anxiety

[choo18]

hi, i think i have anxiety ... in social situations like going out for dinner where there is more than one other person i just dont say a word and stay quiet... its so embarrassing its making me depressed and i dont want to go out any more ... people will notice i am quiet i let them know im shy or just a listener they cant understand this and just rip me off... i just want to be like everyone else and talk like normal does any one have any suggestions on how to over come this problem ? ?  

[JessF]

Hi choo18 this has been my Achilles heel for years.  I thought I was getting past it but had a bit of a setback at the weekend. I was advised by a very wise man (whose name begins with N) that its a good idea to not over reach and do things a bit at a time. For example, you're going out to dinner and there's going to be four people, including you. Try and make sure one of them is a good friend who understands what it's like for you, and maybe go out with them beforehand to get 'warmed up', and ask them to include you into the conversation actively over the evening.

I absolutely hate 'oh you're very quiet', how are you supposed to respond? But if someone asks me a direct question I find it easier to get involved in talking. A good friend will include you when there are new people to meet. Just take it slowly.

[Neil_1]

Hi Choo

Welcome to Beyond Blue ... and you know I'm always telling new posters here that this is a wonderful site where you'll be given care, advice and support by really lovely people.  And there you go ... you've already had Jess respond to you with a great post and she partly stole some of my words.  🙂

It is a difficult situation, and you don't really want to do what I'm faced to doing now and that's to not go.  It's weird, I used to have a 'mate' (we are no longer mates) who when we went out to dinner, he speak and then look directly at me for quite a while waiting for me to respond back.  Talk about uncomfortable.

The dinners I only enjoy now are when I go with my own fam;  my partner and our two kids or any variation of that combination.

Another thing along the lines of what Jess suggested is with one of the people who are at the table, hopefully they know of some of your interests ... and they might be able to bring something like that up?  That can help pass some time ... also the menu is always a good thing to help pass some time and to then compare what each other has chosen afterwards?

One last thing as I've just re-read your post ... if people that you are dining with cannot accept that you're shy or feel awkward at times and they rip you off (I'm assuming that's making fun of you), then Choo, I would be giving them a very wide berth in the future ... ie:  I wouldn't be going out with them anymore.  You don't need friends like that, in my opinion.

Kind regards

Neil

[scorch]

Hi Choo.  I am exactly the same in social situations.  I am excessively introverted and suffer from anxiety.  I only start to feel able to talk, and interact if 1- I'm in a very small group of people most of whom I already know (eg; 2 friends and 1 new person max.) and 2- if we are in a place where I feel comfortable, such as a restaurant I've been to several times before.

I understand how much it can suck... sometimes I'm too anxious to even talk to the waiter when they come to take my order.

Like these other guys have said, I think it's important to start slow.  If you are invited to a party or going out to eat a meal, always go with someone who understands that you are uncomfortable and ask them to have your back.  If you start to get too overwhelmed you can give them the signal and they can pull the 'oh, I've got a headache - let's go' trick and help get you out of there.  I've found that just knowing you have an exit strategy can help make a gathering more bearable and even, dare I say it, fun.

I found it's also handy to spend time doing an activity instead of just sitting around a table eating.  For instance, I love company but I get very tongue tied and awkward, which makes me panic... so I will quietly and in private suggest to my friend maybe we can go ten pin bowling, or to see a film next time the group gets together.  These activities give you time to focus your thoughts on something other than just coming up with conversation, as well as generating new topics of conversation such as 'hey, you got a strike.  awesome.' or 'that movie was crap.'  You don't have to talk their ear off, but these kind of comments show that you are interested and keep you involved.

There's a youtube channel called WellCast which has some great vids of hints and tips for people who struggle with anxiety, crowds etc.  i recommend you check it out 🙂

Hope that some of these hints help you.

take care 🙂