21, lonely, single, empty & fantasy

[helenhall]

Hi,

I dont even know how I got here. I have never even read any threads on here let alone written any. But here we are. I doubt this will even help, but at least I'm willing to try.

Oh man where to begin. In a nutshell I am in university, studying something I really love and am passionate about. I've traveled, I have supportive friends, loving and devoted parents. And yet.

I am almost 21 and have never been in love. Not even close. I am a virgin. I crave love, I yearn for it, I spend hours (and I mean hours and hours) imagining and daydreaming about what love could be like. I am addicted to movies, tv and books about love. And at the end of all of them I am left feeling more empty and alone that I ever would have.

People would describe me as bold, outgoing, honest, brave, strong. But i feel like my insides are made of glass. Like there is hardly anything there. Like my body is one giant hole.

I am a happy person. I am passionate about life. I care. But i am lonely. Every, single, day. It's like I have to fight my imagination, my desires about being wanted. Because I am deathly afraid that it will never happen for me. Watching those movies, reading the books, is the most short-lived escape and provides me with the only flicker of feeling that i wouldn't otherwise have.

Its like loneliness sits on my shoulders and in my stomach. Everything feels heavy sometimes. I binge watched a romance show last night and spent most of today lying down staring at nothing. I dont like how this makes me feel. But I have always been alone. This is not new.

Sincerely,

[Aaronsis]

Hello Helenhall

Welcome to the forum and I am so very happy that you have found your way here, to get some comfort and some support and just a little bit of a temperature check on how you are feeling, well done, we are here for you and it is a safe and non judgemental place you can share as much as you feel comfortable to.

Firstly I am so very happy to hear that mostly the things in your life give you so much joy, that you are enjoying your uni course and feel passion about that you do have a wonderful family and a great set of friends, BUT....

..I hear you, the void that you are missing is consuming you and the want, need and desire for love, by a special person, one person for you whom loves and adores you. You are most certainly not alone, you are human. As humans we do crave affection, touch, validation that we are attractive, worthy, have sexual appeal to others, I could go on, but my point is that you are not being unreasonable, you are not alone and yes, it is human nature to feel these things.

At 21 I could go on about how young you are and that you will find someone and you have the rest of your life, I feel like this is not helpful and like telling a depressed person to "cheer up"..so..I think we have to consider here that at this time, being in isolation and with social restrictions in place it is alot harder to be social and to meet people, so when these do lift I think finding some things to do that have a double positive could really help here. What sort of things do you like to do? Are you into music or sports, I think joining clubs is so awesome for meeting new people and if you can do it in a forum of not just to meet people but to enjoy the hobby too, that is awesome. At the moment I have been out walking and there are so many people out and about, it is just nice to say hello and connect with a smile, who knows who you might bump into.

I just want to say thought that while the movies and the books are lovely to read and to enjoy but if you are finding they are consuming you and actually making you sit in this space of loneliness then I would suggest limiting these for awhile, also try to remember that they are designed for doing just what they are to you, inciting emotion and the fantasy of love, they are not real.

I am hoping that you have found something in what i have suggested useful, I would really like to chat to you some more, I have some other ideas but am running out of room here, next chat!

Hugs to you

Sarah

[MissBenthos]

Hi Helenhall,

I agree with Sarah. I would like to add that not finding love yet and being a virgin do not make you less than anyone else.

I also enjoy romance stories, more often than not though they depict a fantasy about love because it's more exciting and dramatic than real life love. Are you able to spend some of your fantasy time instead connecting with people? Maybe forming a deeper bond with someone you know or meeting new people and getting to know them?

All the best xo

[helenhall]

Hi Sarah,
Thanks for being there for me, I really appreciate it. Reading back on my post was helpful, put things into perspective more I think. But I still feel the same. It may not be as on the surface as it was, but its still there.

Thanks, and I am so grateful for the life that I have. I am luckier than most.

You’re right, its like the void is a part of me and I don’t want it to be. It’s funny, I know I’m not alone, I know I have support, I know I’m loved, but there is still something missing. I am such a logical person, and am finding it really hard to be ruled by my emotions all the time.

I agree with you, its not surprising that these emotions are coming up very intensely at a time like this. And I also agree with you about focusing on other things. And I do, I have many interests, talents and things that I love. I study creative writing and completely love it. I also love other types of art, yoga, cooking, the outdoors, many things. I go on walks often, sometimes I even run (which is new for me).

What I didn’t mention before was that at the start of the year I was overseas on a university exchange. It was maybe the best, most freeing thing I have ever done, and it was cut way too short. I crave the life that I had over there again. I crave being in a different country, not living with my parents, being completely free and completely myself. I cant help but imagine all of the things I have missed out on. Does that make any sense?
I completely agree about limited that kind of content. I didn’t realize how much of an impact it had on me until the other day.

Would love to hear your other ideas, thanks again for taking the time.
Warmth,

[helenhall]

Hi MissBenthos,
Thanks for taking the time to reply, appreciate it.
Thanks for saying that, obviously I know that I am not less than anyone else, but I don’t often get told that. It helps.
You’re exactly right. I do live in this fantasy (or multiple fantasies), I think it’s because I have never experienced real life love, therefore I have nothing to draw off. Kind of a vicious circle haha.
I would like to spend more time connecting with others, I think it would help a lot. But I kind of don’t know how?
Thanks again for your help and suggestions.
Hugs,

[Aaronsis]

Hello helenhall

Great to chat to you some more, it does help to put things into words and be able to reflect and see what we were thinking, how we were feeling and if we have moved past these feelings, if we feel better or maybe worse.

I am so happy to hear that mostly you have a lovely and wonderful life, but I understand what you are saying, you feel like there is something missing, not that you need someone but that you would like someone, someone for you, who loves and cherishes you and you to feel the same about them, this is perfectly, dare I say "normal".

Also the fact that you are back home after being mid way through a wonderful experience that ended way too soon, that opened you up to new experiences and like you had your eyes wide opened to see the world, this is really hard to manage when you feel like you have been ripped off, that you are back with your parents. In saying that, it is a very unusual time, but it is just a period of time, this will not last forever and you can resume your travels and your life exploring and finding love, not only in another but in life, in travel and in you.

That is really great that you are involved in so many hobbies and activities and that you are out there running, my hat off to you for that, I am barely out there walking, I need to do more of that.

So how can you connect with people in a time when we are asked to physical distance ourselves from others? It is tricky, are some of your yoga or even art classes online? Can you still keep doing these via this platform? It is really hard when you sound like you are a very creative person, to be told to stay home and wash our hands.

I am happy to hear that you do feel somewhat better from talking here, I can hear how much you would like a partner and I hope that even just chatting here and getting some of your frustrations out does help.

My little bit of advice would to try and refrain from online platforms, they tend to end up being a means to an end, for a quick engagement rather than anything long term, some interactions even prove hurtful and down right nasty. This is just my opinion though. However I think that these sites are getting alot of traffic with the lack of social interaction.

Chat soon

Sarah

[MissBenthos]

Hi Helenhall,

Sorry to hear about your travel being cut short, hope you can resume when the social distancing comes to an end. Some of what you said makes me wonder if you've thought about moving out of your parents' home? That's an exciting experience in itself.

One thing I disagree with Sarah on is refraining from online platforms - perhaps I'm just a nerd but I have many close online friends. Of course not everyone you meet online is great so there needs to be boundaries for privacy, and always caution when first meeting them in person. I meet a lot of people through online gaming. I've also had success with finding a long term partner via a dating app. It really depends on who you come across and how you filter out those who might not fit.

Gaming works really well for me because we can discuss what we're doing in the game and over time you get to know those people you're spending time with, I don't have to worry about awkward silence because we're doing something together rather than trying to come up with conversation. Even in real life situations I prefer bringing a friend along to a physical activity, an event or watching a movie together rather than sitting face to face to talk. That's my personal preference anyway. In our time of social isolation it could be something as simple as watching the same movie at the same time with a video chat on or even just messaging commentary during.

My suggestion if using social media for closer bonding is direct messaging or private group chat rather than posting, commenting or anything else public. I find the later to be quite cultivated and superficial.

[helenhall]

Hi Sarah,

Great to chat to you too. I am loving the frequent checking in, so thank you.

Yes exactly. I appreciate and love all that I have, it just frustrating that sometimes I cannot help but dwell on what I don't have. Again, that't exactly right. I am very self-driven and independent (and always have been) and have rarely needed others help. But this is just one area where I can't do it all on my own, and I don't want to.

Exactly! I am of course empathetic to those who are in worse situations, man people are dying in the streets! In hospital corridors and walking hundreds of kilometres to get home. I am very very thankful that I am safe, healthy and in a country that is doing so well. But yeah! I do feel like I've been cheated. I worked SOOO damn hard to get into that program, spent countless hours researching and applying and going to workshops and booking things...all for it to be cut short by 3 months?! I was (and still am) devastated about it. That was the first time I had ever really felt free. And now (in some respects) I dont feel that anymore.

But you're right. Travel will resume and I WILL get back out there definately.

Haha, thanks for that. Running is a work in progress for me that's for sure. Let me know if you end up trying it out.

Yes they are. I have been researching multiple yoga programs online, I think I am going to join one of them soon. I have also reached out to my university magazine and they have asked me to do some editing for them. I am very excited about it actually. You're right again I am suuuper creative, but I am trying to make projects of my own while I have the time you know? We shall see what I come up with.

Thank you putting effort into chatting with me. Yes I do feel better chatting on here, but yes I would still really like to find love.

Thanks for your advice. What do you mean by online platforms? Like social media? I'm not a super techy person so I'm not sure what you mean.

Hope to speak soon,

[helenhall]

Hi MissBenthos,

Thank you very much for your empathy towards my situation. I will not be able to resume the same program but can hopefully apply for another once everything has been dealt with.

I would looove to move out of my parents house/s, I think I would thrive living on my own. But I do not think this would be a wise decision at this time. I am the only child living at both houses (my parents are divorced and both single), do not have a steady job and have very strong relationships with both parents so I think it would do more harm than good at this point.

I am very glad that you have formed good friendships and relationships using online platforms. That is awesome. Personally, I have tried dating apps and find that there is to much pressure on how good your profile photos are, or what your first line is, or when you reply or dont reply. I am old fashioned in the sense that all of the close relationships I currently have, started face to face. I feel most myself in person. However I understand that a lot of people do not feel the same.

I agree with your suggestions though. Spending time with people doesn't always have to mean talking. Sharing interests, playing games, doing activities are all super fun and helpful. I think I should do more of that.

I also agree about social media, I am someone who rarely posts anyway, and do not have a big presence online.

Hope to chat to you soon,

[Aaronsis]

Hey helenhall

I am so glad you feel supported here and it is my absolute pleasure to keep checking in on you, that is what we are here for, support and creating this beautiful community.

It is human nature to "want what we don't have" and to dwell in this space, so you are not strange for still wanting what you want, you are allowed to feel it, to feel sad, to want love, to crave your person in life, it is just a matter of allowing yourself some time to do that and then knowing when that time is up and to try to get on with getting on with life. Easier said than done, sure but by the sounds of it you have so many good things you can turn to, to bring you joy and to pull you out of the temporary mud you are feeling when you are feeling low.

I am glad that you don't want to do this alone, you don't have to, we are here to share the loneliness, to chat and to find ways to manage the feelings of being alone. It is somewhat comforting to know you are not alone, although it does not make your situation any less frustrating either.

I can hear how devastated you are that your program ended 3 months early, that is really disappointing and especially seeing you were not just enjoying the program that you worked so hard to join, but you were finding you, feeling free and like you were developing your wings in life to fly into your future. Once again you are allowed to feel peeved off about this and really angry and annoyed, but...nice to remember that you have had a taste for travel now and you know what joy it brings and there will be next year, the year after and the rest of your life to travel and see the world and that is really exciting to look forward to.

That is so cool that you are going to be doing some editing for the Uni mag, how awesome. Last year the yearbook at my brother's uni was dedicated to him and the first page was his picture and our family was sooo overwhelmed, it was such a beautiful thing for them to do and to honor my brother. They are such special things and something one can keep forever, so being apart of that production is so cool, well done.

I know not everyone agrees with me, but this is just my take that online platforms like, tinder, bumble etc are not always great experiences and while some find love and happiness, some find it soul destroying too, so I just wanted to caution you with joining those sites and to have your wits about you. As I said, just my opinion but that is what I meant by online.

Chat some more

Hugs

Sarah