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[paranoid_android]

Hello. I'm a 33 year old male and have suffered from extreme depression and anxiety for over 16 years. I sought help on numerous occasions but nothing works. Nobody seems to listen to the real problem, it's all just ticking off boxes by the books. It's at the point where I've pretty much given up on seeking help because it just feels like a waste of time. Yet here I am posting here, fishing for some sense of connection or hope.

My problems are deeply rooted in existential thinking and cascade from there. Nobody seems interested in helping work through those problems, it's all about the little steps and positive thinking. This is totally useless to me as any day to day activity is meaningless so long as my overall views are left untreated. It is both frustrating and devastating to find myself completely isolated from help with these problems. Much of the onus is on myself to attempt to articulate exactly how I feel but when there is nobody willing or able to offer help based on those feelings it's like shouting at a brick wall. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind, other days I feel that I am the only lucid person in a world of the willfully self-deluded. What am I supposed to do?

Any employment I've had doesn't work out. I stopped looking for work after almost a year of hearing nothing back from applications. I went back to study at university. That has been a struggle as well. I've just received a notice stating that I am probably having my enrollment withdrawn. I tried to help a friend part-way through the year and it set me back in my work. This sent me spiraling into deep depression and anxiety. Something always happens. I missed classes and hoped to retake them but now apparently my GPA is low enough to have my enrollment withdrawn.

Anything I try to do fails. My depression and anxiety has and is completely destroying my life. I've pushed anything I care about or that cares about me away because I know I will lose it. I can barely manage to look after myself. I have no idea where to turn to or what to do.

[PamelaR]

Hi Paranoid_android

Welcome to our community forums P_A

Things sound really difficult for you at the moment. Existential thinking is good at times when one needs to look for changes in one's life, but to completely delve into the meaning or meaningless of the world and yourself is painful. I do understand what's happening to you. I read too much by writers like Nietzsche and post modernism articles and books while studying at uni. It meant I had to rebuild myself, to make choices about what to believe in and what not to believe in, what to value and what not to value. Literally everything had been torn down and I was left with thinking about anarchy. But I had to make a choice, anarchy was not something I wanted to live with.

During this time, I learnt to recognise, embrace and express my existential fears. Much to my hubby's dismay. At one point I thought there was no such thing as love - that it was a complete social construct. But this changed over time as I began to acknowledge my emotions and feelings. I did this through research, self questioning, considering my options, accepting that I couldn't and wouldn't know everything in this world. There was not a psychologist in sight during these times. It was hard work. Building and maintaining connections with others experiencing similar life questioning helped me through this period of life.

For some practical solutions for you - are you able to talk with the Dean of the uni school you're at to explain what had happened? Maybe talking to the student counsellor in the first instance?

Before you do that though, as you probably already know - your thoughts and how you talk may need to conform to the university's rules and policies. Can you think about it like - playing a role? You will need to decide if you can do that because in that existential place you're currently in, it will not be easy.

My thoughts are getting your thoughts in order (which of course is extremely difficult for an existential thinker), will help to reduce your anxiety and depression. I always found that I needed to have a belief/value to hold on to. I couldn't not believe in something. It all came down to the basics of my upbringing - the 10 commandments. I live my life by these, even though I'm not a christian. I chose these to get me through! It doesn't matter that one can argue these are not real, these are what I want to live my life by. Are you able to find something to believe in or have value in?

Keep reaching out.

PamelaR

[paranoid_android]

I've spoken to the counsellor at the university and she was incredibly unhelpful to me. After discussing the way I feel I was told that if nothing means anything to you why bother living at all. That I just need to grow up and make better choices. Gee, I guess that never occured to me over the last decade and a half.

I've got until the 23rd to submit a request for my withdrawl to be reviewed. The problem is that I've already jumped degrees once before because I was struggling (I was doing Environmental Planning and it was just making me even more depressed). On top of this one of the key focuses is on what steps I have or am taking to overcome the issue. If I said I could just come in swinging next year and everything would be fine I'd be lying to myself. Something always happens at least once a year that sends me down. I cannot honestly say that things would get any better. So I begin to doubt if I should even bother trying to appeal this decision despite my full desire to continue with this degree.

I cannot stand the thought of going back to job seeking. Another 10 months of pushing resumes into oblivion with no response in an attempt to get a job that will undoubtedly make me miserable and incapable of functioning again (to be fired and start the cycle over again). But you say this to anyone and the response is "None of us like our jobs you just do what you've gotta do". I guess that's great when you don't suffer from crippling depression and anxiety and are capable of developing coping mechanisms. Not so much when you do.

I have, however, begun to sit down and attempt to compile my feelings. They are incredibly difficult to articulate and it may take some time to structure my points in such a manner with which I am satisfied accurately depicts my state of mind. I fear that my inability to communicate my feelings has been a roadblock in any roads to recovery or support.

[PamelaR]

You are not alone P_A. T is interesting you view it as something that’s wrong with you. Have you looked at it as just the opposite? For example, something that sets you apart from those who don’t (or refuse to) think deeply about life.

I understand what you mean about - the difficulties in articulating how you feel has been a roadblock to recovery or support. For me, I never really knew or understood what feelings where for over 40 years! I had to literally learn - by watching, listening and reading. It still doesn't help. At times, I hate feeling and wish they would just disappear. During these periods I often drink alcohol - to no avail of course because the feelings are still there.

Just some things to help you think before your review date of 23.
You are a deep thinker who doesn’t just focus on the superficial aspects of life. I also found this next excerpt from a blogger (Kyle Kowalski) incredibly helpful:

• Existential crisis is the breakdown of the self/ego. It’s the beginning of the realization that you might not be who you thought you were all along. This will bring into question EVERYTHING of the old self. All your motivations, desires, goals, personality, values etc… will be on the chopping block. Once you realize this, most, if not everything you valued will fall to the wayside. An existential crisis means that you are starting to find yourself, your true self. And if you follow that path to its conclusion, you’ll find that life is much simpler than what it was before, that your self is an illusion and much of what we give value to in life, has little to no meaning; certainly not in the way we thought of as before. (https://ramblingsofmymind2.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/who-am-i/)

The blogger also talks about choices and authenticity as the way to work oneself through existential thinking. Specifically he includes an extract -

• Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no “ultimately right” choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations. sengifted.org/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual/

If it helps... it's okay to have bouts of anxiety and depression. It's how you learn to cope and manage them that will help you through next year's studies.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[quirkywords]

Paranoid_android,

I find what you are saying to make a lot of sense. You are not the only lucid person in the world, believe me.

I used to work with a woman who never worried about anything was never upset and she thought I was weird as I thought about many things.

I can understand how frustrating the uni counsellor was. I find it really disappointing that the counsellor did not even start to understand what you were saying.

I wonder do you find it easier to write things down than explain how you feel by communicating orally.

I know sometimes my thoughts get tangled and I go around in circles and confuse people. When I write things down I can often express myself more clearly.

Pamela has given you 2 helpful and supportive comments. I found the blogger Kyle Kowalski very interesting and I want to read more his work.

I sometimes think because we are deep thinkers there may be problems.

I had a very chequered uni degree, changing more times than any other student had before, I was told this on numerous occasions. This was decades ago and it took me nearly 5 decades to get the job I always wanted, to run my own bookshop.

Now I may not be changing the world and I still think too much but for the first time in my life .

Well done for sharing your story and I feel many people reading your thread will relate to what you wrote.

Quirky