Struggling Alone

[One_More_Day]

Hi,

Poor decisions and behaviours (poverty thinking/undiagnosed mental health condition?), led to the end of my marriage twelve years ago.

Today, I am unemployed, have no family or friends and have lost all interest in life. I haven't left the house for six months and spend most days in bed.

I grieve the loss of my family every moment of the day. It is inconceivable to me to think there can be happiness and joy again.

Job Seeker just covers my mortgage and expenses and I am increasingly unable to keep a job. I have not worked since Sept 2023.

I called the suicide line a few hours ago but was put on hold for a long time, which is when I came to this forum.

While it is comforting to be amongst people with shared experiences, it doesn't alter the harsh reality of my life nor resolve present, concerning issues.

I am 55, have two degrees, had a perfect life, and now I am at great risk of adding to the growing statistic of homeless middle-aged women, if I live that long. I hope everyday I will die and have abused alcohol, cannabis and food as a slow form of suicide. I hope I will just collapse one day and it will all be over.

I was on anti-depressants at the time of my divorce and seeing a clinical psychologist. Neither helped. I just don't have confidence anything or anyone can lift me from this living tomb.

OMD.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear One_More_Day, YourimaginaryFriend,

I can relate to both of your journeys, staying home months at a time, feeling so alone in this big universe, unemployed,  no friends, staying in bed, not showering, loosing interest in everything, ignoring people knocking on my door etc….That for me started around 11 years ago, lasted about 4 years…Then a condition of receiving centre link benefits was to do volunteer work, my job provider found a well known charity that I was able to get one day a week from….Wow was I a complete mess when I started there, not socialising with people for quite a while, I forgot how too, it took a while but I did it….fast forward till now, over the years I decided to add an extra 2 days a week to volunteer, I’m now the co ordinator for the 3 days I volunteer their…, even though I don’t have close friend from work, I love being with them and we all care about each other….and have some fun times….I guess I’m trying to say/ask..in a round a bout sort of way….if you’ve thought about doing volunteer work, to help you get out of the house and socialise with other people?…I’m now on aged pension for 2 years, don’t have to volunteer anymore…I still do, because if I stopped, it would be detrimental to my mental health….

One_More_Day, I like your user name…last year I struggled with bI lateral (2) frozen shoulders…after nearly 10 months of constant extreme pain whenever I even slightly moved my arms…I had had enough and didn’t want to be here…I kept putting it off for one more day…finally after 2 sets of cortisone injections and finally no more intense pain….I was pleased I used my “one more day” strengthening motivation at the beginning and end of each day….it got me through…and you will also get through it sweetheart…Just by you all being here, you’re helping so many people, to not feel alone…you have purpose, you have meaning and you’re very much cared for by all the beautiful people that you meet on these wonderful forums…

My kindest thoughts with care,

Grandy..

[YourImaginaryFriend]

Hey Ggrand, 

Thanks for your insight and wisdom, as someone who has been through the tunnel and come out the other side. It looks a little more hopeful. I have volunteered actually, at a lifeline and salvos. Not for any Centrelink requirements but just as a fun thing to do to help the community, and yes it feels great. I do hope to volunteer one day but using my dog as more of a therapy dog in residential aged care or hospice work. I much prefer the company of people who have been there and done it all, as it makes my problems seem so insignificant and magnifies my strengths (working legs, can climb stairs and drive a car). All the things we take for granted. It really puts things into perspective for me. I just need to save up and get a training course and pass a test before I can do that though. A lot of red tape when something like showering seems a bit too hard some days.
Wishing you all the best. 🙏 

[One_More_Day]

Hi YourImaginaryFriend,

Apologies for not replying to this earlier - I get a bit lost on these threads as they seem to jump around a bit and I can't follow what's recent and what's ancient.

Isn't it funny how people are like this? How similar such sad circumstances are. I am not generally one for wallowing in self-pity or having no motivation, but for the life of me, even if I won lotto tomorrow, stepping up and getting over "this" darkness seems so unlikely and impossible. Unable to hold a thought for a long time, get organised, everything is such a mammoth task. I have never felt this hopeless before. There are heaps of things I love to do and was always pretty good at, like yoga, writing and photography. I love hiking! It frightens me to be losing the will to do any of it. Even my appearance has changed, I look defeated. Yes, weight gain, less concern about appearance.

I fully get the watching the same movie over and over again. For me it's been Fisk - I love that show - Kitty Flannagan is a genius. YourImaginaryFriend, do you mind if I ask what your diagnosis is? Depression? I feel I have something more sinister than that, but maybe I'm just trying to justify my uselessness, but we sound so similar. The executive function - you are the only person that's ever used that expression and I have been wondering where mine went for ages! It's a fully tangible sensation being aware of how scattered thoughts are. Anyway, I guess we're just lucky. 

I have won awards for volunteering and currently volunteer, it does give me purpose without stress. I think for people with mental health issues, being able to perform tasks without anxiety and stress is so important. As soon as I start getting paid for something, the stress level goes through the roof. But volunteering, not a problem...I guess if you're not being paid, there's no expectation. 

I have stopped drinking, stopped using cannabis and have become a vegetarian, all in the hope that better lifestyle choices will improve my circumstance. This is only day four but already, taking that control feels like something I can do!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Very relatable.

OMD.

[One_More_Day]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you so much for your support. The understanding certainly lightens the burden. Part of me believes in the medical route, part of me believes mind over matter and good lifestyle choices can make a difference. I am currently looking into practitioners.

Many thanks again.

OMD.

[One_More_Day]

Hey Randomxx

Apologies for late reply. Good advice re titrating doses. It is wonderful and even better when used sparingly - no medication is desinged to blot life out.

OMD

[One_More_Day]

Thank you Grandy 🙂

[YourImaginaryFriend]

Good morning OMD! 
Yes, I had to psych myself up for that exclamation, because mornings are not THAT exciting. 
I agree, they do jump around and I have to keep checking the date as I never know what day it is. Thankful for email reminders that someone has commented. 

I can very much relate to losing the ability/willpower/love for some of your favourite things. It’s scary how something that used to bring so much joy, depression now hijacks and makes you question the validity of the activity. It’s almost like a shadow of yourself tagging along and you can’t enjoy the activity, like a hike. Nature is the best; I go camping a lot to escape. 

The depression is right there alongside you saying “why are we doing this?” “This used to be more fun” “I swear this didn’t used to be so hard”. It’s like they’ve changed the difficulty setting on life and now I have an annoying sidekick that is just SO negative. I try to escape this horrible sidekick but how can you when it’s your own brain. Weighed down with all this talk, it’s easy to understand how depression saps the literal life out of you because you have no one to blame but your own stupid chemical imbalance or harmful thought patterns. 

My depression too has changed my appearance. I used to do a 7 step face routine and use regular masks and get treatments and now I’m just washing my face with whatever is in the shower at the time because doing more than the bare minimum right now is too much. 

FISK! FISK GIVES ME LIFE. Kitty is just so funny. She’s my absolute favourite comedian. I love her dry witty humour. It’s undoubtedly my favourite show at the moment. Have watched both seasons twice. 

I have been diagnosed with BPD and complex PTSD (basically a fancy name for childhood trauma). The depression and anxiety I face on a daily basis is just how it manifests. I usually only have a low level, tolerable kind of depression but the last 6 months in particular has been a descent into the absolute worst darkness and hopelessness I’ve ever encountered. I can usually pull my socks up and snap out of it but just haven’t been able to. 
I agree, it’s a very tangible sensation to be aware of scattered thoughts and it feels like you don’t even know yourself anymore. For someone who is proud of her ability to trust herself, it’s scary that I just can’t trust myself anymore to even hold onto a thought or follow through with simple tasks. It’s like every GOOD thought is just a piece of paper (easily ripped and discarded) but every BAD thought is a rock that gets harder and harder to throw as you grow weaker. 

I fully relate to the volunteering. As soon as you start getting paid or expectations are placed upon you, then it becomes stressful and you don’t want to do it anymore. 
It’s like reverse psychology: expect nothing of me, and I want to go above and beyond to please you, but the second you expect something or ask me to maintain that, I’m done. 

I’m pleased to hear you’re making good choices in the hopes that you can heal from the inside out and I hope day 5 is even better than day 4. 
It’s been so lovely chatting with you and relating to everything you say, it’s really helped me a lot to find someone in a similar boat. 

[One_More_Day]

Hey YourImaginaryFriend!!!!

I used extra exlamation marks to really emphasise the excitement!! Oh, and some more! Hahaha.

Uncanny the shared experience. I've not had a diagnosis as yet but suspect it will be something along the lines of BPD. PTSD, I haven't been threatened or in danger the way a victim of an accident or brutal crime is, but growing up in an environment of coercive control might be considered a subtle form of trauma, one that takes place every day over a lifetime. It sets you up to fail. Humans need to be in control of the decisions and choices in their life, they are not someone else's to make. Good parenting guides and sets boundaries so humans can go forth and conquer wholeheartedly. Confusing boundaries with authoritarian control is the biggest mistake people make. Poverty, transgenerational trauma, so many nasties impact coping, behaviour, and so the cycle continues. 

Life is short and for people in mental anguish, sadly wasted.

FISK - I've easily watched all episodes 30 times. Fiskophrenia.

Ditto your last sentence.

OMD.

[YourImaginaryFriend]

Hey OMD! That intro, the exclamation marks made me lol. 😂 I didn’t expect to be so happy to see that on a forum like this! The energy! Yesssss!!!

Growing up in an environment of coercive control and an authoritarian parenting style is the story of my life. The old classic - “because I said so” was used a LOT. This produces a walking on eggshells environment whereby your identity/opinions/choices aren't nurtured or even allowed to develop. I so get that. I do. I realllly do. This is how we end up with BPD and complex PTSD. 
I was heavily neglected as a child (good old abandonment trauma), but when my single mother (she pushed my dad away and I have never been able to find him. She told me he was dead half my life to cement that belief- just because he was “dead” in her eyes) came back (from overseas or whatever fling she was on) she was in total control mode to make up for the time she missed and thought by being strict it would make up for the time missed. It was just contrasting and polarising attitudes and parenting styles. All. The time. One week it would be confiscation of my teddy bears and the next I’d be locked in my room or went without food. The punishment was corporal for something so small like leaving a towel on the floor or taking more than 2 mins in the shower. The punishment NEVER fit the crime and it left me EXTREMELY confused and exhausted. In fact, I’m STILL in a state of disbelief, like “did that childhood just happen?” and I’m 32 this year.. it’s left a very weird hole in my soul and I have no idea who I am. I feel like my personality for the day is dependent on what I’m doing or who I am seeing. I dress accordingly also. For example I’m sweet, docile and feminine when I see my nana to make her feel good, but masculine and rough around the edges when I’m travelling (probably to repel people). 

Mental anguish is my life. I’m really not sure what my purpose is in life other than to be a survivor of that. Note: survivor, not thriver. 
Every day I don’t see what the point is to my existence. 
There’s much more than that, but that’s just the surface of the iceberg. 

I wish more than anything to have a friend. I wasn’t allowed sleepovers as a kid and I think I’ve been starved of friendship and kin-ship my whole life. Only child to an unstable mum was very lonely. 

I should probably make a whole new thread with my problems hey. 😂

I hope your day was eventful in the best kind of way and I hope you smiled today at something. 
🙂 

[Shady Lady]

I am 50, by some miracle I still have a family. I have had depression, anxiety and adhd for most of my life. I self medicate with sleeping pills and alcohol. I can't afford counselling and I have lost several jobs through being like this. You are not alone. I understand your pain and struggle. I don't want to leave my bedroom. Keep chatting, thinking of you xxx