Body Dysmorphia - OCD about a flaw on my face

[Sara88]

Hi,

Ive always been a perfectionist especially when it comes to my skin, i always had acne growing up and then again as an adult which always bothered me and i have quite dark under eye circles, i would get huge anxiety and panick attacks and cancel plans if my makeup didnt go right or when i was younger i would not go to school if i couldn't cover it properly so no one would notice my flaws. 

Ive always worn makeup pretty much everyday of my life since a teen, and as ive gotten older (37 now) my acne has improved (after medication) but my dark under eyes have remained. I ended up getting filler about 8 years ago which filled in the hollows but not so much the darkness. it was good for a long time and i continued to wear makeup to cover the darkness and didnt worry too much. 

Well back in november of 2025 i decided to put more filler in there because the hollows had come back slowly over the years with ageing and i had wrinkles i wanted to fill out, this time i went to a different injector, it was a huge mistake, i ended up with a lump on my left side under my eye, which the injector then dissolved after a week as she believed it was overfilled on that side.

The dissolver was only supposed to get rid of the lump but it did too much and led to going back really hollow on that side, so i was completely assymetrical and i was left in a panick and felt awful.

I had to wait for 2 weeks and then i ended up getting it refilled but much more conservatively, it does not have a lump now but the skin under that side is now crepey and more wrinkly than the other side, it has lots of texture and is still more hollow compared to the right side aswell (given she didnt want to overfill again) i dont want to put more filler in if i coukd help it and when i went back for a check shes said if we did theres a risk i will end up with a lump again. 

So its been about 8-9 weeks now since the refill and it really bothers me, its all i can think about from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep. I am constanly trying to hide it with makeup techniques to disguise the area, I feel like its so noticeable to everyone and i constanly am checking in mirrors and taking photos in different lighting to see if you can see it or if its changed or gotten worse. its really getting me down to the point i have really bad depression and anxiety now because of it.

My relationships are suffering, my work life is suffering and i just feel awful and down all the time. I havent wanted to go out and i havent been able to enoy life or look forward to things like i once did. All i can think about is how i can fix the area but im too scared to try anything else incase it makes it any worse or even more noticeable. I have even looked into surgery to possibly fix it but this is very expensive.

The thing is my friends and family and my children all tell me they cant even see what im on about and its not even bad or noticeable at all. They tell me to forget about it and they dont want me to do any more filler or surgery or anything as they dont think i need it but in my head its all i can think about. So why is it so noticeable to me? Its ruining my life and i know it sounds so petty but in my head its a huge deal.

My rational part of my brain knows we all have flaws and no one is perfect but its really affected me.

I guess im just looking for support or if anyone has been similar and what i should do to help myself without rushing into more procedures which could potentially leave me worse off?  

[Croix]

Dear Sara88~

Welcome back to the forum, it is good to hear from you even though circumstances could be better.

Frankly I am not sure that the concern over your case and the pain in oyur chest are not related in some way. Yes I admit a face is the first thing a stranger sees, and I'm glad the  lump was sorted out. 

Stressing about what remains is understandable but goes a long way to make your life miserable and even preventing you from having an active social life. I used to stress all the itme about my written work -striving for perfection. The trouble was I'd spend so much time on getting one thing perfect I"d not have time to do the rest. I was not happy.

The chest pains I've had too, and been down the same path as you, ED plus tests plus a cardiologist and large doughnut shaped machines -all negative. They pains had to have been caused by something and in my case it was put down to my anxiety condition. I would not be surprised if you had something similar 

With the heart I was advised to check every few years, which I have been doing, always negative results. The writing is not much more even, I don't try for perfection and do everything I'm supposed to, everyone seem pleased wiht my efforts.

I'd suggest the best way for you to go is to not try to make your face perfect, it is the real you that people will come to see in a surprisingly short time, your interests, if you are kind, amusing, interested in them or share interests are examples. 

My best friend uses a wheelchair. When I first met him all I could see was his disability and the chair, however as I spent more time with him I ended up not seeing the chair or the disability, I simply enjoyed his company. It is what is inside that lasts.

I did not do this by myself. I had treatment for anxiety with medication and therapy, however it worked and I'm a different person now. If you are not already doing so I'd suggest you see a doctor and tell them what you are feeling and see what follows

If you would like to come back and say how you are getting on that would be great.

Croix

[Sara88]

Thankyou for your reply. I do agree that I definitely have underlying anxiety and this creates me to have much bigger issues when things like this happen. 

I feel like I can feel the filler under my skin, like it feels cold or tingly at times, but I also know that it’s probably in my head because I’m hyper focused on the area and that my anxiety plays a big part in this as it was the same as my heart. it’s as if I can’t trust my instincts anymore, which is very frustrating.

With my heart I ended up having another holter monitor for much longer this time which picked up that I get ectopic heart beats and atrial couplets and triplets. This is what was causing the feelings of an abnormal heart beat for me. My trigger is caffeine and alcohol, so I’m unable to drink those otherwise it tends to set it off, plus the anxiety makes it ten fold. It was great to get an answer from the doctors and have it picked up finally. Although the doctors said it was nothing to be worried about and that lots of others get these heart beats and don’t notice them, obviously I hyper focus on things due to anxiety and this makes them worse. 

I am going to the doctors tomorrow to hopefully sort out some medication and a counsellor to help. As much as I don’t like my appearance right now I can see that it’s not normal to be so down over something so trivial when there’s people going through so much worse, but this is how my brain works and I need to find a way to cope with it and my anxiety. 

So thankyou for your response, I will let you know how I get on. 

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I guss one has to have a balance between being aware of your body and any abnormalities and being hyper-sensitive to such matters. 

OK, you have heart conditon, which at the moment is spoken of as not serious the fact it was picked up is excellent. I would hope you have regular checkups in case it becomes something ot take action about.

Not using caffeine or alcohol is probably a healthy thing in any event and many do it in a desire to only ingest the most healthy of foods and drinks.  Is this liable to be an inconvenience or lack for you?

As for the feelings where you had the filler. It sounds quite a natural thing, though once again a medical opinion would be a comfort and let you know in time if there are any downsides to look out for.

The body itself can take a very long time to become used to any intrusion. I had a chest operation and it took years before I could touch the place wihtout feeling uncomfortable -even though it had healed properly

If one is prone to anxiety as I am, then ordinary matters can turn into far more than they  really are, leaving one in an uncomfortable state of mind far too often. I only became better after therapy and support and I'm very glad you are seeing a GP with the possibility of counceling - a pretty good move. 

I'm sure in time you will be able to trust your instincts again -and have a sense of proportion. In the meantime if son=mthing troulbes you ask someoen you respect about it, that;s what I do

I hope you feel like letting me know how you get on, I expect you will in time find a great improvemnt in your life.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

I guess you might have seen your doctor by now, would you like to say - good doctor or not so good doctor? Sometimes it is the luck of the draw.

Incidentally have I suggested you have a look at the Butterfly Foundation? They are not just there as experts in eating disorders, which most people think, but for any body image issue. They do offer a range of services and information. At leat a look around  might be worthwhile.

Croix

[Sara88]

Hi Croix,

yes I did see my doctor and she was great. I opened up about it all and she said it was likely a form of body dysmorphia and being hyper aware of that area on my face. She has given me anti depressant tablets and has me coming back for a mental health plan to see a psychologist as she said I need to speak with someone and desensitise myself from the area. 

I’m on day 3 of the tablets and obviously nothing has changed as yet. All my friends and family still don’t see it as I do, they see nothing bad with the area under my eye and they don’t even notice it and say what I’m seeing is a million times worse than anything they can physically see.

It’s very hard living with the regret of doing something, knowing that if I didn’t get that filler done a few months ago then this wouldn’t be my feelings or reality now with all this anxiety and depression. The self hatred that comes with regret is awful and feels like you’ll never come out of it. I want to look forward to things again like I once did. I’m hoping as these tablets start to work and as I start to go to a psychologist I can work through these feelings. I feel I’m just dragging everyone down at the moment being so depressed about something so trivial, I feel so bad for my kids and partner having to see me like this. It seems to come and go in waves, I have better times and then really bad times. 

I will check out that site thankyou so much for passing that on. 

[Croix]

Dear Sara~

Your doctor sounds very sensible, diagnosing the  body dysmorphic disorder and suggesting a psychologist to help you desensitize to that fear. It will most probably work.  I had fear of the post and now I'm fine. 

Please be aware that a Medicare Mental Health Plan allows you to visit some mental health relate professionals  &/or guided group for 6 or 10 visits per calendar year, however it is only a subsidy. If you use the most commonly used professional, a psychologist, then the may charge well in excess of the subsidy, I suggest you find out the charged before going to your first visit and maybe getting an unwelcome surprise. 

Yes at the moment it is only natural to feel regret, however please remember that now you are not in a treated state and your feelings will not have had time to change. If you reach the stage where that part of your face no longer is of great concern then your regret will become a lot less too. 

Loving your partner and kids, and being loved in return makes for a great deal of leeway when they feel your distress.

If you would like to letting us know how you get on would be great

Croix