I truly wish I was sitting beside you comparing notes when it comes to raising a boy who's in the process of becoming a man. I'm a mum to a 19yo guy (and an almost 22yo gal). It's definitely hard when our boy has always seen us as their 'go to' person in times of challenge and then suddenly life begins to change for them in a lot of ways. As my son becomes harder on himself, in constructive ways, he informs me along the lines of 'I don't need someone to console me and tell me everything's going to be alright, I need someone to push me at this stage of my life'. I'm not all that crash hot when it comes to leading through 'tough love', as I've always practiced more gentle kinds of loving ways. It's been more about inspiration, rather than 'Get it together soldier, no excuses! Drop and give me 20 (pushups)'. A bit extreme but you get the gist. I think to master a perfect balance between discipline and feeling can be an incredible challenge for a parent/guide. As I've said to both my kids on occasion 'I apologise for what I've learned in hindsight, as a parent. What I've come to learn never helped you in the moment but I hope it will serve you in the future'.
Having faced the challenges of depression over a number of decades myself, I've found having open and honest conversations with my kids, as they become older, has made some positive difference to their mental health. Conversations about mental health can include stuff like 'Because of your ability to feel, you will feel depressing challenges in your life, as well as joyful, exciting and inspirational experiences. When you sense the depressing challenges, your challenge is to find the best guide under the circumstances. If it's not me, I will help you find the person you need. They will guide you through what is challenging you so deeply while shedding much needed light for you'. If your son's grandparents are the guides he needs at the moment and if they're able to bring certain revelations to light for him and new ways forward, he'll return to you with the lessons he's learned. Perhaps something to consider involves asking him what he needs. If you can't speak directly to him at the moment, ask his grandparents. If he needs a bit of financial support to help him develop himself through certain opportunities, this could be one way of supporting his self development. Maybe a gym membership, a really good set of high quality headphones if he loves feeling music or something else. Whatever could possibly bring him a sense of joy.
I truly hope with all my heart that circumstances begin to change in many positive ways for you all. I think there is only one thing harder than being a parent and that is being a deeply loving one who feels for their child so deeply. ❤️
