Am I depressed or do I have a personality disorder?

[Harley1]

For quite some time now I have been feeling sad and I tend to cry a lot and I don't really sleep that much. I also get angry and annoyed completely randomly like someone will ask me a question and I will get so annoyed and angry or just the way someone speaks and the way they act and move bothers me so much that it completely ruins my mood. I am a very hateful person, I am sad to admit this but I am. I'm constantly saying "I hate this I hate that". Recently, my parents were talking about how I'm not good at school and were saying how I need to decide what I want to do with my life and I honestly don't know what I want to do, I want to become a journalist one minute then an astrobiologist the next. I also feel like I'm constantly changing and can't decide who I am. It's very difficult to try and explain it but I honestly don't know who I am, I don't know and that worries me so much it makes me so worried. I don't know what I want to do, who I am and I get upset and angry at the most random things that most people wouldn't find annoying. I'm lazy too, I don't want to do anything. I had been dancing since I was 4 years old so around 12 years and I quit this year. I don't want to do anything. I'm self conscious with my body and my face and it makes me cry sometimes, but then next minute I'm happy with myself. I don't really have a good relationship with my dad and I sorta try to make it work but I get so upset about it. My mum works night and day shift just to pay for my school and I feel so guilty about it and I feel so upset about. I have had thought about suicide before but not frequently. I also think about life and how insignificant I am and if the world blew up tomorrow nothing matters, we don't matter so why try so hard and bother at all? But I'm also so afraid of death and I usually have images in my head of my loved ones dying and become depressed because of it and how hopeless Id be without them and I cry so hard, but then I want to be left alone a lot of the time and I find it a burden to hang out with friends most of the time but then I want to go out and have fun. I don't understand what's going on and I'm so upset about it. 

[shyviolet79]

Hi Harley 🙂 

 It certainly sounds like you are dealing with so much at the moment! It's not easy being a teenager; I never knew what I wanted to be at your age either, and I see my own kids battling with the same dilemma... There is so much pressure placed on teens these days, as well as the fact that you have a million hormones racing around your body to deal with too! It's completely understandable that you may be feeling okay one day, and then very upset the next... 

Having said that, I think it might be really helpful for you if you were able to speak to someone about these feelings you are having... Would you consider going to speak to a GP? Do you have a 'headspace' centre near where you live? Either of these options should definitely be able to give you some more information to help you understand more about these upsetting feelings and moods you've described here... You can also always give the support number a call here at beyondblue too, if that is easier? The number should be at the top of the site...

One more thing ~ take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back for reaching out on here! That takes guts, and shows how determined you are to get yourself on the right track 🙂 I don't think you are a hateful person at all... I can hear within your words just how much you care about your loved ones... Many people find themselves getting angry or easily irritated when they are under pressure; that is more of a symptom of stress than a personality trait... 

Go a little easier on yourself ~ you are doing the very best you can under difficult circumstances... 

Hope you are okay, 

Chantell

[blondguy]

Hi Harley

Welcome and thankyou for having the courage to post

Chantell is so right when she said that being teenager nowadays is hard work...You have all the pressures with school and peer group and 'where you fit in' My daughter also uses the 'hate' word all the time...but like yourself she is not a hateful person Harley

You took the time and strength to get on the BB Forums and well done to you! I like Chantell hope you may have a GP that you are comfortable with and just a chat with her/him..You will probably feel better

You dont really have to be so tough on yourself with not knowing what occupation you wish to do. Many people dont have any idea.

Be 'Gentle' to Yourself Harley

We are here for you

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hey harley,

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure a lot of us will relate to it.

A lot of inner turmoil goes with teenage territory. It is a time of uncertainty and pressure. You wonder about the nature of your feelings and general state of mind. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a checklist for depression and anxiety (on the left). Clicking on it could be a good start. Then I would definitely speak to a school counselor. If this sounds too difficult, you could make a copy of your post and hand it to him/her. Sometimes, we all need to reach out for help. Feeling pain and confusion is bad enough without adding to it the feeling of isolation and helplessness.

You have already made a brave decision by joining these forums. You will find here understanding, support and hopefully useful suggestions when needed.

Looking forward to reading more from you if you wish to let us know how you go.