I have been in mental health sector all my life since adolescence, I am totally screwed up and consistent dysthymia and major depression reactive to adverse life events ie. non-melancholic depression.
This past year or so I came to acute realisation that all my problems have only been manifestation of the core issue, that is, a personality disorder which I am very hesitant to name because this particular PD is so reviled, sensationalised and misunderstood. It always features as villainous.
You may have guessed what it is already although my pathology manifest in less known way, the way coined 'vulnerable', 'hyper-vigilant' or 'covert'.
I hate, ashamed of myself ,and tormented, for possessing such psyche of this personality disorder. I cannot deceive myself unlike so many others apparently unaware of their PD.
I have drifted lower and lower , more and more isolated (vicious depressive cycle) since I left Sydney about 8-9 years ago, going further away from capitals and lost professional psychiatric support. Only just existing by looking after my very demanding dog: the only family/friend I have got.
She has heart ailment now that numbers her days- lucky if she stays for another year.
I am in a desperation now knowing what would become of me when she finally goes.
I am so tired of my life which best described as a total failure.
Since I am famililess/friendless and a total stranger to a regional town where I live now who cares if I go? I have never been such a thing as valued community member.
Since every expenses are paid automatic direct deposit and my DSP coming in the same account, nobody would even know.
