Thought I'd made it...

[Elithia]

Hi all,

Reading these posts is so humbling. So many of you seem to know how to express what's on your mind. And I'm so inspired by all the courage on display - it's tough to be vulnerable!

I held it together this year, I really did. Supported my little brother in Melbourne (who lives alone with autism) to get through the lockdown, kept my business alive (and so kept my income), built a massive vegie plot with my partner, stayed stoic, avoided social media, all the right things.

But a month ago I developed severe back and arm pain, which I learned today is a compressed spinal cord. Spinal surgery is possible, plus up to 12 months rehab. The pain is too severe to work through, which means I could lose my business. And my cat (who is my best friend) suddenly developed heart failure, and we don't have long left with her.

So now it's midnight and I'm awake with pain and fear and anxiety and grief and the whole year seems to have hit me at once. Like everything I've been holding together has imploded. Feels like I'm being crushed. I must have already been running on empty, because now I feel completely defeated.

I've always been resilient. But what happens when you just run out of capacity? It's a scary feeling.

Thanks for reading this far. Would love to hear from others who've hit the wall... or even to just receive a virtual hug. It's not easy to ask for help 🙂

[Mishmo]

Welcome Elithia,

Sending you a "MASSIVE VIRTUAL HUG". You do sound like you are in desperate need for one.

I am new here but have found the BB forum amazingly friendly and understanding. There seems to always be someone else out there that can relate, assist or just listen.

I am a good listener, well I try. You sound you have held it together for so long for so many... GO YOU! Be ever so proud of yourself for all you HAVE achieved. None of that I could ever have accomplished. So proud of you. And i bet your brother is too and so very thankful to have you in his life. Covid has not been easy for any of us. All running on this weird unknown adrenaline or others unable to even function (I'm one of the malfunctioning ones, also imploding) I can sympathise with that part. Hitting a wall is never fun, ever so painful and draining. Has something like this ever happened before in your life? Maybe not to such capacity?! I suffer fibromyalgia (and many many other problems), which makes me hit that darn brick wall way more often then i ever like to admit. Venting my emotions to a specialist/GP or even here most def helps. Helps you talk through your feelings and helps you sort them out?! Well I find it does... i hope it will for you too... feel free to vent and let it all out, if and when you wish. There is heaps of helpful stuff on the BB page too that may assist.

And sure others will come by and be able to relate and sympathise.

P.S. why must our brains over think right when our heads hit the pillow?! WHY?!! LOL

[Elithia]

Mishmo, I can't thank you enough for your kind reply! I got about 2 hours of sleep last night, and reached for the phone as soon as I woke up, hoping someone had replied. It brought tears to my eyes to read your message!

I so appreciate the massive virtual hug - definitely felt it 😉

And wow, fibromyalgia is no picnic, you're amazing for coping with that. You sound like a very strong and resilient person. I would love to know your tips for those days when you feel overwhelmed, like you can't sit with yourself (if that makes sense).

You are so right about the adrenaline this year. I have felt almost energised at times, the harder things got (until now lol). it's almost as if my adrenaline tank just ran out.

You asked if I had hit the wall before. I think I would say yes, about 12 years ago when I had serious kidney issues out of the blue. I was on a scholarship then and so was able to 'coccoon' for months and recover. But the mental toll s hard.

My main way of preventing depression is exercise. But that's not possible with this back injury. So... I need a workaround, I guess! On your bad days with fibromyalgia, when pain is high and energy is low, what self-care tactics do you find helpful?

[Mishmo]

Hey Elithia,

Awww you're most welcome. I also haven't been sleeping well lately, even with meds, my sleeps all over the place. I had the house to myself today so slept on and off all day haha... still feel tired. Yeah, fibromyalgia is just frustrating... a major fight within myself cause I can't do what I want to and wish to. And if I over do it, that darn brick wall hits me hard and I will be out for days. Having this has taught me how to pace myself. Learning my limits and working around them. Making sure I have down time/me time, between big chores or emotional days. Knowing if I dont do this I will be bed ridden for days and in serious pain. But I have learnt more about it and have been working life around it. Knowing I can't do what I use to be able to.... and that is okay. Learning your limitations the hard way is never fun... but knowing there is hope it is possible is comforting.

You definitely deserve some YOU time after all you have accomplished this year... and trying not to feel guilty for it. We all dont have endless adrenaline... it will always run out sooner or later. And annoyingly always happens when you seem to need it most. Have you been able to have a bit of down time?

Yes since covid I have become less active due to my agoraphobia creeping back which makes all my other problems snow balling. I find aqua aerobics the most helpful for my fibro and back. But have not been able to return to that since March. I am so needing it, but have to be more cautious then most with covid. So for now I am just learning to cope the best i can with what i can do and accomplish. As going backwards is okay... long as i dont give up fully.

Anywhoo enough about me. How have you been today? Glad to be seeing the back of 2020?! How is your veggie patch going? Hows your bro doing with covid? Sending hugs! Talk more soon xx

[Elithia]

Hey Mishmo,

Thanks for your reply, and happy 2021! I hope the new year brings you much light and love... and sleep and water aerobics and good days 😉

You really sound like you've attained so much self awareness and insight and acceptance throughout this journey. Have you always had that knack or have you cultivated it? I admire that very much. Being able to name things up without self-judgement is so powerful.

I completely get it about agoraphobia and post-lockdown. A few weeks back I had dinner with a bunch of people I volunteer with, and we basically all fessed up to feeling super awkward and socially anxious and out of practice with one another. It will take us all a good long while to properly emerge from our caves (literally and psychologically). Sounds like you made the right decision to hunker down and protect yourself from infection. When things are safer, I wonder what might help you feel more comfortable venturing back out into the world?

I've been riding the anxiety dragon most of today. Been researching potential surgeries that I might need for my spinal compression and I have often needed to put the screen down and breathe!!

But I did one really nice scaled-down thing today. A real baby step. After more than a month laid up in bed in agony, I found it in me to get dressed, go to the gym, and do ten minutes of gentle pedalling on a recumbant stationary bike (which doesn't trigger my back pain). It felt amazing!!!! Practically Rocky Balboa. Just to feel for ten minutes that my body could do something positive instead of cause me pain... it was the best new year's present.

Of course I was a ragdoll the rest of the day! Ha. Baby steps, like I said.

I keep thinking of your suggestion for 'me' time. I think that's very wise advice. To be honest I struggle with that idea a lot. There's a lot of guilt attached. I already feel guilty fot needing help at all. But I think my mega 10-minute gym session probably was a good example of 'me' time. And yeah, if I don't make my health a priority then I won't be able to achieve anything. Surgery itself, whenever I do get it (I'm a public patient, so there will be a waitlist) will have a long recovery period. Things will have to get worse before they get better, I suppose... As you said, 'going backwards is OK'.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out how to return to work on Monday... seems preposterous, I know!

How was your first day of the new year? Did you set any resolutions or intentions for yourself? I've committed to learning how to be a belly-breather... it's actually super challenging for me.

Sending hugs in return xx

And if there are others reading this convo, please do feel welcome to join us 🙂

[Mishmo]

Hi Elithia,

Sorry for delayed reply... been a bit worse for wear. Something wring with my jaw/lymph nodes/ear... or all above... the pain has been exhausting and my minds been all over the shop.

How are you doing? So so proud of your gym adventure... thats awesome!! GO YOU!!
Thats how I feel after bathing nowadays lol... so exhausting. Am def a rag doll most days.

Always been able to help others, just never listened to myself and followed my own suggestions so to speak. Took me much psych help to make myself step back and listen to what I say to help others, to help myself. When i am struggling, i put myself in the situation where is someone came to me with the problems i am having, what would i say/suggest... and listen to myself and apply it... cause i am worth it. I do love helping others, just took me a long time to love myself as much.

Yeah regards agoraphobia, i just try to focus on the now, trying not to hermit myself too much and worry about the exposure therapy once all has passed and possible to do so. Fighting the inner fights is all I manage atm. I was thinking today... i am just in survival mode really, doing what i can to pass time and pass days... just existing. And thats awesome, as its so easy to just give up. Taking baby steps, hour to hour, day to day, month to month and so on... i try not plan too much ahead, otherwise i stress over it till it comes and then try work on how to get out of it lol.

Keep striving to make "you time"... its so very important. And going back to work may help mentally also?! Maybe not so much physically tho?! Hoping its a easy going job tho... i hope u dont over do yaself. Or them darn brick walls smack ya in the face... stinkin walls hahaha.

Know I'm your cheerleader here... YOU GOT THIS!! .... (and if not, thats OK, there is always tomorrow/or next week/or 2022... haha)

Sending many more hugs.

[Elithia]

Dear Mishmo,

thanks so much for your post! It was lovely to hear from you, and I was really sorry to hear you'd been having a bad time with pain.

Ditto at my end - going back to work yesterday was rough and I'm pretty sore. Seeing my doc in a couple of days to see if we can get the pain meds sorted out. Just logged in to wave ... will post again soon.

Take good care of yourself and speak soon,

Elithia x

[Elithia]

Hi Mishmo,

how are you doing??? I've been thinking of you and hoping you're managing OK with everything you've got on your plate at the moment. I meant to ask - do you have people around you, or do you live solo? Living solo can be really delightful, but I imagine it might sometimes be tough to have to be your own hero all the time, especially when you're operating in 'survival mode', as you put it. Please know that I'm beaming kind wishes to wherever you may be!

Thank you so much for asking after me. Although our respective pain conditions are different, I feel very much the rookie in this experience and I really do value your expertise. I met with my doc today to go over some test results, and I've got one hell of a challenge on my hands, and am facing possibly more than one spinal surgery. I am to start on new pain meds next week and I'm quite scared of the potential side effects. My anxiety spiked so hard this afternoon that I almost took myself off to the ER! Thankfully, I was able to tune into a meditation tape instead and got myself grounded.

I learned a cool new tactic today. It's called VARY. V is for Validate (i.e. yep, my experience is real). A is for Acknowledge (and it feels like this and this...). RY is for Reassure Yourself. This might sound strange, but I struggle most with the V part. As a C-PTSD survivor, I'm often a little disconnected from myself. Also, I was taught early on that expressing 'needs' can be unsafe. So I'm still trying to learn how to dial into myself and go, hey, what's actually happening in my body and mind right now? Once I get the V-part, the ARY just follows 🙂

Anyhow, that's today's mini-skill! That's actually something I really value about you - that you celebrate the small or incremental victories. And I've also learned from you that it's fine to hold onto hope when faced with bad stuff. I hadn't thought you could... I thought hope needed 'evidence' (I'm quite a pragmatic person. Also probably a bit pessimistic). But when I read your posts, I realised I could just CHOOSE to invite a little hope in. And that feels quite radical and comforting.

How about you, Mishmo? How are you doing? Anything incremental, radical and comforting happening at your end today? I do hope so.

Keep being amazing 🙂

Elithia x

[Mishmo]

Hi Elithia,

Sorry, yes I am alive... kinda. Been a bit of a mess and my son has been sick also. He is finally picking up again, just in time for me to get it i bet... joys of mum life.

I have been very low and tired... time passes too fast when this happens. Been unable to do anything. Plus with covid and the world as it is atm, I have started to become agoraphobic again 😞 which i am hating and trying to fight with the lil energy I do have. Hence the delayed reply. I become distant from everything when I get in this state, including my phone/tech/all people. But I will continue to work on me and manage best I can in the moments. Been thinking of you and hoping you are doing better then I?!

I will write more soon, currently 3am and I best get some sleep. Hoping you are well as can be and not overdoing yourself? Hows being back at work etc? Your back etc?!

Talk more soon xx

[Elithia]

Hello Mishmo!

It really is great to hear from you. I've been thinking of you, Hoping all was well. Sounds like it's been rough - I'm sorry to hear it.

This will be just a short post as I'm laid out with nerve pain tonight. My partner is in hospital due to an accident on the weekend and so I'm flying solo here... am pretty tired. A friend made some dinners for the fridge thank goddess.

More from me soon. Keep well and keep hopeful! Sending comforting vibes...

Elithia x