Thought I'd made it...

[Elithia]

Hi all,

Reading these posts is so humbling. So many of you seem to know how to express what's on your mind. And I'm so inspired by all the courage on display - it's tough to be vulnerable!

I held it together this year, I really did. Supported my little brother in Melbourne (who lives alone with autism) to get through the lockdown, kept my business alive (and so kept my income), built a massive vegie plot with my partner, stayed stoic, avoided social media, all the right things.

But a month ago I developed severe back and arm pain, which I learned today is a compressed spinal cord. Spinal surgery is possible, plus up to 12 months rehab. The pain is too severe to work through, which means I could lose my business. And my cat (who is my best friend) suddenly developed heart failure, and we don't have long left with her.

So now it's midnight and I'm awake with pain and fear and anxiety and grief and the whole year seems to have hit me at once. Like everything I've been holding together has imploded. Feels like I'm being crushed. I must have already been running on empty, because now I feel completely defeated.

I've always been resilient. But what happens when you just run out of capacity? It's a scary feeling.

Thanks for reading this far. Would love to hear from others who've hit the wall... or even to just receive a virtual hug. It's not easy to ask for help 🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey Elithia, welcome to the forums.

Good on you for achieving the things you mentioned, and for looking after your little brother with Autism, well done. I'm proud of you.

I'm sorry to hear about your Cat and your Spine Injury, I hope things will be ok for you, and your Cat. I wish I could help more.

I'm sorry my answer isn't that long and I just came across your thread, but please know that I do care and I'm here to support you as much as I can. I'm sorry you're dealing with a lot. I'm here for you, we all are.

[Elithia]

Thanks so much for writing, mb20lover. I hope you are doing Ok this weekend? I like your profile pic 🙂

I wish I could write a more cheery note. I've had a gruelling week and don't know how I'm going to manage the next week. My partner's injury is serious, and I will need to somehow make our home disability friendly for when he comes home from hospital. Meanwhile my own pain levels are really high and I've got crushing deadlines at work. I'm trying to visit my partner in hospital then come home and do all the housework and laundry and cook dinner and look after our animals... the list goes on...

I feel like bursting into tears constantly. I'm in no position to be a carer, due to my own injury, but soon will be. The pressure is getting to me.

Sory to write such a downer of a post. I just can't figure out how to DO everything... it's relentless. What do you do when demands exceed your capacity? I need to take some things off my plate but they all seem equally important. I am going as hard as I can but am somehow sliding backwards 😞

Elithia

[Guest_4643]

Hi Elithia, sorry I didn't reply sooner, just struggling myself.

Thanks, I love your profile pic too. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with a lot, I wish I could do more.

No need to apologise for the downer post, I understand. I hope things are ok and get better for you.

[Elithia]

Hi mb20lover,

I'm really sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment.

I am very grateful for your note. I also learned a lot from it... that it's Ok to offer whatever you can in the moment. I think sometimes I hold back from responding to others on the forum if I feel like my reply won't be 'enough'. Thank you for the poignant lesson in simplicity and care.

You helped me feel better.

I wish the same to you - I'm sending a hug and all my hopes that tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Elithia x

[Guest_4643]

Thank you for the kind words Elithia, that means a lot to me. I'm glad that I helped you, I always wonder if people appreciate my responses and if I help anyone on here anyway, I try my best even if I don't know what to say.

Sending a hug back. PS my name's Tayla (I'm 21) xx

[Elithia]

Hi Tayla,

Thanks for you warm reply! How are you doing this evening? I saw on another post that you've been feeling let down by some professionals in your life lately. I was sorry to hear it. It can be so painful when other people are misattuned or oblivious to our needs, can't it? Anyway, sending you a hug and warm wishes if you're reading this. Don't lose hope... you're still so young and I promise there are better times ahead.

I am having a bad pain day but surprisingly my mood is OK. Probably because I have an appointment with my physio in a couple days time. He is a very positive person and I believe he can help (and if the placebo works...)

Take good care of yourself and write back if you feel like it.

Elithia

x

[Guest_4643]

Hi Elithia.

Thank you. Hopefully your appointment goes/went well.

[Mishmo]

Hey Elithia,

Long time no speak. Been so in my own zone lately, trying to keep sane. Otherwise I am doing reasonably ok. Just taking it all day to day. Now back in lockdown for a few days in Vic. Always fun. But kinda use to being a hermit, so its all good. Hows you? Hows things? Hope all is ok?! Hope u not over doing urself. Stay safe xHUGSx

[Guest_4643]

Hey Elithia, just thought I'd check in. I hope you're doing ok.