Completely worthless and invisible

[Italkfast]

I’m 49 and first wanted to commit suicide when I was 14. I don’t know how I got this far and kept alive.

I recently divorced from a woman I was with for 27 years. I never loved her but I stayed with her because no one ever lover her or protected her from sexual and physical abusers. I saved her and took her away from all of that. Only to have 5 children with a woman I didn’t love, that deserved love. So maybe I should’ve left her alone to find her real knight in shining armour. I made her miserable. Purely because I was not in love with her. I would have died or killed for her, and I did protect her fiercely. But she didn’t need that. Now that I’m free and I found a woman I truly live and completely adore, I’m more miserable than I ever thought I could be. I know myself now after all these years. She thinks she lives me, but she doesn’t. She’s in love with my good looks, and she loves what I do to her in the bedroom. If. It for that, she wouldn’t even notice me.

I’m boring and have nothing interesting to say to her. Ever. Or anyone really. When I complain to her about feeling ignored, she makes an effort to make me feel like I’m special. But it lasts days maybe. Then like tonight, it goes back to normal. She will actually ask me a question like she actually cares, and then before i get a second to respond, she turns away and walks off to chat to someone she finds interesting. She always has. The reason I talk so fast is because I thing to myself that I only have a very small window to say what I want before people lose interest in me. It’s my fault entirely. I admit it. But it makes me sad. I have no one. Raped and abused for as long as I can remember. Repressed and ignored and unmothered. Why the hell was I even born. And then given my good looks and sexual ability? Screw everyone. I hate my life so much. I wish I could end it but I know my kids would be devastated. I could be an axe murderer and they’d still be upset if I died by my own hand. Because that’s the nature of a child. Screw this. Please just let me go. I’m so sad and miserable.

[DipsyDora]

Oh Italkfast,

My heart literally just broke then, I feel for you sooo much. I just want to reassure you people do want to listen. I listened. I even went back and re read your post because you have described your feeling so honestly.

I appreciate your honesty. Hold on mate

Keep sharing

[quirkywords]

Italkfast.

welcome to the forum. This is a great place to post as we listen, read, are caring and supportive.

I also talk fast , actually I feel most people talk to slow.

I was very moved by your post and am so sad you feel in so much emotional pain.

I found you had a lot of honest and interesting thingg say in your post and are in now way boring.

Have you talked to anyone about how you feel? I can understand after all you have endured that you feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. When you spend time with your children does that help in anyway to ease the pain?

Thanks for sharing your story.

This is your thread so feel to post hear as much as you like.

Quirky

[dreamer28]

I also listened and I don't believe that you are boring, you seem very self aware/intuitive and that is not boring, you just haven't come across the right people who actually understand what you're saying. Please take care.