Can't stand this.

[MarieCarlotta]

I had a rough time growing up as many, many people have. Both my sisters have obvious mental issues, and compared to them I was always disregarded. It didn't matter how I felt, or my opinions. And now I feel like noone in the world knows me, even though I have spoken to friends about my problems. I just don't matter.

I've sought help with therapists but the only two options they give me are Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which I hate and makes me want to scream, or medication, which I have made clear I don't want.

I am just tired of living a life where I feel I can't and don't want to trust anybody. I'm tired of feeling the need to justify my feelings. I'm tired of feeling the need to validate my pain. I'm tired of other people telling me that my feelings aren't real.

I just don't even know who I am.

The world is filled with so much pain and there is nobody who can ease that pain for me. And don't get me wrong, I have close friends and I love them dearly, but I always feel worse than before when I share with them.

Most days I think I would be better off alone, because then I could finally stop pretending. I could stop pretending I'm happy and positive. I could stop being something I'm not, and stop convincing myself that everyone hates me.

I know this is a very whiny post, but I don't care because this is anonymous and I needed to vent.

[james1]

Hey MarieCarlotta,

Welcome to the forums and I am really sorry to hear you're struggling so much and feeling exhausted by that.

I don't think your post is whiny at all - it's just that you're hurting really bad inside and you need to let that out because you don't seem to have been allowed to do this yet.

Often, therapists and doctors have many different techniques up their sleeves and it just takes a while to find a good match for a therapist and a therapy. Especially when we're young, there's so much going on in our lives and when people ask questions and we don't know the answer, it can be even harder.

I'm 25 and I had a similar feeling last year where basically I was just tired of being not-me. You'd think in 24 years, I'd had learnt to be me, but nope - I'd learnt to be a good mimic was all.

But a year on, having rejected two therapies and two medications and been in hospital, I've found some semblance of a path forward with my current psychologist. It involves a different therapy and no medication.

It sounds like you need a bit more support around you which you haven't gotten yet.

Do your close friends know the extent to which you are suffering and do you know what it is you want from them? Sometimes, it's just a matter of having friends who you can talk to and they won't need to give you advice, just listen. If we tell them this, it makes it a lot easier.

Also, do you still see any of the therapists now? Perhaps if you do, you can have a chat about why you don't like CBT and why they think it's useful, then see where you get at.

Let us know how you go. It'd be lovely to hear back from you.

James