Should I Date while Depressed?

[Preenaaa]

Hey everyone!

 I’ve only started to get into the dating scene recently and through it I have met this guy who I get along with really well. He has so many qualities that I love in a guy and even though we have only met a few times I’m starting to like him quite a bit. The only issue is that I have been going through severe depression for about 4 years now. Although it is getting a bit better, I go through days where I just hate myself so much that suicide seems to be a better option. I haven’t acted on it yet but I do go through very bad lows and start to think that I am not good enough for this guy/I am not attractive enough/he can do so much better/ I will just ruin it all etc. I don’t know if I should continue seeing him but the thought of not seeing him makes me feel really upset. At the same time, I don’t know if I should tell him early on because I don’t want him to think im crazy or scare him off.  I just don’t want to be rejected and hurt.   Any advice would be very much appreciated     xx

[JessF]

Dating while depressed: wouldnt that make a great game show? Like Perfect Match (anyone remember that?)

I'm going to be serious now Preenaaa. I have been in the same position as you, and only about a year ago too, so not too long ago. I decided to try dating, and got myself attached to someone very closely. Too closely, I think. Even though I was desperate not to seem needy, and went out of my way to not show that I was feeling all those things you are saying above, I think it came out in other ways. I was devastated that it didn't work out and I put myself 'off the market'.

It wasn't until some months later that I came to realise that I had been dating for the wrong reasons. I was dating because I was depressed and desperate to have someone to fill a void in my life because I didn't think i could be on my own. I set about trying to rebuild my life around the things I enjoyed so that I could be centred and as happy as possible and strong, to enjoy life as it came. After getting somewhere close to that towards the end of last year, I have started dating again and I feel much better about it now.  I have been on lots of dates, nothing has progressed very far or worked out yet, but I have met some nice new men and had some pleasant evenings and days out. 

I'm not saying this is the same for you at all, just what happened for me. I am worried that suicide is still on your mind, and that in this state you may attach your own sense of value and worth to having this man in your life, which is what I did. It made me worse, and I think it contributed to the relationship not working out, although having said that I don't think he was right for me anyway.

Enjoy your time with this man. Try and take each day as it comes, but try not to let him become the centre of your whole world just yet.  Also know that (I'm sorry to say this) rejection and hurt is always a possibility, and perhaps think about what you would do or how you would feel if it didn't work out. Your answer to that may tell you a lot about how ready you are to have a serious relationship at this point.

[Mbuna]

Preeenaaa,

You have mentioned your depression but you did not mention if you were getting treatment. If you have not seen a professional, I strongly recommend that you do. Suicidal thoughts are not normal regardless of whether you act on them or not. If you are seeing a professional, then it would not hurt to ask him or her the dating question. They would know your mental state better than we would.

The dating question is a bit tricky. I think dating is a good idea but you need to be careful. People with depression and anxiety can sometimes rush into things head on. If things don't work out they have set themselves up for a big fall. My advice is to go for it but go into the relationship with your eyes open. Your have as much right to be happy as anyone else. If this man makes you happy then why would you want to resist that. Try and be realistic about things though. Not all relationships work out. I like to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. This could be the man of your dreams who will make you very happy. It may turn out he is not the man for you or you are not the girl for him. If you give the relationship a go and it works out then that's great. If it does not work out then at least you have tried and you have prepared yourself for any disappointment.  If you don't give the relationship a go then you will never know and you will always wonder. You cant live life rejecting happiness just in case you get hurt.

I'm not really sure when would be the right time to tell him about your issues. If it was me, I would wait for a while. Just see how the relationship goes. Depression can be debilitating if we let it control our lives. If you are happy then you are much more likely keep it away. You need to get out and live a little. 

Kind Regards

Mbuna 

[Preenaaa]

thank you so much JessF and Mbuna. its so comforting knowing there are people out there who understand.

Mbuna I have seen a psychologist but she wasn't very helpful. Im hoping to find another one but don't know who would be good at dealing with someone with low self-esteem and body image issues. 

Also JessF i totally understand what you mean by filling that void with a relationship. To be honest, i wasn't and im still not looking for anything mainly because i wanted to focus on myself. This guy (Will) came from no where and so far he  has really impressed me that I just can't say no when he asks me out. I really don't want to ruin it or be the reason it doesn't work out. One of the reasons im too scared to date him is because i feel he is too good for me or that he can do better and i start thinking of all the girls who are better than me. This really gets me down and i guess i just run away from situations like this because i don't feel im good enough.

I feel that some sort of course that focuses on building confidence/self esteem would be really beneficial but i don't know where to look.

[geoff]

dear Preenaa, both Jess and Mbuna have made some excellent points, and now you decided to try the dating scene, and you have found this chap who you really like and are drawn towards him, because he's what you like in a chap, that's good, that was your intention to begin with, and we all know when we fall in love with someone, it's the best feeling ever.

This also temporarily puts a hold onto your depression, because you're on top of the moon, but it hasn't stopped it, it's still there unfortunately, but at this stage you can handle it, so you feel great.

Like all relationships there are disagreements, he has secrets just as you do, we all have them even when a marriage lasts for 20 years, in which case maybe these secrets get bigger, that's our choice and whether or not we want to share them with our partner purely depends on how we feel they will take it, and if it's going to upset them or annoy them then they stay a secret.

Approach this new love as you would with open arms, and if for any reason you have a bad day, then at first just explain to him 'that you have these days occasionally', so no at the moment let your depression be annoyed because you're having a good time.  L Geoff. x

[vip]

Hi Mbuna please take yourself off to a gp and psych and get on some medication to help with those suicidal thoughts. Yes just tell him plese don't cover up the depression its not fair on both of you. Take care and get the help asap

[Neil_1]

Hi Preenaaa

Welcome to Beyond Blue and it's really good that you've reached out to this site and then posted.  And already you've met two of our wonderful forum members (all fellow sufferers of this awful illness) and Jess and Mbuna have posted you with great responses and lots of really helpful advice and suggestions.

As with Mbuna saying that you've had this severe depression for some 4 years now.  Are you battling it on your own (I so hope not) or have you already had a number of GP and psych appointments?  If so, are you continuing having those and do you feel they are helping?  Along with the GP/psych appointments, as I hope that you have had them, have they got you on medications as well?

I won't touch much on the relationship side of things as you've already received great advice about that.  But for me if you're still having suicidal thoughts, this is what's jumped out at me.  Preeenaaa, we've got to get these addressed.

You haven't mentioned much else in your above post, but I so hope that you do get back to us with just a little more information.  But without further information, I am going to go out on a limb here and say this:

"Preeenaaa, I have no idea at what stage you are in your life, but I'm assuming that you have family and that you have friends and perhaps even work colleagues.  Preeenaaa, hey and also you've now reached out to Beyond Blue as well and there have been multiple people on here who have read your post - and there's a few of us who have already started to build a connection with you. 

However, disregard "us" for a moment and go back to the first group of people ... type or write down all the people who you love or have good acquaintances with - list them down - I'm not meaning to scare you here - or perhaps I am. 

What I'm trying to get you to think about here, is that if these awful thoughts that enter your mind about wanting to end your life continue, just look at your list and see how many people will be horrendously affected if something shockingly tragic were to happen to you.  Lives would be ruined forever - Preeenaaa, please please, this is not an option.

I hope you've got professional assistance out there for you, but please know that you've now reached into the Beyond Blue community and once someone does that, they are instantly accepted into what I believe is just the most wonderful, caring and supportive environment going around.  It is brilliant.  You are now a member of this community.  And we will do all we can to try and assist you through this.

Stay with us Preeenaaa".

I do hope that you can get back to us ... and I'm sorry if I went a little strong there, but wow, when someone is talking about the 's' word, I get kinda emotional and worked up about it.

Kind regards

Neil