly

[Zeal]

Hey Belly,

Welcome to the forum!

You seem very intelligent and genuine. What are you studying, by the way? It's good that you are involved with uni sport, as well as being social on campus. I'm glad that you are able to socialise with different types of people and hold engaging conversations. Many people struggle with this, believe me!
It sounds as though you are confused about this loneliness and lack of connection you feel with others. Living so far from your family must be tough too, especially when you are feeling down and lonely.

I highly recommend having some sessions with a university counsellor. These sessions should be free because you are a student, and they will definitely be confidential. I appreciate that counsellors can't give solutions, but you can talk through what's bothering you and be supported to come up with your own insights. Having someone non-judgemental and understanding to talk to can of huge benefit (and a comfort)!

By the way, I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21, and that only lasted three months. I didn't feel comfortable in the relationship (though he treated me well). I was anxious about physical intimacy (even kissing) up until I was 22. I met my current boyfriend of 2 years when I was 22, and that changed things. Honestly, I had genuine doubts about me ever finding the right person, and having the feelings be mutual. My boyfriend and I are really close, and I can talk to him about anything. This could happen for you too. The fact that you are social and make an effort to engage with others is encouraging. Who knows when you might meet someone you click with! That aside, it is more than okay to not be in a relationship. I'm only three years older than you, but I'll say it anyway: you're young, so you still have plenty of time 😛

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[BellyBug]

Hi Zeal!

thanks for the welcome and for the response 🙂

I'm studying earth sciences, meteorology ect.

Well it has definately been a lot of hard work to get to this point, I'm naturally shy and a massive introvert! So I have had to put in a lot of effort to learn how to interact with people (I sometimes revert back to my very awkward ways).

I've been seeing a psycologist for the last year or so, mostly about underlying family history ect but also about social anxiety and being unable to connect with people. It definately helps, and I always feel better after having spoken to her, but a year down the track and I still haven't managed to make friends (well I did last semester but he turned out to be a really horrible person).

Logically I have no problem with not having a partner. It's totally okay, of course having a boyfriend dosen't determine your worth ect but being surrounded by couples and my best friend overseas messaging me about how amazing it is having someone you're that close to just accentuates the fact that I don't have that close relationship with anyone. I guess I'm also worried that I'm not using this time to learn how to be in a relationship.

Ultimately I just get overwhelmed by the feeling that I won't be able to find friends or a partner and as my family drifts away (my sister gets older ext) I will eventually be rrally truely alone in the world. I don't know why, human instinct I guess, but that just feels like a torturous way of living.

Seeing the two girls I know and other people I bump into surrounded by friends and constantly busy I just wonder what the difference is between them and me. What about them seems to attract flocks of people and has people inviting them to interesting, exciting things left right and centre?

A Mum always loves their child so she could be lying but my Mum seems to think it's just bad luck and lack of practice. It has gone on a while now and I just keep coming to the conclusion that there is something quinesentially wrong with me, and that I willnever really feel connected to anyone,

anyway, that's that

🙂

[quirkywords]

BellyBug

Welcome to the forum. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

I think there are many people your age and older who feel like you.

I am probably older than your mum , I think people do things in their own time. Through your writing I feel connected to you as you have been honest in your posts.

You are probably busy studying . Do you have interest likes sports, bushwalking, something musical or creative where you could meet people.

I think that some of the people you think have lots of friends and are confident are actually feeling like you are.

I did not have first proper relationship till I was 24.

I have a friend who did not have first girlfriend till his late 30s and then married her.

A lot of people have social anxiety. People think I am confident but sometimes I find it hard to relate to people at a large gathering. Small groups I can cope with but noisy large gatherings I find hard to cope with.

I am sure you are a good friend to your friends and that is important. You are also polite, intelligent and interesting.

Good to hear more about you.

Quirkywords.

[HamSolo01]

Hey !

Firstly, welcome to the forum. Lately I have been dealing with some horrible things in my head and these forums have been a great outlet. I hope you find that they are too!

So much of what you speak about I can relate to. I'm a 23 year old guy who, like you, hasn't had a relationship, still a virgin and hasn't been/had a kiss. To be honest there may be more of a stigma around that sort of thing for guys. I never tell people this unless I trust them 100% and know they won't use it against me. In the past a friend even tried setting me up with a girl by promising that he would repay her for it. After I found this out, I was glad that I was too nervous to do anything at that party. The notion that I should be pitied because of this sort of thing is insane. But hey that's modern males for you. Needless to say that group of people now occupy a page in the history books.

You sound like you have your head screwed on pretty well. The whole thing about relationships is something that's been getting me down. Went on my last date over a year ago and it was terrible. Working through a bunch of mental health issues is always hard. I genuinely don't believe that age ought to dictate how 'successful' someone is with the other sex. Of course, I say that I genuinely don't believe it matters, BUT there are moments where it certainly feels like it should.

You sound cool. I'm sure a guy would be interested in you one day. If not, then he is an idiot because I reckon you sound smart, thoughtful and compassionate 🙂

Bare in mind however that relationships themselves are not things to be attained, coveted or cultivated. They spring out naturally. Yes, it hurts when those closest to you are happy af and you are left there feeling out of the loop. It triggers worry and doubt. You begin to think you have no chance and the odds just work against you the older you get. That's depression. That's social anxiety. No amount of therapy on earth can bring about someone special. We must keep an open mind and pursue that which makes us happy. That which makes us happy makes us optimistic and this is what is attractive.

I hope what I've said has helped somehow.

Take it easy and never forget that these forums are always here to gripe, cry, discuss and flesh out things with people who go through similar.

Take care and stay classy 🙂

[Zeal]

Hey Belly,

I'm really sorry for the late response to your reply! I somehow lost track of this thread!

Studying earth science/meteorology sounds interesting. My sister's friend is studying geology and is loving it. She has been to remote areas for fieldwork. Do you have much fieldwork in your degree?

I can certainly relate to being shy and awkward. I started gaining more self-worth when I was in my early twenties (I'm 24 now). This was partly due to the passing of time, and also by gradually accepting myself as I am.
I'm still self-critical and have moments of self-doubt, but overall I am content with who I am now. It's a real process. It's great that you've been seeing a psychologist for a while now to work through concerns and emotional barriers. How often do you have sessions with her?

Making uni friends is difficult. I only have one friend I met at uni who I see off-campus. The other few friends are just people I talk to in class and sometimes during break. I'm glad you are no longer friends with this guy who was pretty nasty. If you don't mind me asking, do you talk to your psychologist about the fear of loneliness? There is nothing wrong with you (honestly). Your lack of confidence is a barrier, and that can be broken down over time. People may not be as busy and socially active as they seem. Sometimes what's viewed by others is fairly true of reality, but this isn't always the case. It's not easy to know the full story sometimes. This is not to say that people lie about themselves - it's just that people may cover up their pain or weaknesses out of fear or shame, or because they wish it wasn't their inner reality.

I hope uni is going well for you at the moment, and life for that matter!

Best wishes,

Zeal