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Parenting, study, depression, anxiety and feeling low - not sure actually...
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Hello,
This is my first time on a forum of any kind. I have only seen a psychologist and therapist once in my life when I was involved in an accedent when I was 19. I am now a 47 year old mom. I have suffered depression twice before, once when I was 19 (the accident was the tip of the iceburg). Back then no one talked about it and I didn't even tell my parents how I was thinking or feeling. I got depression again in my late 20's/early 30's but it was spoken about more then and I prescribed anti-depressants and exercised more which helped. Now I don't know what I am going through and I am questioning myself. I have twin daughters who are in Y6 and I love them to bits, I honestly think if it wasn't for them I would not be here. A few years ago I had career change and work as a special needs education assistant which I love, but I always felt I wanted to do more and decided to go to uni for the first time to study teaching. My husband was nearing the end of his degree and has always been very supportive of me, as I am of him. I also wanted to be a good role model to my children and show them not to make the same 'mistakes' I did, in not going to uni after school. My husband travels a lot for work, and I have no family suppport here, I also feel that since moving here (its been 9 years) I have not made any close friends I can talk too. I feel that I am 25 years behind now in my career. I struggle with one particular subject, Maths, and have just failed my 2nd year unit of it, for the second time. I am now questioning whether I am good enough and should I carry on. I also feel a wave of emotions as my body begins to change. I feel I am not only letting myself down, but my family. Friends and colleagues know I am studying however I am incrediby embarrassed and disappointed with myself. I have lots of questions, I am I just not good enough as what I want to do, should I just give up now before wasting any more money, what will others think of me? I will contact the uni today and see what my options are. But I feel I am at a crossroads in my career. I need to be there for my children as they are going to be going a difficult time in their lives as they finish primary school and start high school, with their frienship group changes amongst other things. I know what I want to achieve but am I aiming too high at this time in my life? I keep thinking others have it FAR worse than me and they get through it. Why can't I? Am I just feeling sorry for myself or is it more
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Dear Kirst_18,
Welcome and it’s great you’ve reached out for support.
I feel the most important thing is to start from what is most right for you - your own health, wellbeing and happiness. I say this because it will always be the best example to your daughters to connect with what makes you feel happy and connected in life, whether that is doing your uni course and becoming a teacher or something else. I think it’s important to be doing the course because in your heart you want to, rather than viewing it as needing to better yourself. So often in life we do what we think others or society expect of us, but sometimes we need to listen in to our own intuition about what really speaks to and connects with us.
So I guess I am wondering do you feel that you would love to be a teacher and you are passionate about the path, or do you feel you have felt a sense of obligation to follow this path? Do you feel you will love being a teacher as much as you did being a special needs education assistant?
I also worked as an education assistant including quite often with children with special needs. It remains the most rewarding work I’ve done in my life. I have considerable health issues though and ended up transitioning to some other work after a certain point. I know being an education assistant is not great pay and I understand wanting to get ahead more. I can also see what you are saying about wanting to be there for your daughters at this stage in their lives and how you feel that you’re at a crossroads. I know it can be a challenging time too in that I’m 50 and in late perimenopause and that can definitely throw some curve balls in terms of how we can feel at this stage of life.
I guess the most important thing is coming back to what supports you to feel most well and happy and there is no shame in not continuing with your studies if you so choose. At the same time if you do wish to continue, can you see ways to find the right supports along the way? For example, perhaps there is a way to get some extra tutoring with the maths. It sounds like having more social support would be really helpful too as I can hear how you feel isolated without family support and close friends around you. You definitely should not be embarrassed feeling like you are struggling and I think good on you for giving teaching a go.
Would it possibly help to chat with a psychologist to work through your feelings? You can get Medicare subsidised sessions through a mental health care plan with your GP? In my experience it’s important to find a psychologist you connect with. Something my psychologist has done with me is get me to feel into each possibility when trying to make a decision and see how my body responds. If something makes me feel expansive inside it’s usually a good sign. If I internally contract and feel a lot of stress and strong aversion/resistance it can be telling me I really don’t want to do it. But I know it can be more complex than that with mixed feelings.
Take care and happy to chat further if you wish,
Eagle Ray
