Relationship Confusion

[Macca]

I've been seeing the same man for 22 years. We lived together for 4 years and have had separate homes since then. He can be very kind and caring & tells me he loves me as I do him. My problem is he has to be in control of almost everything,  not in an arrogant way, it's just him, I feel it's a personality disorder. I try to be patient & accept that this is him.

At the moment, we are not seeing each other as we argued; I thought we were just discussing an event that was happening in town. He was getting angry as my views weren't the same as his, to which I commented a couple of times why are you getting angry, then to be told I didn't know anything about it & I was an idiot. I just calmly left the situation. Two nights later similar thing where he starting yelling he didn't care about the people I was talking about &neveryone can get lost, Now I was upset.  I should have stated earlier he snaps & talks to me like like he is a headmaster or sergeant  

[Croix]

Dear Macca~

Welcome here to the Support Forum. I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation and frankly wonder if you have thought about why you have been in this relationship for so long.

My idea of a partner is someone who cares, looks to make thier partner have the easiest path though life, looks after them and has their back. Additionally to simply enjoy being wiht htem, and possibly intimacy too

This does not sound from what you have written to be anything like your situation. You found you could not live together, and when you meet cannot have discussions wihtout being met by abuse, or ordered around.

22 years is a very long time and by now you may have thoght why remain for so long.

So rather than give you generalized suggestions may I simply at this stage ask you what you would like. Maybe it is the current situation which at leat has the advantage of familiarity, maybe it is somethng completely different.

Only one other thing occurs ot me out of you message , and that is that you thought there might be some form of mental illness/personality disorder behind all this. Can you persuade him to go see his GP and in a long consultation see if in fact this is the case. I realise it is not an easy thing to get someone to do. What do you think?

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Thank you for sharing something so personal.

It sounds like you’ve shown a lot of patience and care over the years, and you clearly love him — but it’s also okay to acknowledge when a relationship feels unbalanced. Being spoken to with anger or disrespect certainly does not sound fair. (I feel you deserve to be heard.)

Taking space after those interactions is completely understandable. It makes sense.

With that said, I am not sure what else I can say. I wonder what you are looking for?

What would you like to see happen?

Listening...

[therising]

Hi Macca

I find highly questionable people to be questionable in a whole variety of different ways. Somewhere around the top of the list of questions would have to be 'Why does this person never or rarely ever seem to question themself?'. Another way of putting this can be 'Why do they not wonder about themself like I wonder about them?'.

With my husband of 23 years rarely ever wondering about his behaviour, the way he thinks, his belief systems, different aspects of his emotions etc, I've spent a lot of time in recent years wondering about such things. I should add that I'm quite happy to open my mind to wondering about such things regarding myself. I figure higher levels of consciousness are important in providing not just much needed revelations but also a sense of personal evolution. In observing my husband over recent years, I've reached the conclusion that in some ways it serves him to not wonder or question himself. Perhaps it's like this with your partner. While it may not entirely serve anyone around him, how does it serve him to be a regimented person? How does it serve him to put an end to conversations through the degradation of others and their beliefs? How does not opening his mind serve him? Does it all give him a sense of self importance? Does it give him a sense of being in control? Does it give to him the emotions he want's to feel, as opposed to emotions he doesn't want to feel? Does it all give him a strong sense of identity, one he's more than happy with (a sense of identity he thrives on)? Is he simply arrogant or is he someone who can't manage through a lack of regiment, someone who can't manage through a sense of a lack of control or someone who can't manage challenging emotions etc etc? We could go on questioning all day, when it comes to our partner's questionable aspects (where they originated from and why they exist). Is it to do with the way they were raised, low self esteem, some aspect of ADHD or autism or can it be related to something else?

While a one track mind may come to serve an individual in certain ways on their path through life, it does not always serve those who travel with them. A 'my way or the highway' kind of relationship does not make for a happily shared path, that's for sure.