Desperate for help with husbands porn addiction - and maybe worse

[Chrissi2]

Hi I'm new to this and have come here for advice -I discovered that my husband of 24 years is using porn daily - the porn he is watching is (what I consider) very demeaning. I found out because I found a hidden Android device in April and managed to find a way of seeing what he was looking at. The device seems to be used soley for the purpose of watching porn as there is not much else stored on it. He hides the device from me and he doesn't know that I am aware of it's existence. I have been noting the frequency of his habit and it is most days. There have been occaisonal visits to chat/hook up sites but no evidence that I can find of any action he has taken to make contact with anyone. However I found a note that he had written to himself in an old notebook - I think when we had problems about 6 years ago......It read that if our sex life didn't improve he would use the internet or 'Go elsewhere'

He cheated on me once before 20 years ago but we worked things out so to read this has really rocked my world on top of the porn stuff. I feel that I really don't know him anymore and that he has kept so much of himself away from me and I feel that for him to write this is a clear indication of his intention to do whatever he needs regardless of my feelings - Is this a fair assumption?

He is in a very high demanding job with a high profile and the stress that goes with it and is - what I consider - a high functioning alcoholic, drinking a bottle of wine and a few rums every single day - I think he has an addictive personality

I know I should have addressed this months ago but I was terrified of opening the can of worms and of his temper and I feel that he will blame me - the note I found has made it apparent that I have to ask him what is going on but I'm sure how to how do I go about addressing this with him to get the best outcome ?

I swing between feeling sick, angry and confused and am questioning my own handle on reality - I am also getting palpitations etc and I can't tell anyone about this - please help

[paranoid_android]

Hi Chrissi,

I'm going to respond to this from perhaps a different perspective than you were expecting. But hopefully it helps.

I'm a guy that watches pornography. You say your husband watches stuff that you think is demeaning? I bet I can top it. Honestly I think that for the most part people overreact way too much regarding porn.

That being said I believe this is a question that cuts deep into the core foundations of your relationship. You've clearly been together for a long time. Have you both discussed exactly what the boundaries for behavior within the relationship are? Both myself and perhaps even your husband can say "it's just porn don't worry about it" but at the end of the day it's about respecting the wishes of your partner and understanding their feelings. If your husband's porn habits are causing you distress then this is something that he must recognize.

A healthy relationship can, at times, be more like a skilled negotiation. He doesn't possess the right to make you feel neglected or concerned by watching porn all the time but likewise you don't necessarily possess the right to ban him from watching it either. There must be a healthy middle-ground. It sounds like in your case things are not healthy. His dissatisfaction with the relationship may be drawing him toward copious amounts of porn consumption. I speak to this from a place of experience. I was once in a long term relationship and porn became an issue. To me the relationship was so comfortable and familiar that I couldn't even acknowledge that it wasn't working. But subconsciously I was drawn to pornography to the point it overtook my actual relationship. I ended up unintentionally hurting the person I was with because I couldn't admit to myself the reality of the situation.

I think you guys need to sit down and have a long conversation about your relationship. Tell him that this behavior hurts you. Ask him about what he feels is lacking. Tell him to stop lying to himself because it just causes more pain. But don't let it be an argument. Don't blame him. Try to work with him so that he can figure this out as well. Perhaps the mere process of working through it will bring you closer. If not then maybe you've both simply drifted apart and the healthiest thing to do is move on. But if things continue to cycle along as they are the pain will only grow stronger.

[Chrissi2]

Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I came here for help and perspective and although you start by saying your response might not be what I'm looking for, it is, in fact, exactly what I am looking for, as I did say that I was looking for help and advice in how to get the best outcome.

Whilst the amount and type of porn he is watching was a shock to me, I understand that people have different needs and are aroused by different things - his porn habit is not the thing that disappoints me the most but the level of secrecy he has gone to to conceal his habit. Whilst I don't believe that he should disclose every single aspect of his life to me, I do believe buying an android in secrecy and concealing it from me shows that he is either ashamed of what he is doing or doesn't trust me enough to disclose it (or both). I am going to take your advice - I know that I need to talk to him about it. I am going to try to do it with kindness and understanding but I also want him to try to understand how this has made me feel (old, fat and ugly - I can't compete with a porn star body). The type of porn is also a problem for me - it's violent. Something that I cannot say I could bring into our own life so I have to question whether I would be happy acknowledging that this is going to remain part of his life in some way - I think i would be naive of me to think he would stop forever.
There were two occasions in the last 10 days when he refused sex that I initiated and then the following night was unable to have sex.....this makes me feel that he is now at the stage where the porn has become his preferred method of release - and this can only be very damaging to us as a sexual couple. So whilst I note your comment "it's just porn, everyone does it" I think it may be having an unhealthy affect on us as a couple, and the porn is taking over.

He is away at the moment, and I will take all of your advice on board and try to talk to him in a way that is not accusatory or confronting and see where we go from there. I agree that this might be a symptom of disconnection in other areas of the relationship and this will only become clear if we talk openly and honestly.

Thank you again and wish me luck!

[DipsyDora]

Chrissy2

I can only imagine the nerves you most likely are going to feel having the talk. I really want to encourage you to be strong and I'm rooting for ya. I would be feeling quite nervous.

I was silly last year and discovered my husband had been looking at sex date sites porn and it was a couple of months after our marriage. We had ben together for 12 years but he was finally happy to marry me.

I was devastated and started drinking before he came home from work. Well it didn't end well. I ended up driving upset and drunk and had an accident.

3 months in hospital 1 year later I am on beyond blue while hubby is away fishing wishing I had only been wiser.

I was hurt and can understand the hurt and worry you must be feeling now. I am proud of your maturity handling this situation.

Please keep us posted. All the best ay

Donna