Struggling with the present and living in the past.

[Freya10]

Hi All,

This is my first time on here. I've tried to talk to friends or some family about how I'm feeling lately, but I feel no one gets it.

I'm a happily married mum of 2 aged 3 and 6.

I've been with my hubby for 15 years, married for 9. A few years back we went through a really rough 4 years.

In summary,

Hubby had always been restless with work, wanted more, got made redundant several times so we decided to buy into a franchise, thought we had thought through every scenario that could go right and wrong. Silly us i was pregnant at the time and my husband was doing most of it himself, we thought we would be right, only to realise, 6 months in, my husband wasn't coping mentally or physically...We had to call it quits, we ended up selling our house of 7.5yrs that we had been in and worked hard paying our mortgage and life went down hill from there. We had my 2nd, renting, my hubby basically had a mental breakdown, couldn't work or function, I'm looking after a month old and toddler. On top of $$ from the house going on living and decreasing, our dog went through a few surgeries that ended up costing $10,000.

Fast forward 4 years of one big nightmare and we are coming out the other side! I'm working 2 days a week, hubby has a great new job, kicking goals, company car etc etc...we have healthy kids, paid off vet bill and will

Life should be good I mean we have come out the otherside, better in some ways. For me though, I'm finding things extremely hard, I want my life back, I want my OLD life back, where finacally we were great, in our bubble, had a young son and all was great.

I'm struggling to cope with the enormous task of getting back to where we were, starting over saving for a house all over again...we will never get what we had back and i hate it.

I've been having dreams where i am in our old house and I'm crying then i wake up.. i miss it so much.

I guess I'm on here just to ask how am i supposed to move on? I feel so stuck? The negative feelings i have really take over.

Thanks

[Terry73]

Hi Freya,

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forums, please know that you are always safe to voice your worries and thoughts on here,

I think nearly all of us wish we could go live in the past, or at least change something in the past, that old Hindsight thing, but the fact is time always moves forward, and its just something we have to deal with.

I know that isnt comforting to hear, but it does open up something which may help you cope better, and that is remembering the old "butterfly effect", if we could change something in the past, what effect would it have on our present or our future?

For example in my own life, I could wish I never met my Ex, then I wouldnt be going through the last 8 years of hell, but that would also mean that I wouldnt have the 2 children I adore, nor would it mean that I have had the experiences I have had that have changed me into becoming someone I feel is a better person. Also I wouldnt have worked out what is important to me, and finally I wouldnt have been able to focus back on my dreams I once had.

Another thing to remember is to look to the future, to know that there is still plenty of happiness for you to enjoy, regardless of being in the old house or not, you never know, maybe one day you will find a home just as good or better than your old one, and you will be more the wiser for it too.

Put simply, we can always look on things in a negative view, but we can also look on things in a positive view too, and I know which I prefer to look at, and move forward to create a better future.

Anyway, those are my views, I hope they helped, but I am no professional, if you need more help, you could try some counselling using the Beyond Blue lines (1300 22 4636) or similar, or seeking professional help from a GP for example.

Terry

[Freya10]

Thanks Terry,

I really appreciate your feedback and reading my post

I'm really trying hard to think of and be greatful for the things i do have, I'm just in a fog of it all it seems.

I really get what you are saying though. Xx

[therising]

Hi Freya 10

First I have to say you are both amazing, to have gotten through such an intense mental and financial struggle.

Of course, grief isn't just about losing someone dear to us. We can grieve over a variety of things such as the loss of a lifestyle as well as a lost sense of self. We may tend to hold onto an image of our self in a life which we long to regain but, in truth, life is all about re-identifying, evolving into a new person with each experience. Sometimes it feels almost impossible to be able to do this by our self, without guidance. Nothing wrong with seeking professional help regarding a little guidance; a positive pro-active step on a currently challenging part of your life path.The grief/loss you feel is definitely worth addressing.

You certainly sound like an evolutionary person - becoming a mum, adapting to being a carer/support system for your husband during his dark period and I'm sure the list goes on regarding how you have evolved in a myriad of ways throughout your life. Nothing wrong with admitting we may be feeling lost at some stage in our evolutionary process. Considering nobody's life came with an instruction book, we're all basically doing our best in different ways when it comes to winging it.

By the way, in your new life you are not starting all over again (saving for a house), this time you are starting for the first time when it comes to saving for a house you will keep for as long as your heart desires. Life may appear to be on repeat occasionally but, in reality, 'first times' happen in every moment.

Take care Freya

[Freya10]

Thank you therising, you have given me something to think about. X