17 year old son has left home

[Mumma2267]

My 17 year old son asked to leave home after several months of feeling down and some medical illnesses that created low motivation and fatigue. He is a high achiever and he fell behind in school adding to his load and was often unable to attend school or attend Late not being able to get up. He would look low everyday telling me everyday he was screwed and there was no hope.He sees illness whether mental or physical as a weakness and says he can fix it himself. We tried to support him but everything we said appeared to be the wrong thing. After another heated argument he asked to go stay with his grandparents where he is currently, and making a go of it - attending school and is doing better which  is such a relief. 
This has been very heartbreaking for us but we understand that this is what he needs and home is not working for him. We were sending him occasional messages letting him know we love him and funny photos just to keep the lines of communication open- he would reply occasionally but with neutral replies or questions back. In a 10 day period I phoned him once to chat about an excursion but then when the conversation moved to about him he lashed out asking “ what I wanted from him?…. And he ended up asking me never to call again and that he would never come home. He has been putting on almost a facade at his grandparents and school so I don’t know if it all just came out or he is angry with me for asking. This was 4 days ago- I know I just have to give him time and not call- I am heartbroken at the loss of connection - I think I used to be his “safe landing zone” but obviously not any more and he has fully blocked me out. I want to respect his wishes despite being so desperate to contact him- should I still send messages that I’m thinking about him? So lost to know what is best- he is sending a clear message that he wants to be away from us - it has only been 10 days but so hard to cope - we would love to be able to have some sort of contact even if he chooses never to come back but even this seems impossible right now. Any advice would be appreciated

[Sophie_M]

Hi, Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. This is an incredibly difficult situation to go through and it's completely understandable you are feeling this way. Navigating family relationships is not always easy and we hope our supportive community will be able to share their own perspectives and experiences around this soon.

We do want to remind you that there is always someone to talk to, our Support Service would welcome your call, any time, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. Kind regards, Sophie M

[therising]

I truly wish I was sitting beside you comparing notes when it comes to raising a boy who's in the process of becoming a man. I'm a mum to a 19yo guy (and an almost 22yo gal). It's definitely hard when our boy has always seen us as their 'go to' person in times of challenge and then suddenly life begins to change for them in a lot of ways. As my son becomes harder on himself, in constructive ways, he informs me along the lines of 'I don't need someone to console me and tell me everything's going to be alright, I need someone to push me at this stage of my life'. I'm not all that crash hot when it comes to leading through 'tough love', as I've always practiced more gentle kinds of loving ways. It's been more about inspiration, rather than 'Get it together soldier, no excuses! Drop and give me 20 (pushups)'. A bit extreme but you get the gist. I think to master a perfect balance between discipline and feeling can be an incredible challenge for a parent/guide. As I've said to both my kids on occasion 'I apologise for what I've learned in hindsight, as a parent. What I've come to learn never helped you in the moment but I hope it will serve you in the future'.

Having faced the challenges of depression over a number of decades myself, I've found having open and honest conversations with my kids, as they become older, has made some positive difference to their mental health. Conversations about mental health can include stuff like 'Because of your ability to feel, you will feel depressing challenges in your life, as well as joyful, exciting and inspirational experiences. When you sense the depressing challenges, your challenge is to find the best guide under the circumstances. If it's not me, I will help you find the person you need. They will guide you through what is challenging you so deeply while shedding much needed light for you'. If your son's grandparents are the guides he needs at the moment and if they're able to bring certain revelations to light for him and new ways forward, he'll return to you with the lessons he's learned. Perhaps something to consider involves asking him what he needs. If you can't speak directly to him at the moment, ask his grandparents. If he needs a bit of financial support to help him develop himself through certain opportunities, this could be one way of supporting his self development. Maybe a gym membership, a really good set of high quality headphones if he loves feeling music or something else. Whatever could possibly bring him a sense of joy.

I truly hope with all my heart that circumstances begin to change in many positive ways for you all. I think there is only one thing harder than being a parent and that is being a deeply loving one who feels for their child so deeply. ❤️

[tranzcrybe]

Sometimes we can be asking the right questions of the wrong people - focusing on the pointing finger instead of what it is pointing to.

When nothing makes sense in the world we perceive, we must first alter our perspective to see ourselves in it.