I am turning 17 and in year 11, with just a year and a few months until I sit the HSC. It's almost amusing to think I used to be in a hurry to grow up into an adult as a child, and now wishing for the opposite. I guess it has never really occurred to me until recently just how short these 16 or so years have been. It won't be very long, then, until I'll have to enter the life of an adult.
But I don't feel as if I'm ready to accept that.
I don't have any goals or targets set in mind. I don't know what I want to do or who I want to become. I really don't hold any significant interest towards any uni courses. These few years I've pretty much sat idle and waited for time to pass. Then, I could make a decision once the time was right and such a moment for the decision to be made had reached me, not the other way around. This feels wrong.
I'm studying and putting in a lot of effort, but to be honest, I don't even know who or what I'm studying for. Every time I get a good grading on my report or perhaps one of the better marks in the grade, these supposed successes feel so hollow. My school is competitive, and receiving an excellent mark will allow you to be liked and included. Perhaps I study because I just want to belong, or I'm just looking for something—anything—to do while I wait for the future. It certainly takes my mind off worrying.
Underlying this sensation of worry is a layer of frustration. I've been thinking about what it is other students have and I don't, but I still don't know. They understand what kind of future path they wish to tread upon. They all seem so confident and free of doubt. A part of me admires it, but the other part can't bear to look because it always ends with me reminiscing over those worry-free childhood days I cannot return to. It feels bitter to compare then to now, but I cannot help remembering because I want to be reminded of that kind of halcyon. It's almost a sanctum to escape to . . .
I wouldn't say I am so much sad or depressed that this is my predicament, but more along the lines of "at a loss." I don't really think I need to see a counsellor, because despite all that's said and done I am motivated to try and change things. I simply don't know how and that's why I am looking for advice. I wanted to seek help here because I'm sure plenty of people have made this journey and transition. How have you coped with the responsibilities and stresses of an adult? Did you encounter any obstacles or experiences like mine?
