Why is moving on so hard?

[MsUnderstand]

Hi all, I’m new to this forum. I’m 55 yrd old and been in a relationship for the past year. Before that I was single for 14 yrs and very happy.

I left a marriage to a violent alcoholic (Who also had affairs).... after 20 years and swore I would not be with an alcoholic ever again!

i was happy being on my own, if I wasn’t in a relationship, I couldn’t get my heart broken, right?!

i tried online dating, I had some nice dates but no spark from me. My last date was actually a friend of some people that I know. They all said he is a good guy, although I didn’t feel an attraction, he did seem like a nice guy. One girl told me he does like a drink and he needs to cut back. So I ignored that response flag! 🙈

over the year, he has not really gone out of his way for this relationship. I’m a people pleaser so put in way more than I should have. He could not be bothered coming to my house to see me, I would always run to his. A few times I turned up, he was passed out drunk on his verandah in his chair. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I didn’t listen to my gut!
My father died this year, 2 weeks later my dog died suddenly. There was no support, no flowers, he didn’t even attend my dads funeral. I felt so unsupported 😢

During covid, we really lived together as I was there daily. I would cook and clean, we got along great. I saw that he actually drank more than what he claimed. I ignored this again, I was just happy of he would spend some time with me. We would pretty much go to bed after dinner.... he would sit out in his shed on a milk crate and drink... a lot!

I moved in with him and nothing changed, he would say he had phone calls and continued to sit out in his shed drinking and watching YouTube. I felt so lonely, I hated it! I had major neck surgery, he said he would look after me, he didn’t step up, he actually sat out in his shed and drank even more! I felt so let down by him, I gave my all to this relationship.

I left a few weeks ago, he called me and promised to give up drinking, he loves me and was sorry for how he didn’t step up.I fell for his empty words again (many times this has happened) We were to go on a date on the Saturday night, he cancelled, he said he wanted to work on himself, it’s not goodbye, he needs to give up the drink to have a happy life with me. It broke my heart when I found out that he hasn’t stopped drinking!! I ended it, I said I’m done and don’t contact me again. I know he has a disease, but I just can’t do this anymore 😭😔

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

No doubt you realise that the relationship is over.

What is the consequences of it being over? You gained more experience, you know you deserve better and you were previously happy being single so now you've returned to that lifestyle.

Yes, it's the grief that you're struggling with.

Please place this in the search bar and read the first post-war

The best praise you'll ever get

Repost anytime
TonyWK

[Ggrand]

Hello MsUnderstand..

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I think you done the right thing in leaving him...

He sounds set in his ways and is very happy drinking..he sounds selfish with his time, because he has no time to visit you or help you when you had surgery, nor comforted you when you lost your father and your dog..My deepest condolences dear MsUnderstand...my heart goes out to you..But when you visited him, you cooked, cleaned for him while he sat around drinking....

People pleasers can at times not see the red flag at first....I’m pleased you found it eventually and took the best course of action for your well being...

I echo everything our lovely Tony has replied to you..

Knowing that you deserve better..and you doing something about it took courage...

Remember lovely MsUnerstand...that your mental health and Physical Health comes first...Take good care of you..and enjoy your freedom and life away from what sounded like a hard year for you.

Feel free to talk here anytime you feel up to it...

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy...

[MsUnderstand]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I was quite upset at the time of posting my story (spelling mistakes galore! 😫🙈)

wow, that was so reassuring for me to read your reply. I will continue to read it over and over again!

There were times that he said I was insecure, the fact that he would comment about other women had a big impact on that for sure!

i have been very upset since I ended it only because I Initially ‘thought’ I had met a nice guy (although my gut knew different!) He is a very selfish person and I know that I do deserve better.

thank you again x

[Guest_342]

Dear MsUnderstand,

Something I find useful is to consider what I would say to a friend if they were in my situation.

Looking at what you've written, I wonder whether it's clear what your answer is?

Best wishes.

[MsUnderstand]

Hi Tony,

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have made the right decision. I am really struggling with the grief, today was a really bad day.
I’m glad that I posted here as reading your replies does help.

I will now go and search your recommendation.

thank you so much for your reply ; )

[MsUnderstand]

Hi Gelati,

I have actually asked myself this question and I would be the first person to tell a friend, don’t walk.... RUN!

If only I took my own advice, then I would have left early on and before I invested way too much of my heart.

thank you for your reply 🙂

[geoff]

Hello MsUnderstand, lovely replies by all and very sorry for the situation you're in, but someone who drinks alcohol can't say 'they will cut down', especially if they are addicted, so your decision to leave is the right choice, simply because you can't hope what he says will come true, and even if he does stop, you can never know when problems for him begin whether or not it will start again.

'Run' but with support and don't be emotionally by yourself, we want to help you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[MsUnderstand]

Hi Geoff,

I knew in my heart of hearts that he didn’t want to get sober and as you said, if he did, he could relapse.

Looking back, the drink wasn’t the only problem, he was a very selfish person who gave so little of himself to the relationship. Comments about perving on other women were just breaking me down, he was right!... I was insecure and he fed that 🙈

I have to work on getting ME back, I’m actually shocked that after 14 years of healing, I would walk straight back into another damaging relationship.

I am so grateful to everyone here for taking the time to reply... it’s helps more than you will ever know.

thank you ☺️

[geoff]

Hello MsUnderstand, you weren't to know after 14 years that he was probably hiding all these traits and how often does this happen, it's no different to talking with someone on an online dating site, everything good is said just to entice the person into a relationship, but as soon as this happens, then everything comes out, that's not your fault and you can't blame yourself.

It's better you know now, rather than in two years time after getting married.

You can gain that strength back and in these type of situations, we learn so much because our defence forces are once again raised up to protect ourselves.

You deserve someone who loves you and offers you the respect and the love you've been waiting for.

Take care and please stay in contact with us, that would be great.

Geoff.