Best friend of 11 years consumed by depression and anxiety

[JitteryBug]

Hi there... I have been best friends with this girl since year 1 and we're both in year 10 now. We are basically sisters. I would do anything for her and could never imagine my life without her. I've been gradually watching her, years after year, be slowly overtaken by her anxiety which was then followed by depression. She eats sporadically, some days will eat almost nothing, others she will eat a little closer to normal, gets in moods where she won't talk to anyone for the entire day, and more recently has skipped almost a week of school because of how depressed she was. I feel so helpless. I feel like all I can do is watch as she slowly loses herself. I've tried so many times to help. I try so hard to be there for her, but often I'm sobbing while texting her because we've gotten into an argument or she's lashing out (it's never really aimed at me personally and we always fix things, but when she gets into moods it's horrible) I've suggested she go to her old counsellor ("No, I hate her"), that she see the college counsellors ("I don't even know them!), tried to suggest just regular teachers, go on this website or the forums ("They don't work") my parents and her own. She won't talk to her own because her mum is currently very depressed (it's genetic. All women on both sides of the family have suffered) and so she doesn't want to worry her or give her dad any more to worry about. Her boyfriend and I often talk and we're both so worried. We were just talking about possibly going to the school counselors together for advice. I'm just so worried. I have anxiety myself (nowhere near the level she has, luckily) and so I worry about literally everything. This is literally haunting my every waking moment. Please help me to help her!! I don't want to lose her!

[geoff]

hello JitteryBug, you must be a very dear friend of her and one day she will thank you for looking out for her and may even do exactly the same for you.
Friends who have been together for so long can instantly pick up if their friend has changed or is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Any disagreements the two of you may have had maybe due to her depression because there are times when this illness will turn her personality into someone else.
It can very difficult if a child is reared by a parent suffering from some sort of depression only because it tends to cloud their thinking.
If she doesn't want to speak to her parents then there's a problem, because at some stge they will need to know, but this can be done by contacting her favorite aunt or anybody over 18 who can go with her to the doctors and then seek help from a psychologist, so if you know who they are then I would be contacting them.
If you go to the school's counsellor they will be limited as to what to do unless she herself goes and sees them, plus they won't be able to disclose much information, however if you go and tell them, then they may contact her and ask how she is going.
I hate depression just as everyone else does, especially when it happens to people who haven't even experienced life. Geoff.

[MsPurple]

Hi JitteryBug and welcome to the forums

Sorry to hear your friend is really struggling. I just want to remind you that you need to make sure you look after yourself as well. Remember you should put the oxygen mask on yourself first, because you can't help others if you haven't helped yourself

It can be hard to get someone to get help when they don't think they need it or if they don't want it. I know because I was that person. I've struggled with anxiety and depression on and off since I was a 15 (so 10 years now wow). I struggled with it at school and in uni. I finally reached breaking point and finally reached out for help. I didn't get help initially because I was worried about the stigma and if I would be a dissapointment to my parents. All these thoughts was the anxiety talking. I got to a point that I got so unwell that I had to get help. And when I did I wish I had done so earlier. I am guessing you are in a place where you can get help, but she is not. Maybe just tell her about your experiences and discuss how it has helped you. Then another day maybe suggest she can give it a try. Remind her it is confidential and you don't have to know anything about it.

I also want to suggest headspace. It is the youth mental health service. They have locations all around Australia. They also have an online webchat as well as counsellors available on email. Maybe you could suggest this to her. They offer help with mental illness as well as physical. They generally all have a GP. Maybe refer her to the website and see how that goes. I went to headspace and I have nothing but positive things to say about them. IT was a welcoming environment. And I felt open to talk because they specilised in youth mental health. FOr more info go to www.headspace.org.au

I know it is hard but keep at it. Try show your support without over pushing her getting help. Sometimes people just want someone to listen. Maybe even just being there for her (even if it is to watch a movie and not talk) is helpful

Hope this advice was helpful.

MP

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi JitteryBug, you sound like such a wonderful friend caring about your friend going through such a hard time. In high school I spoke to one of the teacher's about my friend and they spoke to her and supported her without letting her parents know, does she have a teacher at school she could confide in? I would keep encouraging her to talk to her parents, even if her mother is going through a hard time usually parents are willing to help/support their child and care that they're okay. Like MsPurple said, headspace may be a really good idea for her. I also love this app called Booster Buddy which I find to be super helpful (it's also the cutest thing ever). You could suggest she download that app. I think just letting her know she's loved and that you're there for her and are willing to support her through what she's going through is important too. Remember to look after yourself as well during this time, if you need someone to talk to about your anxiety you can always reach out to Headspace or the Kids Help Line (1800551800) or here at Beyond Blue. J.

[swtpotato]

Hi JitteryBug,

I think it's great you are reaching out for help in supporting your friend. It shows you truly care a lot, which is the main thing you can do for someone who is depressed.

I'd like to repeat what others have said -- make sure you take care of yourself first. Also ask how her boyfriend is doing.

Tips on what you can do:

- hang out with her without talking about how to 'fix' the problem (advice is good but not every time) e.g. movie, tea, reading together -- very easy no pressure, non-judgemental hangouts. maybe hang out with her and her boyfriend to help her feel accepted and loved despite being depressed.

- be open to talking about what she is feeling/thinking without trying to counter act the irrationality/anger the reactions are justified and real to her - just acknowledge how she is feeling. remind her it is the depression/anxiety speaking. joke about it too when she feels a bit better, great being able to talk about dark feelings in a light hearted way that will still be understood, should be able to talk about it like any other topic

- let her know you've been researching it and looking for help in order to help her more effectively

- what others have said - online chats with therapists are much less intimidating, if they help she will probably feel confident enough to go in person. offer to go with her to the first gp/psychologist appointment

you are doing a great job already. do what you can and try not to worry about what you cannot. her emotional wellbeing is her own responsibility! you can only support her in helping herself, do not expect to be able to fix it, she will probably feel guilty about not being able to get better if you focus on solutions so make sure she knows you still love her in this state. try to look after yourself and keep to your normal routine.

all just suggestions from my own experience in my own depression and my friends

g luck

- m