Scared I'm about to lose my job because of my mental health.

[itsjustaj]

Hi all. I didn't know if I shoukd post this is the depression or anxiety area as it's both that is affecting my job, so I hope this is OK. 

I am 45 and I work full-time. I've struggled with my workload and productivity on and off because I get overwhelmed and just... freeze up is the best way of describing it. It almost feels like brain fog, the moment I start getting anxiety it's like I can't see past the problem and I can't get the tasks done. 

Then because my productivity is bad, I get depressed and procrastinate and it's just a vicious circle.

I feel like a failure because I can't manage my workload, but I also worry about asking for help because I am afraid I'll be judged or my boss will think I am useless. 

My bosses know I struggle with my mental health. I've used the EAP before. I feel frustrated and upset that I've gone backwards and feel like I am letting my bosses down, my colleagues down and the clients who depend on me to do my job. (I work in disability support services)

I took today off work because I was so overwhelmed and depressed. 

My boss sent me a meeting invite but it doesn't say what the meeting is for. 

I think it's because of my performance. 

I hate the idea that I am going to have to walk in there tomorrow and once again tell them that I am not doing well and that I have failed them again.

At what stage are they going to just tell me "this isn't the job for you" and fire me? 

I feel like I've ruined everything. 

[Croix]

Dear Itsjustaj~

I'm sorry that you have not received an answer to your post before now. It can take quite a bit of courage or desperation to talk with strangers, and to seem to be ignored does not make one feel good.

In this case it was the system, which does not always do what we want, and is no reflection on you or the subject you wish to talk about.

By now I'd hope you might have had that meeting with your boss, and I hope they were understanding and helpful. Disability services is a very hard job to do properly and many people find it very hard to keep on going.

I do not think that having to cope with mental health issues makes you in any way a failure. You are far too hard on yourself if you expect to be able to perfom as if nothing was wrong, mental ill-health can be a serious handicap. It is not a question of letting anyone down, I'm sure you do all you can.

Freezing, brain fog and being unable ot carry out tasks have been exactly the same for me, I have a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. I was silly and left things far too long before seeking medical assistance, this made things harder to treat, and took a lot longer, though I'm miles better now.

Can I suggest if you have not done so already you see your GP in an extended consultation and explain what is happening and how your are feeling? If you have a medical team already I's suggest telling them thier treatment is ineffective and needs to be reviewed.

May I ask if you have anyone in your life to give you support? Family or a friend perhaps? Trying to deal with all this on your own is extra hard.

If you  would like to come back and say how things have gone that would be great.

Croix

[itsjustaj]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry I didn't respond before now, I missed the notification that you had responded. 

To have someone that understands and offers support has made ne feel a bit better.

The meeting with my manager went better than I thought it would. She wanted to check on me as she'd noticed I was struggling. She assured me that my job was safe. 

I went and saw my GP, she offered me antidepressants. She told me that with the medication most people take three to six weeks to get used to them and that I may get nausea and that my anxiety may feel more acute. 

It scared me, because I already felt so bad that I couldn't bear the idea of it feeling even worse. 

I still haven't filled the script. I'm too scared. 

Things at work has been better. I don't feel the pressure as much because my manager understands I am getting through my to do list and extended my deadlines. 

Today I had an anxiety attack and was able to tell my manager so I could go for a walk and clear my head. 

So there is at least that. I don't know if I will take the medication. I'm still scared and on a good day I think I can get through this.

Is it possible to deal with anxiety and depression without medication or am I just making things harder for myself? 

[Croix]

Dear Itsjustaj~

I've very glad things seem a bit better than before. The upcoming interview with your manager must naturally enough have been weighing on your mind. I'm pleased it went well and you now have the freedom to go outside to deal with panic attacks.

Having been assured your job is safe would have been a great relief. As for taking medication, your GP is right it can take a while for it to take proper effect. I have had various diffent reactions. The only thing I can suggest is that your reaction is closely monitored by your GP wiht the ability to be in contact quickly if things get  too bad

I've not been able to improve wihtout medication but the regimen I take has little side effects and works well

Croix