The secret life of us

[jacksonpie]

Hi, My mother passed away 6 weeks ago, it was fast but we still had a chance to talk to her i guess about anything. I don't have a relationship with my mother that allowed me to do that. My mother is my trigger. I am angry at her that I had to keep secrets for her and from her to keep her happy. I often wondered if I would ever tell her how that had affected me, but I didn't, right till the end I couldn't upset her or risk getting her trying to guilt me which was her fallback if I challenged her. I have other siblings who have all had standard lives, stresses, marriage breakups, which we all have, but for some reason they think because I've never said anything or relied on my mother for support that I have had some sort of perfect life. There seems to be a bit of secret squirrel stuff going on amongst my siblings which is also a trigger...secrets. I feel like, at the moment that I could let all the secrets out just so they would know what I've had to do for everyone in this family really. I know I'm upset that mum died (no matter what our relationship was, she is my mother) and I know that anger is probably also normal, but I feel like maybe I'm being unreasonable and my feelings aren't valid. At the moment I can't control the tears of hurt and frustration.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Jacksonpie,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I'm sorry but I don't really understand the first two sentences 'we still had a chance to talk to her I guess about anything' and then 'I don't have a relationship with my mother that allowed me to do that'. But I'm going to try and go off the rest of your post and offer some support anyway.

I am really sorry to hear about your mother passing away.

I want you to know though that there is no 'wrong' feeling in grief. In the same way that it's okay to feel sad and angry, it's also okay to feel everything else.

I could be off track here, but maybe there's a part of you that not only lost your mother, but also lost that chance to have a better relationship with your mother? Often with grief it's complex and messy - so we not only lose the person, but everything that comes with it - when a family member of mine passed away, it wasn't just them who died, but their hopes and dreams, my relationship with them, what I wanted my relationship to be like, the family dynamics. Everything kind of has to shift. I'm not sure if this makes sense to you but I'm sharing it in the hope that you can see that what you are feeling is valid and reasonable too.

RT

[White_Rose]

Dear Jacksonpie

Hello and good to meet you. Welcome to the forum. Please accept my condolences on the death of your mother. It is a hard thing to come to terms with as I found when my mom died. Not a good part of our lives.

I am also sad that you feel there was no time or way you could speak openly your your mom about all the hurt you received as you were growing up. I'm not surprised you are angry, it is quite a normal emotion for this kind of thing.

Can you tell us a little about yourself? Where do you come in the family? Do you have a partner and/or children? If you have a partner have you told this person about your feelings and the secrets you felt you must keep? One more, have any of your family members ever tried to talk to you about your mom?

Keeping secrets is a horrible thing and it does tend to make us believe everyone else is keeping secrets. No doubt this true in some cases but not in others. Perhaps you can manage without this information for a little while until you have sorted out your life and feelings a little more.

I would like to suggest a couple of things. Ask yourself how onerous it will be to carry these secrets for the rest of your life. I believe this is an enormous burden to carry and I am not surprised you have found it difficult in the past and moving through the present. Your feelings are completely valid and shedding tears of hurt and frustration are also normal. In fact they are a good thing as this allows you to release some of your emotions. Let go as much as you can. After a deep hurt I have found tears helped even though the situation has not changed.

And of course your situation will not change unless you decide to talk to your siblings or some else about these feelings and secrets. No need to rush into it. Maybe a chat to your GP is a good place to start. Perhaps write down all the secrets you have kept whether for your mom or from your mom. Make them into a journal of some sort. The act of writing this down can be very helpful. Don't linger over any point. Simply write and move on.

Would you like to continue posting here? I hope you do.

Mary

[jacksonpie]

Thank you Mary, I am 2/5 in ranking, but the eldest sibling who is my full blooded brother was adopted at birth and I was told about him when I was 12, by my grandmother, who also told me to never speak to my mother about it because it would upset her, there is the beginning of not being able to talk to my mother. I have been inappropriately touched by my step father, which I have also never spoken to my mother about. I often feel like this was how I held the key to her happiness, because if she knew she would be unhappy and the family destroyed, so therefore I couldn't say anything. I have been divorced and have 2 fabulous adult sons and we are very close. I also have a very supportive partner. I have 3 younger sisters, and of course my older brother who was found when I was about 23, and is a part of the family. Over the years if Mum upset me I would think I hold the key to your happiness and yet this is the treatment I get, which of course irrational, because she didn't know about that. I have had counselling a few years back, and spoke to a DR and generally I have quite a good control of my feelings.

[jacksonpie]

Hi RT, I guess what I mean is I had the chance to unload and vent to her about how being told not to talk to my mother about my brothers adoption when I was 12 set me up to not ever be able to confide in her, for fear of upsetting her. She actually never even spoke to me about the subject. Also at the same time my parents had separated and my father was in a very bad car accident which saw him become disabled. My mother went on to remarry and there were some "inappropriate dealings" towards me there so again, another secret I couldn't talk to her about. I literally spoke to her in private for 10 minutes in the 6 weeks leading up to her death. She was rubbing her foot on my leg and said to me I'm showing you affection, not scratching my foot. Maybe she also had regrets, I don't know. I have worked in our family business for many years so I really have been the keeper of secrets, I need to find the strength to keep all of this anger inside or vent in a safe place.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi jacksonpie,

Hearing about what you've said to both Mary and myself shows me just how many secrets you've had to keep. If our usual secrets we hold in our wallet, the secrets you've kept have been in luggage bag.

I noticed you said that you have to find the strength to keep the anger inside or vent in a safe place. I'd really recommend that you not keep the anger inside. I've never seen a good experience come from this - even though it seems like a good idea, it always has the potential to bottle up until it's unbearable. What would letting your anger out look like?

RT

[jacksonpie]

Just tears, and a bit of woe is me maybe a bit angry, more internal than external. It's all quite the mess when it's the family that hurt me who are the secrets that I hold and the secrets that I protect them from.