Body Dysmorphia

[gemmadavidson92]

I developed anorexia when I was 14, up until I was 17. My parents never noticed, or always turned a blind eye to it. I used to over exercise, and would only drink coffee during the day. 

I’m now 24, and It wasn’t until I started seeing a therapist this year that I realised how bad it really was. I never got any treatment for ED when I was a teen, I was just told to eat more. It made me real sick, to the point that my body rejected any food I ate. 

I recovered on my own when I graduated school, and never told anyone. But I still go through periods where I will have real bad body image, and eat as little as possible for days/weeks. I weight myself everyday to ensure I haven’t gained weight. But sometimes I’ll be really good and eat “normal”. 

I feel like I’ve been stuck in a loop for a very long time, and although I haven’t relapsed with anorexia, I feel like there’s always a voice in my head saying that I’m too fat. That everything that happens relates to my weight. Sometimes it’s all I can think about, even at work. When I see a photo of myself, I will zoom in and make sure I don’t look big, or too fat compared to everyone else. It’s all very exhausting. I can’t help but hate myself for feeling like this all the time. 

I’ve been very open about this with a therapist, but because I don’t have an eating disorder anymore, they focus on other things such as anxiety and depression. 

[Croix]

Dear Gemmadavidson92~

Welcome here to the Forum. You have my admiration for coming as far as you have. Anorexia is most dangerous and difficult condition to leave behind you and like most things I guess one has to expect ups and downs.

As with may conditions one needs to have a practical plan for when thoughts become too urgent. What this might be depends on your circumstances. Maybe ringing a friend at the time might be a help.

I can only guess why your therapist wants to concentrate on anxiety and depression. While that might seem logical as I would imagine they are part of the problem it does show the the specialist knowledge you need may not being offered.

Saying "I do not have the eating disorder anymore" may be a bit of a simplification. Not eating for days/week, weighing yourself every day, examining your images to see if you are "to fat" seems to me (no, I'm not a doctor and am guessing) that more needs to be done before you are comfortable and not subject to these thoughts. Have you asked your therapist to do more in this area? If they do not comply maybe go back to your GP and explain the problem.

Unless you have already done so I'd suggest contacting the Butterfly Foundation who are very knowledgeable about body/eating disorders.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix