G’day you’se mob,
Reading through this forum makes me realise just how much I
gotta learn before I attempt to peer anybody, let alone answer a post. I really
want to rescue everybody, you know? -from bullies, from their toxic partners
and relatives, even from their existential dread. The couple of times I have
posted in someone else’s thread I’m anxious as hell trying not to overstep the
mark, and I want to make sure I only address those things I have direct
experience of.
I had a catch up with what I call my bogan mates, these blokes
I’ve had to keep at arm’s length since I got out. They are all drinkers, but
they are more than just old drinking buddies, a few of them I have known since
school, a couple were in my battalion, and one was a cell mate. These are also
mates who stuck by me and encouraged me to get my s*** together, they are my
brothers.
They are all ‘going straight’ like myself but I was the one
who had to give the grog away as an everyday thing. I fell off the wagon first
time since April, but I don’t see it as a lapse or relapse, it was more of a
planned once a year kind of thing. I made sure I only had a limited supply and
made sure I was full of food and made sure I was first to say ‘See ya later’. I
haven’t re-ignited a dependency, in fact the next day reminded me painfully why
I don’t want to do this every day.
While it was great to catch up with buddies it did remind me
how behind I’ve fallen in the ‘Game of Life’. I remember my 40th birthday and thinking on that day that I’d ‘made it’, I had my house with a
pool, 2 motorbikes- my Harley Softail Fatboy Lo & the Triumph Bonny Bopper
and, 2 cars- the SS work ute & my treasured 1972 HQ Kingswood. I was
looking at buying a boat, I was working in security, managing a team. Not only that,
but I also had a beautiful young wife, soon to be the mother of my youngest son.
A year and a half later, she was gone. 5 years after that, everything else was
gone too.
I find it hard. It’s one thing to know that something is
true intellectually and another to apply it into your life. I know that money
and toys don’t make a man, but that’s exactly how I judged myself and every
other man. My shame and embarrassment at catching public transport, standing in
line for my dose at the chemist, going to Centrelink really destroyed my sense
of dignity and pride. It’s hard to break these ideas and use other ways to
measure your own worth.
Anyway, gave me something to think about.
See you’se later
