Am I a weakling for not being able to overcome depression?

[SyzygyE]

I've been fighting depression for 4 years. 4 long, dark years, seemingly longer than the entirety of the 16 years I've been alive. How happy times fly and gloomy times lingers for virtually an eternity almost borders on a cruel form of humour—a relentless torture cast by fate itself, toying with me and chipping away slowly. And I am close, so very close to giving up this battle. It has driven me from the most cheerful child to an empty, fragmented shell of my former self. It chokes me, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, its grip slowly tightening over the months. Even a single gasp of relief from its grasp is the greatest blessing anyone can reward me right now.

It hurts.

Why can't I be like everyone else?

Raised by a busy, single parent I've never understood how a parent was to treat their child. What is love? What is family? These are questions I still do not know the answer to because of the neglect I received. I ended up attending high school in a different city than primary school, and left everything behind. My friends moved on with their lives and gradually forgot about me. I miss them; I miss how everything used to be. Memories are hard to forget. I became withdrawn, isolated myself and never overcame my past: because I had no one who would care.

I began to think it was my friends who had abandoned me. And that has caused me to suspect people having malicious intent and I found that I can never trust anyone. I made the decision to fight depression by myself. This illness has caused some eccentricities in my personality. Perhaps it was some sort of attachment to the belief that being able to defeat my inner demons through my own will was an achievement—a kind of glory? It's also because other people have gone through much worse than me and yet still recovered, sometimes without outside help. So why can't I?

I felt as if I would been seen as a weakling if I went to seek help.

And so I fought.

I fought as a lonely warrior in the lonely confines of his own mind.

And now, after 4 years of struggle, I've had enough. I'm just . . . tired; tired of everything. This must be what true exhaustion feels like. Perhaps submitting and giving a acceptance is comfort. Perhaps my depression is just the norm now. Perhaps just embracing it and letting it become a part of me is how I am to "recover." Why should I keep fighting? There's nothing left for me to fight for.

Am I a weakling for not being able to overcome depression?

[CMF]

Hi there,

my goodness I am so sorry for your struggles but I must say you are absolutely NOT a weakling but rather a very strong person who has been battling on their own for so long, it's no wonder you are exhausted. I think a visit to your gp is needed to get some help and support that you need and deserve. You don't have to do this on your own.

it must have been so difficult moving away from your friends and having to start over again, especially at an age where we are trying found our place in the world and where we fit in and who we are.

are you very far from your friends, are you able or would you like to reconnect with them? I know the feeling of feeling anondoned by friends. I was involved in a serious car accident when I was 17. I had finished high school, I should have been out with friends, social ini, looking forward to the next stage of life but instead I was home bound with injuries . All my friends also moved on and I was left behind. I wS lonely, depressed had no one.

it sounds like you don't have a strong relationship with your mum. Does she know what you are going through? Do guy have anyone you can talk to?

you don't have to go through this alone anymore. There are people here you can talk to through the threads or over the phone. Your gp can help or maybe even a school counsellor.

please don't feel alone anymore. You've dealt with all of this on your own, it's time for you to gave some help and there is help available.

cmf x

[SyzygyE]

Thank you for your reply.

Actually, I was raised by my father. My mother was overseas due to difficulties. I don't know the exact details, but she only joined the two of us as I was entering adolescence. I get along fairly well with my parents. They do respect my choices and I guess I can't ask for much more to be provided from them. I understand that they are busy and it is only through work are they able to support the household.

The problem lies in the fact that I don't feel a connection to them. Because they were busy for many years I never got any decent amount of time to spend with my parents. As a result of that, they have a foreign atmosphere about them. The times I asked my parents if they could take a few days off they always shrugged it off saying they needed the income, so I gave up asking. In primary I didn't understand the circumstances surrounding this so I just laughed and talked like normal. Over time, though, I became silent, anti-social and just not knowing how to communicate. This is why I never really successfully made new friends in high school.

As for my friends, no, I can no longer reach them. Even if I could, they have grown so distant and changed so much. All through these years I've just longed to forget them. If I could forget then maybe, just maybe, I can start over again. But I guess memory does not reserve what we truly wish for. One part of this ordeal that pained me the most was watching them all slowly move away from me and move forward. I could not follow, perhaps because I could not turn my gaze away from my past. Compared to now, the past is a paradise—a hollow paradise within my mind I can never return to.

My greatest fear is appearing weak before others. I had originally tried to reach out to BeyondBlue but never got the courage to do so because of this fear. In order to reach my GP I have to first talk to my parents for contact details. If I talk to my school counsellor, would other students see me as a helpless guy who can't look after himself? My inability to communicate and this paranoia has held me back from doing either of those things. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I have trouble trusting anyone but myself because I've been by myself for so long. Deep down, I know that's not the right mindset to view others . . . but that the core value I've grown up with. What can I possibly do?

Depression has forced me to change my ways—I'm not sure it's for the better.

[CMF]

Hi,

thanks for clarifying some points, sorry for my misunderstanding. Depression does make us change our ways. It makes us withdraw and lose faith. If you spoke to a school counsellor it would be a private and confidential meeting. Other students would not need to know you have made contact. Perhaps you could organise a meeting after school? You are in no way weak for needing or looking for support. I understand you need of wanting to breKfree from the past and the memories. Depression is, after all, living in the past. Do you have any hobbies or could you join any groups or play a sport where you could meet people with the same interests? You definitely do not need to feel that you will appear weak, I think you are quite the opposite. You've taken the first step by reaching out here. I believe there is a division cafe thread for under 25's which you could join here or you could read through other threads by others under depression or young people to see that you are not alone. You are very brave to reach out here, we can all only do so much on our own.

how do you feel about these suggestions? Anything that may be of interest to you ?

cmf

[SyzygyE]

Oh right, so there is a section for people aged 12–25. I'm not exactly sure you are referring to the section in Healthy Families > Young people but I did happen to see it just now. Though, the community rules say that I'm not really allowed a similar or duplicate post, so I guess I'll just read through that section. If I have a different issue I can probably raise it there.

Anyway, I'm going to have to think about seeing the counsellor. It'll be an even bigger step than mustering the courage to post on here. When talking to others I just don't really know how to . . . well, talk. I just make it really awkward so I end up not speaking much. A lack of self confidence is just another part of this, I guess. I know I'll eventually need to overcome that. Somehow, someway.

I don't really have many hobbies. I occasionally write poetry to vent out my feelings and I do have an account on another site. However, I haven't found time to write recently as school has been stressful and my schedule is packed with homework and study. I do have a few ways I've used in an attempt to beat back depression. But as you said, there is only so much an individual can do.

To the very least, depression has not caused me to lose my drive. I'm glad for that. I study very hard in order to take my mind off things. While everyone studies towards their future careers, I study to forget the thoughts which haunts me. It's . . . effective? Sure it exhausts me physically and mentally, but I just need moments where I can stop overthinking. I doubt pushing myself so hard is doing my physical health any good though.

Do you know of any tips that I may be able to utilise to help myself?

Thank you for your kind words and advice so far.

[margaret1]

Hi there, I am a teacher and I suffer just like you do... schools can be very toxic but you can see it through ... There are things you are entitled to like counsellor support and there is a thing called special provisions which is there to help in high stress situations eg exams and assignments. Try and find someone decent on the staff, someone you can trust...

To access special provisions you need a doctors certificate. I worked with a group of girls...self harm, drugs, etc they all made it....drug free (Ice) did Hsc made it to uni, tertiary education etc.

You re not alone, we just dont recognise each other because we are so good at putting up a front. 1 in 5 on average is a fellow traveller...thats kids and staff too...

Working hard is a way of masking pain....common trait in my family...I understand it and you re right. You need to look after yourself now seek professional help and support. It wont just happen use some of the energy you use in your studies and hunt down a support team. Dont suffer alone.

[CMF]

Hi there,

I think you've done an amazing job at trying to tackle this on your own for so long. Poetry is great isn't it for getting feelings out. There is a poetry thread on here if you want to share, totally up to you of course.

Good on you for thinking about seeing the school counsellor. Don't stress about not be able to talk too much, their job is to deal with things like this so they've seen it before.

I have found exercise great for depression. You may not feel like it but going for a walk helps, breathing in the air. A good healthy diet is also important no processed foods, fresh fruit and veg and a handful of cashew nuts each day. They are meant to be a natural anti depressant which you can read up about on the internet. Putting your energy into your study is good but do give yourself a break now and then, take that walk, maybe go and see an uplifting movie or read a good book. Salt water, sand and the beach is very therapeutic too. Do you study at home or the library, a change of scenery can be good. Do you have any pets?

It can be hard during these years trying to make friends and finding where you fit in. I also found it hard to relate to my parents at that age and felt very alone and lonely. I'm guessing that you don't have any siblings, what about cousins or family friends? Does your school have a homework club at all of after school activities you may like? I think the important thing here is finding activities you enjoy and you may then meet people with the same interests which makes it so much easier when it comes to conversations. Besides poetry what do you like? Do you know what you would like to do when you finish school?

I hope you have a good day today. Please let us know how its going.

cmf

[Croix]

Dear SyzygyΣE~
Welcome back and thanks for bearing with me, I find it easier to address you here where I can see what you wrote before.

In one sense I think you are too late. As you will not doubt realize adulthood is not a finite stage, but an attitude of mind. Being responsible and approaching the real problems of life. So from your words I’d guess you’re pretty well there already.

You have not had an easy life and I think that has a bearing on your approach. I would expect that a fair number of other students you know would not have had the same matters to contend with and this may be reflected in their attitudes.

Frankly I suspect it is unusual for 16-17 year-olds to have a firm and realistic view of what they want to do that lasts until later life. In my own case it was driven by my parents’ ideas and turned out to be the wrong course for me to take. My own desires did not unfold and come into play until later.

You don’t mention if you are currently seeking help for your thoughts and feelings. From what I read talking to your councilor was an obstacle and I’m not sure if you went ahead with it.

Having the relationship you do with your parents may not be ideal, however they are at least there, and may be able to give your ideas, sometimes it takes someone outside ourselves to see things.

I don’t think you should worry. You are doing the right things already, getting good marks which you know already is a solid basis for anything, both the marks themselves and the experience in working to get them. What opportunities life offers you may not be known right now, but I’m sure they will come.

Your studies will perhaps steer you towards certain areas of tertiary education – if that is both possible and acceptable to you – and in turn that will steer you further (though a very large proportion of graduates end up in employment areas other than their disciplines).

I’m a little worried that you are worrying to the extent you are and comparing yourself perhaps unfavorably to your peers. I’d think it highly appropriate to see that councilor setting out your feelings and thoughts from the past and your current problems - if necessary ignoring the possibility of being thought weak by those that may judge superficially.

I’d be very happy if you came back with another of your highly literate and thoughtful accounts, saying how you are going

Croix

[SyzygyE]

Thanks Croix.

Since my first post in this thread it is true that I have not yet seen a counsellor, but I have talked about these issues with a friend. I'm glad I did. He has been offering support for the past few months and I am content with how things have been turning out. I can certainly say I've been feeling better. I was stuck in quite the low point until I had a talk with him. I believe I am making progress to unraveling my mixed emotions and coming to terms with how things have turned out. I feel I do have the drive to look forward and try to find a solution to all these problems.

It's also true that my relationship with my parents haven't been exactly positive, but I'm happy about the fact that they have not been too restrictive on my career path. In the end it boils down to the fact that I can't find much I hold an interest for. Perhaps just concentrating on performing well academically first before worrying about my choices is the best decision?

Well, there is a second matter I would like to ask about. No matter what I do, schoolwork always seems to take far longer than I can imagine. I do not procrastinate often because I understand the importance of working hard, if I do not count typing up this message as being procrastination, that is. I also have a study timetable set up. But no matter how hard I try I always end up with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, occasionally not even. My usual sleeping time is 2am, and I wake at 7:40am. Recently that has been 3am because of exam study. I have had a few close shaves with all nighters, sleeping at 5am.

Not good, I know.

It eludes me how some people can attend several tuitions and play sport and do schoolwork and not appear half-asleep the next day. Sure, I've asked a few, but their replies summed up is just that they manage their time well. I think this issue may boil down to my desire for perfection and meticulousness. I've tried to cut back on these habits but I've really not been that successful. It's almost a reflex to be perfect. I understand that sleep deprivation negatively affects both physical and emotional health and the consequences associated with it, but despite my best efforts I feel as if my sleep has been traded for grades.

Sleep is perhaps the first target I need to work towards. I'm sure sleeping more would contribute to greater happiness, but it won't help if I sleep more and thus not be able to do enough school work. Any suggestions about time management?

[Croix]

Dear SyzygyΣE~

Thanks, a nice prompt reply - reasoned and typed in your usual manner, even the paragraph formation enhances the meaning 🙂 I do think you already know the problems and at least part of the answers.

Yes, in the absence of a great ambition concentrating on study and leaving the major steering decisions for now is the sensible way to go - what I would do.

It may seem a bit hap-hazard but life often provides opportunities - also closes doors - without our planning. Not always I admit, but often. So not planning at the moment is quite reasonable. Sometimes recognizing what life is offering and taking advantage can be a little harder. I would not be here talking to you without chance playing a major part. Sometimes things, opportunities (and people) just go 'click'.

One of the traits of some mental conditions is perfectionism. I guess it comes from an overriding need for there to be no comebacks, from oneself or others. I'm that way. Now I'm not saying that all desire to do things perfectly comes from illness, any more than great art (LdV dragged the Mona Lisa around for ages tweaking it), but in some it is a factor.

So I would think for whatever reason getting things exactly right is the reason you take longer than others, and lose sleep-time as a result. In my case even typing this post takes a very long time -and that does not include the proof-reading, such as it is:)

So what do you do? More sleep is good, getting the time to do so probably means less time on tasks beforehand. I don't know if you can successfully reduce the need for perfection by yourself. In my case the more secure and less anxious I feel the less I need to over-achieve.

So no suggestions about time management. Maybe you too need less anxiety and more feelings of security. I don't know, I'm just another ordinary person with no skills or qualifications to judge. (¿Was that a hint?)

Seriously you do sound as if you are pushing to the limit. Exercise, healthy eating, enough sleep are all needed for long-term sustained effort, burning physical -and mental - reserves seems unwise.

I really do hope you survive my gentle nagging and come here again

Croix