Um, hi?

[Autumn77]

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I mean I've been a member for a month but haven't posted anything yet. I suffer from social anxiety. So, for the last few weeks I've been worried about judgement on what I wright here. I know, silly. I've been thinking too negatively.

Ok, back story. I've always managed my social anxiety myself. Not sure how as a child. When I got older, I had to implement techniques for myself. Such as reading self help books and daring myself to do something scary each day. I worked out that there was something different about me when I was in my late teens. Later in life the books were overtaken by exercise and meditation. And that worked well for my confidence. Being at the gym (social environment) and would meditate to calm my mind. I became a little bit of a gym junkie and that's a lot of where my confidence came from. Being fit and looking fit. And I was very social. Always going out with friends. I loved it. I had fun.

In the mean time I went through a few boyfriends to find the right one. Over the last 5 years we've been trying to have children. But in that time I've had 4 miscarage. When the first one occurred, I stopped exercising and meditating. And didn't feel like going out very much. But still coped with going on outings. As each miscarage occurred my partner could see I was becoming more and more suclusive. There were more no's than yes's when I was asked out. Or if there was a family event I would only turn up to half of them.

My partner has 5 children of his own. His son came over for holidays mid this year. And he stayed because he didn't want to live with his mother. I was a little uncomfortable at first. But he is a shy 11 year old and polite child and could I cope. Later on, his daughter requested to live with us too. A 14 year old that had been taking lots of different substances. I won't go into to much detail. This is turning into an essay already. His daughter, I could not cope with. She tipped me over the edge. Not too far but enough for me to need medical assistance from, well, everyone. Soon after she ran off again. And I said to my partner she is not welcome here anymore. I cannot be around her.

After that was my 4 miscarage. During this pregnancy I was so anxious that I had time off work. My first day was yesterday. Only for 3 hrs and I was so scared. I found it difficult to calm down. And now today I'm on the verge of crying. I want to be with people, but alone at the same time.

Thankyou for reading

[SubduedBlues]

Autumn77

Welcome to the BB Forum and goid on ya for finding the courage to post.

First of all this is a very safe place to get support from those of us who have been through this. I'm confident that you will find the help you're looking for.

Oh how I feel your pain. I can empathize with your situation, albeit from a male perspective. My wife had a late 1st trimester miscarriage; and subsequently she withdrew from our social circle. It took quite sometime before she reemerged, but never completely. I cannot imagine 4, and feel quite saddened for your losses.

Though I'm not a medical professional, I suspect that you may be struggling with more than just social anxiety. I don't mean to put ideas in your head, but have you asked to your doc about PTSD?

Please keep posting and let us know how you are going.

Big hugs

SB

[Nikkir]

Hi Autumn77,

Thank you for having the courage to say hi, it can be very confronting and scary, I have experienced this myself and in fact so many times I would just delete my comments and deactivate so well done ! It sounds like you have certainly been through alot especially over recent years with your miscarriages and deteriorating confidence and desire to be social. It seems you did such a good job of educating yourself and motivating yourself in your early years without diagnosis or guidance and then really turned your life around with excercise and meditation, wow what a strong will you have and good instincts for what you need. It sounds like you have alot of things and pressure with your partners children as well as your own journey and issues so we can only cope with so much until we have to stop and make some changes. I am sorry to hear you ended up requiring hospital treatment:( It sounds to me like you need to have some time out to have a rest and nurture yourself. Try to do something nice each day for yourself. It doesn't have to be expensive or time consuming ( although the sky is the limit 🙂 but make an appointment in your phone or diary with yourself each day. It might be having a bath, going for a walk, calling a friend, going to yoga or writing on here, I think when you recharge and heal from all your suffering and loss you might feel like reaching out again. I can relate to what you are saying and I have experienced a similar thing myself and still am to an extent. I am a carer for someone with severe mental health issues and I noticed when they went into hospital that I actually didn't feel like getting out of bed anymore and I couldnt stand to face people, while she was with me I got on with life but when she left I realized that all the caring of another had completely depleted me of all my physical, mental and emotional energy so although I needed love and support I just could not reach out and isolated myself and still do to a degree but now I know when I am doing it and why. I hope that this will be of some help to you and hope you will write back again to any of us if you feel like it 🙂 Best wishes and take care Nikkir x

[Autumn77]

Thank you SB,

I agree with the PDST. But I have always had the underlining of social anxiety since being a child. When I managed them, my problems were like water rolling off a ducks back.

I had a tough upbringing, but the way I thought of them, was I knew this life and not what I was missing.

My parents divorced when I was 9. I changed schools I think 5 times a few in primary and a couple in high school. My parents divorced because my mum had scitzophrenia. And my dad could not cope anymore. Believe it or not, he kept visiting her 20yrs after the divorce. I never asked why, that was his business. He has now stopped. Over the years my mother got worse and one day she screamed at me and I was afraid she would hit me, and drove home in tears. I said something to set her off. I was in my mid 20s and have only seen her once in the last approx. 15 years. When I did see her, sometimes I would find mum was in there, and the other times it was someone else. She would be historically laughing, then straight after, she would cry. I pretty much grew up with no mum. I was lucky to grow up with my step dad. He took us all, except my older brother. He felt he should stay with her.

We grew up poor. My dad was too proud to seek assistance. But me and my siblings had each other and money wasn't everything. Our happiness and sticking together is what made us happy.

At age 11, my uncle molested me. I hated him and still hate him even though he died.

One day my brother came home and shut all the blinds and said people were after him. I thought he was in trouble with some kids. Later my dad came home and he knew straight away what symptoms he was projecting. He was sent to a hospital and diagnosed with schizophrenia, similar to our mum. He was only 15.

All of this I delt with. I was very positive. Always look for the good in life. And always carefree and happy with what I had. And not what was missing.

When I told my story to close friend, they were saddened by what I said. But I was not. I looked at things differently. I dont know how to explain it.

So maybe your right with the PTSD and I forgot to look after myself. I was thinking two months ago, I just want everything to stop. I'm tiered of things going wrong each year.

It wasn't just the miscarage but my partner was out of work for 9 mths two years ago. That was hard and the year before that we had a falling out with my sister and her husband.

The last five years has been to much for me.

[Autumn77]

Thank you Nikki,

There's only so much you can write in a post.

I'm walking each day at a quiet resevoir that my councillor told me about.

Like I said, it had been awhile since being at work. Yesterday was my first day. I was very scared. I made it through my first day back, even though it was only 3 hrs. I became so over stimulated that I couldn't relax after I finished. I went for a walk to help relax. Got home and was still wound up. I though a good night's sleep would help.

I woke up and still felt 'hyped' up. So I needed to go for another walk. Got back and was still the same. I started getting upset that I couldn't settle. And my thought were scattered. So trying techniques to calm myself was too hard to concentrate on doing. I could not keep still. And when i was still I was worse.

So it wasn't until after dinner did I calm down. A day and a half. And this episode I went through, is what got me to post online. I became lost, desperate and over anxious. Silly of me. Because only I can do this. Or perhaps writing here I thought would help me,

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Autumn77

Thanks for posting again, and your elaboration.

Sometimes I think it is amazing that we find the strength to continue, even in the face of such horrible experiences that occur to us. I am astonished by how many trials and tribulations that you have soldiered on through... I applaud you.

The problem with PTSD, as far as I am aware, it is not always from a single big incident that causes it. Sometimes it is the accumulation of many not-so-big events. Sometimes these smaller events take up all the space in our perseverance bucket and make it that much harder to take on yet another undesirable.

I had a troubled life growing up, left home as a teenager, and can relate to many of the woes you've experienced, life has been hard, but I don't think mine was nearly as challenging. Still, sometimes the blues get the better of me and I wonder why I even bother.

Even though I have every confidence that yet another failure, another loss and/or another insurmountable challenge is laying in wait for me... just around the corner... I know why I bother... Because in spite of all that goes wrong, and no matter how much sh*t comes my way, I always have the opportunity to help someone else rise above their undesirable state to something more comfortable. I found a way to focus on that which I can influence a change, and tolerate/accept that which I have no control over.

I am so touched by your life's story, I sincerely wish I could carry your burden, even if only for a day, so that you may know happiness once more. I am here for you, we all are, should you ever need support.

Keep your head up, somehow, we'll find a way.
Six BIG hugs
SB

[Autumn77]

SB and Nikki,

Thankyou for listening.

I've woken up alot more calmer today. I had to take an extra tablet last night for when I can't sleep. I accidently took one of my day ones first. Oh, well.

Something else had be bothering me as well. I've been 'labeled' social anxiety. But when I took a script to be filled three days again, on the bottom section it said schizophrenia. This script was from my pschyciatrist.

Why? I'm not one to be afraid of the truth.

[SubduedBlues]

Autumn77

If you're concerned about the presence of 'schizophrenia' appearing on the label, and have not received a diagnosis of the same, I would recommend that you read too much into what ailments is written on the bottle.

Often medications that are designed for one ailment are used to treat something altogether differently. 

SB

[Nikkir]

Hi Autumn 77,

Thank you for taking the time to reply: ) yes I know there is only so much you can write in a post, i often exceed the word count but I hear you. That's awesome you have been walking to deal with your anxiety and stress and that is great that you went back to work, 3 hours is a start and often it is just starting something that is the hardest. i really feel for you having to experience this stress and not knowing when and if it will end, I hope that posting did help. I called the number for Beyond Blue once on 1300 22 4636 and it was very helpful too for me. Often just reaching out or being heard in some way can be helpful I find. But you have been through alot so things don't just seem better overnight ( i wish). I am happy that you woke up calmer, I am not sure about your medication because I am not a Dr / Psychiatrist maybe ask whoever is prescribing if you are concerned. I never really like labels at all myself but some people find them useful for understanding. If they are working, then it is a good thing ? Personally I believe all these labels / diagnosis are people who have been wounded and hurt and stressed and are trying to cope with life. Wishing you all the best and please let us know how you are going if you feel like it. Best Wishes Nikkir x

[mike1uz]

Hi there,i can really relate to your last sentence. Social anxiety is what I think I'm suffering from too,its good to know I'm not alone!