i just need to express my feeling to someone

[char12]

hi

i needed to talk to someone and let everything out. i would like just to be told it ok. i don't think i'm suffering from horrible depression but i am starting to feel it and don't want to get any worse. long story short .... I didnt have the worst upbringing there is and i was well looked after but my mum had me at a young age. i didn't meet my dad until i was 5. i moved every few months to a new house. finally mum couldn't handle it so she gave me to my grandparents when i was 4 who then got in contact with my dad who i then started seeing for a few months before i started living with his parents and then finally moved in with my dad. i've never had a great relationship with him like most children. no calling him "daddy" or random cuddles and kisses. he has had a few girlfriends and has abused them in a way. when they fight they 'fight'. he has been with my step mum for about 12 years now. she has 3 other girls who are horrible. its the typical evil step mother and daughters! she was only ever nice to me when dad was around or if she had been drinking. they always used to fight and break up and fight and break up.... my dad used to hit her. we had the docs come around to our door a ridiculous amount of times from te neighbours calling. we moved to the gold coast when i was 10 with just one of my step sisters and the family was happy but then the others came and they didn't get along with my dad, so he got angry all the time and didnt even like him own daughter (me).  we used to go on family holidays all the time and they were great but the family was more unhappy then happy. i never came out of my room. high school came and it was then i realised my sexuality. i had plenty of boyfriends but then started dating a girl in grade 9. it was a huge secret for about 2 years when finally my dad came around to her house one night and confronted us. He was ok with my decisions but her parents not so much. so we said we had ended it just to keep them happy but we were still in love. i loved her so much i couldn't stand it! always wanted to be with her. i dropped anything and everything to do what she wanted. it was a secret to the world all through school. we never told anyone. we then started fighting over silly things like liking other people, not loving each other anymore, etc... she started hitting me when fight were bad. i never ever layed a finger on her! i used to cry and cry this went on right up until our first year out of school when i finally stood up and got myself together and said NO she's not right for me. i lost all of my friends because of the stories she told them about me. i then started fighting with my family and never came home for days. i didn't answer phone calls from my dad which made things worse. eventually i moved in with my grandparents and got a full time job in childcare which i still my current job. this is were i found the love of my life! she is the most amazing person i have ever met! she treats me like a princess. we have been together for 2 years now and our love is as strong a the day we fell in love. she however didn't have it easy. we started teaching zumba together and became best friends. we saw each other heaps in one week. the big thing is she was engaged, to a man. i fell in love with her very quick. we went out one night and when we got home we were outside and she asked me if i was a lesbian. we kissed. then our feeling got deeper and deeper. we tried to tell ourselves it was never gonna happen but she was unhappy in her relationship. they got married and it was the hardest thing ive ever gone through in my life. they were away on their honeymoon and i couldn't wait to see her. she got back and told me she didnt feel a spark when they were away. 1 month later they ended, on good terms though. they agreed that after 12 years together it just wasnt the same. he had another girl and she loved me. we now are in a house with 2 dogs and a cat. i have recently started hating my job and dont feel welcomed and i know that what you get working with a whole heap of girls.  they are just not nice. i struggle with money even though i work long hours. my anger is stating to come back and im hoping if i find a new job and get on top of money it gets better. but our relationship is starting to rock. we are still in love but she said i need to deal with my anger and tell my life story to someone. i dont ever want to lose her. i dont ever think that my anger has anything to do with being a lesbian as i never get anything bad said to me. maybe us being normal looking girl and having very supportive friends and family. i just want a happy future but need to let out my past to start my future and be happy. i could go on and on but i wont. thank you if you read this, i know its not a major issue but i find myself always upset and crying and don't have anyone to talk to if we are in a fight. i know that if we ever broke up i would lose everything and most likely feel suicidal. i just want to be a more positive person. i want to be the person i was 2 months ago. i havent smiled in days. haven't kissed in a couple of days. i just miss her so much. she gave up everything for me and i need to make things right. i guess the question i have is do you think its old memories making my anger or is there something wrong with me?

[JessF]

Hello char12 its good that you have supportive friends and family. Do they know what is going on for you at the moment? It sounds like things are piling up for you, with work being unsatisfying and when we get angry we often lash out at the people who least deserve it, our partners, loved ones, people closest to us. You've been through a lot in your past, it would be a good idea to think about some counselling. If your anger is at a point where your partner has noticed it and it is cuasing a problem in your relationship then getting help to talk about it is a very good idea. Your emotions sound very up and down.

I'm concerned that you say you would feel suicidal if your relationship were to end, of course you would be devastated and upset if this happened, but to feel that life was not worth living makes it sound like you value your entire existence based on your relationship with another person, which is not good in the long run because we have no control over other people. The happiest relationships are those where both people are walking together on a journey and have chosen to accompany each other, not being dragged along out of fear of loneliness or loss. I have yet to find this, and no relationship is perfect but best to get things sorted now before you start feeling any worse.

[Mbuna]

Hey Char

I agree 100% with Jess. I think you should go and see someone. It could be possible that you have depression or anxiety. It appears that you do have anger issues. If your partner is telling you that you need to deal with your anger, then I think it time to listen to her. Financial problems cause everyone stress. Work may be tough but at the end of the day its just a job. Try and find a better job but in the mean time try and separate your work life from your home life. The girls you work with may not be nice but they are not your friends so try not to let them get to you. All relationships get a bit flat over time. We get familiar with each other and we can take our partners for granted sometimes. I'm not in a gay relationship but im sure communication is as important as it is in all relationships. Your partner has let you know your anger worries her. You probably need to listen 

Anger can occur for all sorts of reasons. The first step is to see a GP. It could be possible that you have depression or anxiety It sounds like you are stressed and worried. The GP will be able to refer you to a psychologist or therapist. I am not sure where you live but I think you can get this covered by Medicare in most states. Jess is right when she says that you should try to get things sorted sooner than later. Talking to someone about your problems cant hurt.

Regards

Mbuna 

[char12]

thanks for reading up on my post. i dont get physically angry or anything just very very negative. i can be a really happy person but i let things build up and up inside then i explode. i do take it out on my partner. my worst thing is saying things without thinking. i can't keep saying sorry and not doing anything about it. i know i can be a happy person but i think i just need to let everything out once and a while. As for my job, i didn't go in today because i just feel like crying the whole time i'm there. i have a job interview next week for a much greater job and try to think positive about that. just went to the library and got some books to read to help me. thank you 

[Mbuna]

Char,

I wish you all the best with your job. If you don't get the new job try not to get too stressed about it. I never got violent either but I did get very angry and nasty at times. I do know what it is like to lash out verbally without thinking. I recently took up boxing classes. Its not fighting but where you have a partner and you hit focus pads and bags. I find it helps me a lot. Most of my class are girls. I find it a great outlet to release pent up energy and frustration. Afterwards I feel fantastic. Its actually a very physical workout. Its probably not for everyone but I thought I would mention it to you anyway. I'm not sure where you live but in Sydney the WMCA run courses and they cost $10 each. I can spend more money than that on lunch so I think its money well spent.

All the Best

Mbuna

[char12]

i think for now this is just what i needed! i feel like a big weight is lifted of my shoulders! I am planning to make changes in my life to make things better for the both of us! im actually feeling happy at the moment. Thanks for the boxing tips, we are actually starting that on monday! thanks heaps

[Mbuna]

Hey Char,

Great to hear you are feeling better. Sometime talking to people can be the best therapy.  Good luck with the changes and i wish your and your partner all the best. We are always here if you need us 🙂

Cheers

Mbuna