Dear Fallen
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to talk about your difficulties. I am sorry your life has been turned upside down and I hope we can help and support you to 'find' yourself again.
I think many people have trouble controlling their temper at times. Sadly, once in the grip of an outburst we say and do things we heartily regret later, by which time it is too late. You have identified that your temper has caused hurt to others and ultimately to yourself, which is always the first step. Congratulations on being honest and identifying this.
I understand your wife and children have moved out of the family home, or have you moved out? Not that is makes any difference. It is a fact that you are estranged. Are you keeping in contact with your family? Not sure how the situation is working at the moment. I want to encourage you to keep in contact with your family as much as possible. I don't know easy this will be, I believe that keeping the contact going will make it easier to return to a place where you can all be together again.
In the meantime, what are you doing to learn anger management? It is important that you show your wife you are taking steps to change your behaviour. It's not the same exactly, but similar to people who drink too much or gamble etc. It's almost like an addiction to being angry to solve your problems, just as drinking or taking drugs is a way to cope with problems. I suspect you have a long, hard road ahead of you, but you can get there.
I have battled my temper for many years. My eldest son has also needed to curb his temper, so I do know what it's like. Not nice. I think when I see how uncomfortable everyone is when I get grumpy it makes me very sad. Sometimes I become more angry because I know I am doing the wrong thing but don't want to admit it. We are such stubborn people.
Pushing people away is so easy but once done, getting back again is huge. I do know where you are. The difference is that I had to battle on my own, had no idea anyone could help me. Well I know better now, when I have little need of help. But you can get help quite easily and I do urge you to try. Make a long appointment with your GP and be completely open about the happenings in your life. GP have seen most things so I doubt he/she will be surprised or shocked. What they will see is someone determined to get back on track.
It helps to continue to write in here, as many people have said. So please let us walk with you.
Mary
