Trying to grow

[Annewithan-e]

Hello people. A bit about me.

...I’m in a tough place.

I’m trying to learn how to face my past. I’m not very good at it. It goes against everything I’ve promised myself for my whole life, the way I’ve learned to live.

I have some really bad days, but no one around me would really know, because I work so hard to make sure I don’t impact anyone negatively. I am the ‘fixer’, the one who people confide in. But I don’t share any of my struggles or vulnerability with anyone.

I am trying to learn to talk, I have a great psychologist, but I am finding this incredibly difficult and destabilizing. Sometimes I just don’t quite know what to do with the feelings.

I am trying to find ways to release some of the hurt and anxiety, and I find myself here.

Thanks for being here x

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hear how much you want to address your past to help you move into the future.

You have made a positive step already by reaching out to us and engaging a psychologist where confronting the difficulties/instabilities are sure to be part of the solution.

We are here, and are good listeners, and you can be yourself without fear of judgment. I'm happy that you have joined the forums, Anne (with an 'e').

Regards,

t.

[Annewithan-e]

Thank you tranzcrybe. It was really nice to get a reply.
I’m not sure that I really *want* to address things but I’m at a stage where I don’t have a choice. Xx

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Anne,

There's no pressure here - you always have a choice on what, when, and how; as long as you feel comfortable doing whatever you feel is best. You will find much support here on the forums.

Regards,

t.

[geoff]

Hi Anne(withan-e), sometimes being the 'fixer', the one who people confide in, can make it difficult for you, because it can actually block access to your own suffering in trying to find a solution for yourself, while these other people are looking up at you.

Write down what's troubling, this can be easier than talking about what's concerning yourself then give this to your psychologist, it might then open the door of communication.

Take care.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Anne(withan-e)

Hello and welcome to the forum. Thank you for telling us your story. It can be so hard to get past your feelings and open up to someone especially when you have been the helper or fixer. It's great to know you are talking with a psychologist. While it may take a while to let go for long enough to tell the psych it will happen.

I have been in a similar situation as yours, wanting/needing help but afraid to confide in anyone. It's not a good place to be. Sometimes, as Geoff has suggested, it's easier to write down what you want to say. That way you can write as little or as much as you wish. Others have said it's helpful to write here making BB your journal. I'm not sure how you feel about this. Just keeping a personal journal may the best you can do at the moment.

It is surprising how good it feels to scribble down your thoughts about anything. You can write what you like because no one is going to read it except you. Writing can help you to 'talk' about whatever is perhaps less painful and give you the confidence to venture further into those dark places. You can post here about anything you choose and we will respond with care.

I know all of us want the best for you and we are willing to walk with you for as long as you wish. I hope you had a good night's sleep.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Anne,

Welcome to the forums. I'm off to work now but wanted to reply so I can find your thread again later. Sorry that this is short.

Reading your posts just now there were two words that stood out very clearly to me and made me feel both curious and worried for you.

Destabilizing.
Choice.

It's exhausting and frightening being in pain inside. Being forced to face the pain is even scarier. I'm not surprised to read you feel so shaken and am glad to read you have a good psych you trust enough to let in.

When you wrote you don't have a choice but to face your past and are feeling vulnerable I felt worried for you.

There is always a choice. I was curious why you feel forced? No need to answer that of course. Mary (White Rose) is right when she says you can decide what you want to talk about here and what not to.

Sometimes it is easier to talk with strangers anonymously than people in your life. Everyone here will listen but you get to decide what you feel comfortable talking about.

Hope today is a peaceful day for you.

❤️ Nat

[Annewithan-e]

Oh thank you Nat, Mary, Geoff and T. I’m not sleeping so much at the moment. But I nearly cried when I saw your responses this morning. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Maybe I was being a bit dramatic. I do that in my own mind a bit... I know I have choice, but I don’t like the alternate outcomes.

I have managed to ‘put away’ or park I guess a lot of my past, ignore it and pretend things didn’t happen. I was how I coped. I have been struggling with emotional and visual flashbacks, getting more frequent etc. stopping me from sleeping and distracting me during quieter times when I’m not busy enough. It’s getting rather intrusive which is why I feel I have no choice but to do something to address it all, or be completely overwhelmed. But I hate saying out out loud. It feels like dramatizing or attention seeking.

I do feel and hope that I can be more honest here with strangers, Nat.

Mary and Geoff, yes I am working on trying to write but I get incredibly scared of even putting things out there in writing, it somehow feels more vulnerable to have a physical record. I have been working with locked notes on my phone and sometimes I have sent a little to my psychologist.

she is so lovely and patient, I have been seeing her for 2.5 years and we are only really just getting to some of the really painful stuff. I have been so closed off. I am trying so hard but I just freeze, choke up and zone out. It is so different to my ‘real’ life where I appear confident and capable and don’t *stop* talking. Then I feel like such a failure.

tranzcrybe you sound as patient as she is.

I just feel this pain so physically, I need a release from it, I am losing patience with myself.

Thanks all for your lovely advice and support.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Anne,

Thank you for your kind acknowledgments, and I think you are doing a great job relating what's hampering you so far.

Struggling to voice what is deep within you is not failure - words are hard to find. Losing patience with yourself, however, is something I would ask you to be gentle with along the journey. It takes courage and belief in yourself despite the resistance you may be feeling, and you want things moving in the same direction if possible.

A wealth of experienced caring members have joined us, so I hope you can feel assured that you will be in safe hands at all times.

Kind regards,

t.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks...

I do think that’s part of the problem that you’ve hit on there. I honestly don’t have much courage or belief in myself.

I have a lot of trouble with how slowly I’m moving in my sessions. I’m so upset with myself at how I retreated yesterday. I couldn’t face talking about what we had been for the last few weeks.

Then there was the part where she asked me if there was any thing at all I liked about myself to which I quickly replied ‘no, not a thing’. She said ‘ouch’.

I am feeling things from a lot of angles, or should I say, on a lot of fronts. There are quite a few fires right now. It’s hard not to feel like it’s a bit too much.

thanks again for listening...