Hi everyone,
I just want to see if anyone has been in a similar situation to me, and has overcome it in some way. I hope this isn't too long so someone actually reads it.
For as long as I can remember, I have been depressed. I never really tried to seek help, as I didn't really understand my problem till about my early 20's. I am now 30. I have been on and off medication, I usually just stop taking it because I don't know if it's working or not. However I am currently on medication, but I will probably stop taking it soon.
My childhood was fine, not really that remarkable in any way, no traumatic experiences. I had friends in school, and while I did not try in any way (I've never studied), I completed year 12 with pretty good results. I went on to work at Aus Post for 10 years, which I resigned last year. I was making roughly 100k a year (I managed to rise up the ranks very quickly), but I was so unhappy, so I left my girlfriend and my job at the same time and moved away.
After school, I moved into Sydney to live with a friend. I also began working out (I was really skinny) and really buffed up. I worked out religiously for about 3 years, then I stopped. As time went on I slowly lost nearly all my friends (they lived far away). I do find it hard to make new friends, because I am a terrible friend. I make no effort to contact or organise anything, but when people are in my company they seem to like me. This lasted for about 2 years, then I fell out with my final remaining friend because of something I beat myself up every day for, which I won't go into.
I have no goals, no ambition or drive to do anything. After I quit my job, I thought I would try university. I arbitrarily picked a subject I hoped I would become more interested in, but I always find it hard to be interested in anything. I am really struggling with university, as I have no drive to study. Just today I missed my first practical, and tutorial (I can only miss 2, and this is week 2) because my sleep pattern has turned to shit, and I'm awake all night.
I cannot get assistance from the government for Uni fees, so I had to pay all my fees up front, which was the last of my savings from my job. I cried when I looked at my bank account and all my savings were gone. This was really embarrassing as my girlfriend was here.
I am lucky in some ways, as I know I'm not a bad looking bloke because I've somehow maintained a bit of my muscle. When people are in my company, they seem to like me.
