Starting over at 51

[Jafar the Barmecide]

Ok, this is take 2 of my first post, I was wisely advised to edit it as I probably gave too much detail and risked doxxing myself and went into triggering territory so here is the revised post-

Sometime ago (redacted to summarise) I had legal issues, and as a result I lost my job, my car, my license, the respect of my family, friends and colleagues, my dignity, my house and eventually, my freedom. I was in a dark place, that is allI can probably say

The journey from there to where I am now is why I am here. I have been through a hell of a lot more than 2500 characters can describe and there is still a long way to go. I am now homeless and unemployed with a conviction that is proving to be a barrier to progress. I have to start over, I have to find a reason to live, some spark that gets me up in the morning. If I can get myself through this, I will be well placed to help others who find themselves starting over, whether they have just been released from prison or newly sober and commited to remaining that way or need help navigating the courts and justice department, I now have experience to share in all these areas and if that can make a difference in even one person's life, then I have found my spark, my reason to live.

My goal is to get to a place where I am comfortable enough to turn around and reach out to people on the same path, learning how to use the systems and services put in place to help people in the most effective way possible by using those services. Beyond Blue is one of those services. I'm here to learn and share and try to stay focussed in the face of the daunting task of starting over at 51.

[Petal22]

Hi Jafar the Barmecide,

Nice to hear from you.

Congratulations on the new place, Im sure the new way of living will take some adjustment.

Im sorry you are feeling lonely, it’s nice your boys have come to stay Im sure they appreciate your company.

I understand it’s hard when we adjust our meds, if you are finding it difficult please go back to your doctor and discuss your concerns.

Remember to pick up the phone and have a chat to those close to you.

I understand we all want to feel joy just remember to keep doing the things that bring you joy , keep practicing gratefulness and still stay close to the ones you love.

I understand bikes bring you joy….. have you ever thought about refurbishing one? I understand you don’t have a shed … you could use a spare room?

We are here as a community to support you please reach out to us anytime.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Jafar the Barmecide,

Just quickly, what about Men's Shed? I wonder if there is a Men's Shed you could join? I'm not sure if they could accomadate precisely what you'd like to do, but, who knows until you ask, what might be possible.

I can't say more right now. I'll try to return to your thread during the weekend.

All my best for you & your family,❤️

mmMekitty

[saga]

Jafar, I don't feel like right now I have any advice for you - seems like a lot of other people in this thread are better than me at that, so I'll leave it to the experts (although the Mens' Shed idea might be just up your alley, especially if you like tinkering with bikes).

I just wanted to chip in and say how moved I am by both your story and your willingness to share your thoughts honestly. On top of that, wow - do you have a way with words. I used to be a journo way back when, and dabbled in a bit of writing, and pride myself in knowing when someone is a natural scribe. The way you articulate yourself is unique, engaging and devastatingly genuine. I would say that whatever you end up doing as a job or career, make sure you write stuff - even if it's just you keeping a diary and spilling your thoughts onto the page.

It's a pleasure to know you fella, and I look forward to further chatting with you.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jafar,

I understand these places, where you live are very small; you don't have your own yard or as you said, shed. I've wondered how people are supposed to have hobbies, in such confined spaces. If you want to do something that requires equipment or an outdoor area, you can't. So I'm wracking my brains trying to think of places to go where people can do various things.

Too often people sit around watching tv or on computers instead of being active.

I guess that's why I'm thinking parks, community centres, sports centres, - but I don't know what would interest your sons. & you need to take into account their ages. Some places & activities cost money. it's so difficult.

I've got the motivation problem, myself. & some other hurdles to get over as well. That's why this is a difficult question for me.

You mentioned the gym, where you are already a member. Will they allow kids as young as 10 yrs old?

I wonder if the local council might have ideas, on their website.

*

I don't know what I can say about those cops, except, I would hope they had something better to do than to harass you, just to mess up your day, to p you off.

I dunno, some people put on a uniform & they become bullies, & because you got a record you become 'fair game' as far as they are concerned. You are supposed to have rights too, but I understand how difficult it would be to make a complaint, risking an even larger target on you.

So, when you keep being harassed, & when people around you even suspect you have a criminal past, & treat you with suspicion & hostility, how in blazes are you supposed to 'reform'? It won't matter how 'good' you are, so long as this prejudice is levelled against you. But I hope that does not stop you from trying to be the best person you can, for yourself, for your family, & for people around you to see what's possible.

Wishing you all the best in making your new life.

Warmly,

mmMekitty

[Jafar the Barmecide]

Thanks for the encouragement, Saga, and everybody. I am very glad you enjoyed my writing; I do write a lot; I once had the beginnings of a historical fantasy, but my house was broken into, and my computer and hard drives were stolen. This was in the days before clouds and Google Docs. I had around 18000 words down before I lost it and it was traumatising. Then I read a series called His Dark Materials and it was so close to what I was writing - and much better- I lost all the enthusiasm for the project and couldn't hack the thought of writing it all out again.

I'm still writing but it's not fantasy, its dark realism, write what you know they say. I started it inside, as a journal but it got a bit crazy because I was so bored and stir crazy, I had to make stuff up and the characters inside were all kinds of crazy. I gotta say some of them should have been in hospital, their grip on reality was so far away from their actual reality I began to wonder if it was a coping mechanism to deal with the monotony. A lot of paranoia, conspiracy theories and tall tales.

But even that has fallen by the wayside lately. I am enrolled to study now, Community Services Cert III, still waiting on the WWC card but was allowed to enrol if I had applied for it. I am hoping study might light a spark again. It should, I need to show myself and the world I’m not just a criminal meathead.

You’re right mmMekitty, the way I look gets me all the wrong attention but it’s something I am used to and must deal with. It’s not just the judgmental cops and potential employers, I often get approached by dropkicks who want to score or sell me something illegal, or I get challenged by ‘gangstas’ in tracksuits and gold chains who want to prove how tough they are by challenging the greybeard biker. That’s tricky, the second I thump them I’m back inside so I can’t. I usually just lose my s**t and rush at them like a maniac and usually it’s enough for them to back off. Don’t talk tough, just go full looney, draw attention, freak them out.

Anyway, thanks again

Over and out

[mmMekitty]

Hi Jafar,

I'm just dropping by to ask how you are going? 

You do write ell, & I hope you will take it up again, whatever form or genre. I was happily writing on my PC one day, for 7 hours with one or two short breaks, I guess, when I pressed the wrong key & lost every word. I've wanted to get back that story, because what I'd been writing seemed to be working, flowing so easily, but it seems irretrievable.

But I still try to write other things. It hasn't been easy since the writers' group disbanded in 2020 - COVID. I was very disappointed this had been decided. The regular meetings, the work we did & shared & learning how to critique, was all so good for my writing. I have not felt the same since.

I really like the words 'tracksuits and gold chains' to describe those people. Just those few words says so much. An image pops into mind, & I also think of a character in the 'Sopranos'.

But please, try not to freak out; you could end up in trouble if you do. I hate to think of you having to retrace even part of your turbulent journey.

I hope you have settled some, have found something you & your sons can do when they visit, found one of those Men's Sheds I mentioned, or something to help you along your way to the better life you are working towards.

💖Warmly,

mmMekitty.

[Jafar the Barmecide]

Thanks mmMekitty I am having a lot of problems with the new website, it keeps jumping down the screen which is very distracting as i am trying to write and the last time i tried to reply it wouldn't let me.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jafar,

We hope you don't mind us popping in on your discussion. We just wanted to let you know that we're looking into these issues, and we're grateful that you let us know about it. If you'd like to share any further details please feel free to email us at modsupport@beyondblue.org.au

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[mmMekitty]

I don't know if this will help with the screen rolling down problem, but,, just in case...

A member noticed we can lengthen the text field by  (on a PC). mpoving your cursor down to the lower right-hand corner of the text field & locating when the cursor shape changes to a vertical up/down arrow, & you could drag the field down from there, & shorten it too. I like the field longer when I realise I will write a longer post.

Warmly, ❤️

mmMekitty

[Jafar the Barmecide]

Hi all I will give it a go now and see if it's any better. I think maybe I was answering or posting when the page was left open too long and wasn't properly logged in. I am an impatient person and I get easily irritated when these things go wrong even when they are my own fault.

Of course, I am on my last day of my seven-day isolation because I tested positive to Covid 19 on a RAT with the darkest purple line I have ever seen. I knew it wasn't a normal flu when I found myself emptying my dinner all night, that doesn't usually happen when I have had the flu in the past. Before that night I had just felt a little run down, I had been burning the candle at both ends so to speak, with my studying and I found this great writing app called campfire which inspired me to collate all my writing into one space. So I was feeling a bit fatigued, but after a night of throwing up I had a huge headache behind my eyes and nose and did a test. 

There I was thinking I was special because I was immune and had taken 2 years to get a whiff of the pandemic that hit me like a ton of bricks. I am feeling better now, my sister dropped some food at my door and the fever has gone. But the study has fallen by the wayside and the writing is on hold (76 thousand and something words though! I hadn't realised, that is like- 'as much as "The Philosopher's Stone" and it's nowhere near finished so I am proud of that). All I have had the energy to do is watch Scandi Noir on Netflix and French supernatural horror - my 10-year-old son speaks fluent French and J'apprends un francais tres basique- I can order a coffee and be polite and know when my son is swearing at me, petite merde!

But it does mean all the things I do to stay mentally healthy like leaving the house once a day even if it's just to go for a walk have stopped too- on top of which, because my immune system was so compromised, eczema flared up like bubble wrap around my forearms so badly it would put you off your dinner.

I am hoping I will be allowed back out tomorrow- glad all you’se are here

Reste en bonne sante!