Unclear of future with current partner

[Jurani]

Hi, my partner and I live separately. Something isn't quite right and I don't know how to figure out what that is. I've always been good with money. Not long after we met [we're both middle aged], we discussed finances. It turns out that he hasn't accrued any savings but can't explain what he's done with his money either. He just says he doesn't know. I've asked him if he's had a gambling habit [which could explain it] and he's said 'no'. I did some calculations [without him knowing], and included all expenses that he'd have and even upt the amounts, and even after doing this something isn't adding up? He should have significant savings. I even included $200 on top of the usual expenses for entertainment. He had been single for quite sometime before we met. He has no explanation as to what he's used his money for. You could say it's none of my business, but I can't help the way that I'm thinking. He's had no drug or alcohol addictions. If he can't explain this, how does he expect me to move forward if I'm not even sure we're on the same page re finances? When i bring this topic up, he gets angry and says he refuses to discuss it, then the subject is closed? I need an answer. to me this is important. He hasn't even given me one reason why he hasn't got any savings. Even if he said 'I wasted alot of money on......[whatever], at least I'd have SOME clarification, but instead I'm just left frustrated. If the table was turned, I'd have no problem explaining my spending habits if he was asking me. Why can't he just tell me what he's spent his money on? I doubt if I'd be judgemental. I feel he owes me an explanation. Am I wrong for expecting this? When I've asked him about this, I do it in a calm manner...I don't get angry. Do you think someone should explain their past if it's relevant to the future? Am I wrong to want an answer to this? What if he has had a past problem with money but isn't telling me? I've asked him now 3 times [long breaks inbetween], and still nothing? What do you think is going on here? Hope someone can help? TIA

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Jurani,

As much as I'd love to provide you with a world of insight, unfortunately I cannot. I can only tell you of my own experience, and perhaps therefore I may have an attitude that is a little 'jaded' or 'persuaded' by that experience.

See, my now ex husband was also unwilling to discuss money at length. He too would often answer "I don't know" or "Don't worry about it, I've got this." ...... but wouldn't actually give me details of what it was that he 'had', presumably in his mind, he had it 'under control'.

He would take out loans on top of the mortgage (and at first I agreed to these loans, but not realise myself the effect it would have on the mortgage), in order to 'work on his cars' ....... and things slowly began to spiral out of control.

I then became unemployed, at which point he began lying to me about money, saying he had none (when I asked for money for groceries or goods that we needed) but then would come home with some car part, for his club car, not the main car, that was worth hundreds. And I think too, in the whole decade plus that we were married and/or together before marriage, I think I only ever saw two pay slips. He kept those hidden.

I could tell you more about what happened, but basically we are divorced, as I said at the start; he is my ex husband, and money issues was certainly one of the main problems in our relationship. I had actually threatened to leave one time a couple of years before I left because of the financial abuse and the lies I had exposed.

Money management is a very important issue when considering moving forward in a relationship, and I would say that if you are having doubts now, then perhaps consider not moving forward any further, until or unless you can both REALLY be on the same page about money; open and transparent.

To give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he just doesn't know how to talk about money? Such as when you did the calculations without him knowing, maybe it would be better to do those calculations with him? Perhaps maths isn't his strong point, but he may be embarrassed about it?

Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all. I hope it does help at least a little. Like I said, try doing some calculations WITH him, and see how that goes.

Take care. I wish you all the best in sorting this issue out. xo

[geoff]

Hello Jurani, welcome and thanks for posting your comment.

I understand the dilemma you are in, but if I can give you another example might make the situation a bit clearer.

If you ask anyone with an addiction, and I'm not suggesting this at all, if they are an alcoholic or use drugs, they will say no they aren't, because they haven't come to the conclusion that the amount of alcohol they drink is alarming to them, but for others to see how much they drink they do have a problem.

If he puts a $100 bet on a horse each week or each couple of days he won't accept the fact that he's a gambler because he doesn't go to the race course every day or even gamble every day.

If he can't or won't explain why he has no savings, no matter how much you get on by living apart, if you live together then it might be in for a shock.

You're an astute person so please look after yourself.

Geoff.

[Jurani]

Thanks for your imput. I really don't know what to do about this? Maybe he's scared to tell me because I might end it. Managing money is really important to me. I need an answer. He has got better re his finances, I've seen evidence of this, but he refuses to tell me about his past spending habits. I'm not sure if this alone is a reason for me to be worried or worst case scenario, end it with him. I do know this much though, if he asked me the same question, I'd have to be honest. He's told me that honesty is high on his list, but he wont come clean about this. Should I just drop the subject altogether, or should I keep pressing for the answer so I can make a decision about him moving in or not? Like I said I did the calcs. and it's not adding up. He told me once that he USED to gamble, and he wasted $1000 over a period of time. I haven't had any evidence that this is still the case. I can't be 100% sure though. I left my ex-husband because of a gambling addiction, so I don't want to go down that road again. I have to be able to trust my partner, and right now I don't. The last time I asked him, a few months ago, he just said 'I don't know what I did with my spare money, it just went? That's not really an explanation is it? He knows the reason that I left my ex-husband. I don't want to be in a situation where I drop this subject, only to find down the track that there is a problem afterall. What would be the point in doing that. He was sharing rent with a housemate, so it's not as though he had full responsibility of that. Like I said I over-estimated his spending and it left him with ample money to save. This is why I'm questioning it. He had no car repayments, just half the rent and normal type bills. I do need to know where someone is at, some of their past history etc. I don't think that's unusual either. I've told him things he's wanted to know, and I'm straight up about it too. Internally, when I've asked him...I'm getting annoyed at his lack of explaining it. All I want is some truth and then my mind would be settled. Do you think I'm being unreasonable about this ? TIA

[geoff]

Hello Jurani, I've just found your reply, so can I possibly get back to you first thing in the morning, only because I start very early at 12.30 am, I'm sorry, and hope you understand.

Take care.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Jurani, as you left your last husband for gambling, then you will always have doubts about he does with his money, that's now but if you stay together for a longer time then your worry may only become worse.

You have to trust someone first before you make any long term commitments.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[GrandpaSpec]

Hi,

In my mine and my wife's relationship, I do most of the finances, I haven't always made the best of choices, which I get constantly reminded about, but depending on the difference from what he gets, to what he spends, I can kind of understand his response.

There can always be an underlying issue which he may not feel comfortable explaining, or as said before, even know he has, but when my budget gets worked out, I see we should have about $500 a fortnight to save etc.

Some weeks however we can earn a higher wage (wages vary) and be worse off than a "tight week" it can be lots of little purchases that add up and you don't even know.

My wife will often buy clothes or toys for the kids, need new shoes for work, be tired and buy energy drinks from the servo or not have time and instead buy lunch. Doing each of those things just once in a pay period can cost you over $100, but due to smaller purchases that you don't think will add up.

We have both looked at the bank and asked the other "where has all the money gone?" Then when we add $25 For dinner and $10 on drinks, $50 on clothes for kids, it's easy to add up by numbers but not mentally.

Not trying to defend him in particular, Just my opinion from the other point of view. But still, be careful as anything could be the case.

[Jurani]

Thanks for your imput. I get that all the little things add up. But, you'd still probably recognise where most of the money has gone. That's just my opinion. I think probably due to the constant lying from my ex- husband re- atm withdrawals etc., it's probably understandable that this is going to be a touchy subject with my current partner. I'm not grilling him about his spending either, it's just brought up casually type thing. I'm also thinking that as I can account for my own money, it's hard to understand why someone else can't. It does come down to trust I guess. It's horrible being lied to constantly [from my ex] so it puts you in a position where you don't know anymore who is telling the truth. That's the hard bit. Trust. It doesn't matter so much what he spends his money on, I was just looking for an explanation for his lack of savings. It wouldn't matter if he just said 'I wasted it ', that's an answer right? Since first posting I've actually put more focus on to myself, as long as I know what I'm doing financially that's all that matters. He does know that I know what I'm doing too, that's good for him, but his lack of explanation isn't good for me. Still not sure how I feel about this. Is expecting honesty hoping for too much? I don't know.

[Sueetties]

Hi Jurani,

I think it’s important to be able to manage our finance wisely especially when you are considering to be moving forward together. In my opinion it’s not too much to ask some clarification but it also gives yourself a peace of mind.

This comes to my mind and not sure if it helps. Does he use his credit card or cash to purchase? Just for your information, for our household, we use (90%) our credit card to pay most of our groceries purchase, bills etc and thus you don’t realise how much you have spent until you see the credit card statement and then you feel OMG that’s so much. Could this be a possibility that explains why he doesn’t have savings?! At times, I agree that that credit card does unconsciously increase our expenditure and as said above all little figures add up and you don’t realise!

I hope you find out the answer soon.