Owed to Solitude

[amd1953]

I owe a lot to my current situation in life.   In fact, it's probably as close to heaven on earth that I will ever get.   I've served my apprenticeship in the School of Hard Knocks.   It was actually a life sentence with no time off for good behaviour.   I think it was Mr. W. Shakespeare who said "All the world's a stage".   And that is precisely what we are - actors on a stage.   Some of us play our parts really well and fool the audience into actually believing what we say we are.   Then there are those who find it impossible to be anything other than what they are.   Not good actors at all.   That's where I make my entrance.   But I don't play to the audience any more because it is a complete and utter waste of time and effort.   Now that I have settled into retirement, I can stop the acting and the pretence and be whatever I choose to be.   It's a great pity that we have to spend the greater part of our lives playing to an audience.   Some people get away with turning their backs on the bright lights and sink into blissful anonymity.   This is what I am trying to do now so that I can gather a little happiness around me before I drop off the perch.   When I think back, I seem to have spent so much time trying to keep everyone else happy and giving in to do things when I don't want to.   I never had the nerve to say no so I guess I was a real pushover.   I think it's time to turn the page on the script and write my own dialogue for a change.   Or is that asking too much?   I'm not really sure myself.   Maybe I am expecting too much.   Shame on me eh?   But there will come a time when I run out of choices and that will be the end of it.   The curtain comes down on another production.   I only hope it doesn't come too soon.   If we do what we want to when we want to do it, we are called selfish.   I have nothing left to give.   It's all gone.   The audience have gone home and the stage is a dusty platform waiting for the next deception.   Sorry, production.

[amd1953]

YAP (Yet Another Postscript)

Saluti Ems,

My mother once told me that I would make someone a wonderful wife.   At the time I did not bother to question it but looking back on it now, I believe she thought that I was gay.   Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, I am willing to accept whatever I am with responsibility and good grace.   Far be it from me to question "she who must be obeyed".   To be honest, I can't recall what I thought I was or what exactly the choices were.   Perhaps there weren't any choices at all.  I never questioned anything that might come as a shock to my system.   If someone expressed an opinion about me, I became that opinion.   I was raised to do as I was told and I did just that.   Little wonder that it landed me in so much hot water later in life.   A little male child puppet with all of the sensitivity of a wallflower.   Introverted, shy and withdrawn from a world that scared me to death.   Alas, I could find no way to escape it but now I wish that I had.   I dreamt of running away and living in the forest.   Not so much a Tarzan as a Winne the Pooh.   I did like honey.   But nothing came of that and I stayed put to avoid any distress to those around me.   If the moon had been any closer, I would have given that a shot.   When you are continually harassed by people, you tend to develop a consuming hatred of everyone but as a child, I could not countenance the idea of hating anyone, so I just put up with them until the situation became unbearable, and then I still did nothing.   I have followed that path all of my life.   As I wrote in a recent post, I am stupidly good-natured.   My destiny was to become a nobody.   I appear to have excelled beyond my wildest dreams, but it is something I do not worry about.   My fate is probably written in the stars, and it gets closer every day.   Not even that will fluster me.   I have been carefully trained to accept everything with the minimum of fuss and inconvenience.   When people told me that I was immature and that I should grow up, I just smiled sweetly, blew them a kiss and stayed the unearthly child I have become.   Most of them gave up after that and thought they were punishing me by giving me the silent treatment.   How wrong they were.   In one of my many past lives, I took an oath of silence.

Well, enough of this nonsensical nonsense for now.   I wish you much happiness.

 Another Month Deconstructed 1953

[Emotions26]

YAP  

I love that...how very clever of you

Saluti amd firstly   .....of course

so much to answer and my mind is swirling. Stimulation.  I have discovered that I do not cope well with over stimulation.  I am constantly reading and excitement rises within me and I know that I am still that little girl with so so many questions...so so excited and at the same time possibly so so frightened knowing that I will be told off for asking questions yet again....

How can a child stop questions?  Why should anyone have to stop questions? How else can someone learn and understand more more more

What is  wrong with having an extremely curious mind?

Nothing nothing nothing

All becomes a loop and the questions unanswered create further questions and the mind becomes over stimulated ....flooded with feelings and responses that are left unquenched

Why? I think that I created that word.

How?

Who? When? Which? Where? Whose? 

You never write nonsense amd   You write amd which many love to read.

No I will not let you respond with words that deny this. We have become to know you and want you to write your truth.

I know that you have great pain and sorrow. Feelings are real and yet they can teach us so much because western society teaches us to mistrust fear sorrow ...heartache..

Noticing these feelings arising and allowing them to be even when uncomfortable is giving ourselves permission to be who we are after so many years of being told otherwise

Writing on here is wonderful for you and for me to receive your letters spiced with that inimitable humour that is amd.

Others read to.

I found your other horizon post and you have fans there as well from your dusty stage.

Keep on being amd

Sorry I cannot respond to your other letters at the moment. I have not been well.

Another day. I can write what I have written

You would call this nonsense if they were your words.

They are my nonsense and I love nonsense just because I can.

Have you finished reading your new Oxford Dictionary.

What  is your latest favourite word?

ciao

easily missed senses

[Emotions26]

postscript  YAP

Some of the most beautiful people in this world have possibly been labelled an earthly child by some imbecile.

Stay unearthly

I will meet you there to write more letters as I am far better suited to a different star than this one

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I am on my new medication now and I took my first dose last night.   Hopefully, it will do something positive.   The least said, the better.   Was it not Socrates who said, "Look at me and think me stupid, listen to me and acknowledge me as a god."   Well, no he didn't say that at all.   I'll have to look through my dictionary of quotations.   🙂

I drove into town yesterday and as soon as I arrived there, I wanted to come home.   Not a new feeling on my part.   I wish I didn't love driving the new car so much.   It would make everything much easier just to leave it sitting in the driveway forever.   

Life is what we live, and reality is the permanent backdrop to all of that.   We cannot pick and choose.   We have to accept it or reject it and then commiserate with ourselves during the autopsy.   Trying to work out people is a constant joy for me (not).   It wears me out and exhausts me to the point of desperation.   Even Henry David Thoreau acknowledged that most men lead lives of quiet desperation.   I can see no reason why that observation is gender specific.   However, comma pause, desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is why I try to distance myself from every other living soul on this earth.   A persecution complex?   Perhaps.   So tired of finding myself in situations where I am judged by someone else.   The amazing thing is that you never know who is going to slap you next.   So, I avoid them like the plague.   Obviously, this is why I love this forum because anonymity does not breed contempt.   Right, that's got this morning's rant out of the way.   "At last, he rose and twitched his mantle blue: Tomorrow to fresh woods and pastures new."

That book I purchased recently is a dictionary of quotations.   More a reference book rather than a cover to cover read.   As for my favourite words.   Well, to name one or two would be to denounce the other half a million words currently in print.   Amazing Magic Dictionary.    Audaciously Magnificent Deeds.   3591.

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd, 

New medication brings hope. Did the doctor mention how long it would take before you started noticing some improvement? They all differ and of course different results for different people. Hopefully you benefit soon and feel some relief.

As to what Socrates might have quoted, I think not on that one; possibly amd?  Have you been practising from your latest edition of oxford dictionary quotations, perhaps?  Why not? Sounds very plausible to me. In fact I would encourage you.

I do not think that I have ever heard a person state that they wish that they did not enjoy driving their new car so much. That one did make me smile. I am still not driving mine. Over eighteen months old and less than 1,000 kms. Collecting much dust within the garage. I do sit in it sometimes and listen to carplay.  It still smells new!

It takes time to get used to driving a different car let alone a new one with all of the latest bells and whistles. Most of mine, I had the salesperson switch off before I drove it away. I also had more turned off after first car service.  I hope to take it out tomorrow briefly.

We are very similar amd in our response to coming into contact with human beings on the rare occasions that we go out.

For me I am sure that there is a whole new language that has replaced the one that I learnt. That might have needed some improvement in speech, language, volume to mention a few. 

This new one appears to not include any eye contact at all. Head down; mumble as quickly as possible; very few syllables which for me are incomprehensible. It does not help at all that I have not worn my hearing aids for over four years after covid upset the sensitivity of my ears. I am not standing that far away from the person mumbling though.

Background shouting from other staff and people within the room, generally a medical appointment. What happened to giving name receiving a smile and thank you, then being invited to sit down?  Now I have to wait whilst they answer phones, talk to each other and other patients that come to the desk (standing too close.  Covid?  also they are in my personal space.

I sound a nightmare I know.  Perhaps I actually am.  I do know how to smile though and I can actually still speak for myself if spoken to respectfully. 

The doctor then wants to know why I have not been for blood tests, returned for other appointments.   Oh...I do not leave the house very much at all really.

Perhaps I should just not attend at all. They cannot force me can they.   I prefer to stay at home moving around my garden, talking to myself and all living creatures who visit. The birds are not bothered by me at all.  Perhaps I shall become Bird Lady. 

How is your Amazing Magic Dictionary? Encouraging you to perform Audaciously Magnificent Deeds fast forward to the year 3591?

 Every missed sentiment  62

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

This afternoon was an exercise in imaginative speculation.  Half wishing and half dreaming that I had agreed to meet my dear friend Pessoa down at a local bistro.  Of course, he was already there when I arrived, but he was polite enough to overlook my tardiness.   He's like that.   He always has much to say but that simply allows me to listen to every word he speaks, and it is always to me that he is directing his conversation.   When we are both done with talking and listening, we shake hands and go our separate ways.   When I stop to think about it, all I have done is read what he has written in his book.   A brief moment in time with someone who once lived a life.

How can I think that I have lost so much in this life without really taking into account the cost of living it?   Our lives are echoes of what might have been without all of the trimmings of having to endure the good, the bad and the not so pleasant.   If we tell ourselves that we have not met our destiny then time has already accelerated out of the present and into the past.   I once read that it is possible to see the mind as a series of rooms in a house.   If you want to forget something, you have to put it in a spare room you seldom visit, lock the door and then throw away the key.    One day I might try that.   The past hangs over me like a black noxious cloud.   Pushing it away all the time reminds that it is real.   Writing everything down is also a positive and a negative.   Yes, I want to remember that and no, I hope to forget that.   

My GP seldom gives much away as to what he prescribes will work or how long it will take to kick in.   It tries my patience, but I am strong enough to believe that it will do what it is supposed to do and quicker than I would wish.

Amusingly Mischievous Delights 1953

[amd1953]

AMP (A Mini Postscript)

Saluti Ems,

Can I resist the temptation to write something else to you?   Absolutely not.   I am; therefore, I must write.   I am vaguely toying around with the idea of going somewhere today in the car.   But the indecision keeps me reluctant to set foot outside.   I can already hear the roar of the traffic passing my humble abode and it fills me with fear and trepidation.   If I take long enough to think about it and weigh up the pros and cons, I won't go anywhere.   I don't really have to go anywhere to do anything or purchase something I need.   I have been in the house since last Thursday and I need to leave it temporarily.   I should make an appointment to have my haircut, but I just can't bring myself to call them.   The one positive thing I achieved from the ADF was to be manic about the length of my hair.   What I would give to live in the middle of a huge desert with my own cave and a wall all the way around it.   That vision varies from day to day but there is always some burning desire to shake off reality and plunge headfirst into the imagination.   Even now, a few minutes after the initial thought of going out, the idea has died a tragic Shakesperean death of tragic proportions.   Perhaps tomorrow will be the day when I take my life in my hands and venture forth into the great beyond.   Or Thursday or Friday next month or next year.   Who knows?

Amazing Mathematical Deviations 1395

[Emotions26]

Saluti amd, or have you changed your surname by deed poll? Amp? Your mini post script. Impressive.

I shall reply to your letter and said mini post script in order, of course, how else would I reply?

Meeting your very close friend, Pessoa at a local bistro, what a treat! Did you imbibe in the wine locally grown; cellared suitably; having won several awards?

 Such an encounter, a wonderful way to escape almost everything.  I am assuming that you made the most of the opportunity and asked questions plural, as would I. At the same time absorbing every single syllable that he uttered.

He was already there awaiting your arrival relishing the look of excitement on your face. Of course he was already there. He knows how highly you regard him. He would not think of keeping you waiting.

He would see no others, only you his private audience. 

A wonderful opportunity for you to experience even further learning from his writings.

A brilliant way of recalling your passion for his works.

I have had a meeting with someone from ancient times a long time ago now and I cannot recall who it was. I can see a park bench though where we sat and were clearly both very engaged in each other’s conversation. I remember the feeling of surrealism.

The subjects of ageing; life meaning; destinies are no longer allowed to dwell in my mind. They know this well and rarely visit.

Dreams are my reminders of past years and I often wake, still in the dream.

I am a recorder of thoughts and interestingly enough of late have done little of such. Perhaps that is why my memory is not the best. No has nothing to do with that. Memory is foggy from fatigue and feeling weary. 
Doses of garden, nature help me out there.

GP’s.. I received an appointment reminder, telehealth of course. Why would I want to visit a medical clinic and come home with whatever germs are circulating? The only issue, is that I need a referral yet trying to find out more from health cover and specialist rooms just sends me into a maze searching. Goodness knows how I am going to reply when he asks how can I help you?

easily mingling stars

[Emotions26]

Postscriptum

Thank goodness you did not resist the temptation to write. The ongoing tale of your new car intrigues me. 

The question being, did you take your car out for a drive? Does your car have a name? 

Would you believe that on that very same day I visited my car in my garage to yet again sit inside and listen to "carplay" my favourite feature where I can listen to music of my choice. 

At these times I do feel deflated when I see the layers of dust rising on the body of the car. 

In order to drive, I would have to reverse the car out of the garage onto my steep driveway and this I dread. Car stays in garage momentarily until I move past dread of reversing car out.

The silly thing is that once I achieve this task I mostly enjoy driving.  Other motorists of course can be frustrating and rude.  I love driving through the country roads though when the tour down under is not on though or even leading up to the event. Perhaps best to leave that alone.

As for haircuts  .. ponytail??  wear hats? .... shave your head?

Perhaps you are out driving at this minute enjoying the sensory feelings of your new friend, your car.

emerald sparkles

[amd1953]

Saluti Ems,

I usually lose people when I talk too much.   Their eyes glaze over, they become partially deaf and their nerve-endings seem to tingle with static electricity.   That is the unfortunate effect I have on most people.   But then you are not most people.   You are the chosen one to receive my incessant conversational burbling.   Tis a hazard of the job!   But you appear to be holding up well with your mighty stoical attitude.   Well done you!   You are now in the running for a sainthood and possibly a free set of steak knives.   As for my car, well, It isn't a brand new model just off the assembly line but it is new to me and it seems to be behaving itself at the moment.   I have to take my foot off the accelerator when driving up hills because otherwise I might find myself airborne very quickly.   I call this one Nietzsche because it is a German wolf in an Aussie sheep's clothing.   Yes I did venture out twice last week.   Once to the supermarket and then down to have my haircut.   Short, back and sides, thank you very much and there's $60 gone.   Never mind, the hairdresser did assure me that I looked like an ageing Tom Cruise.   In my dreams.   I'm considering a Mohawk next time.   

Most of my days are spent in pondering the great questions of the modern world such as what am I going to have for tea and did I remember to put the bins out last night.   All vital musings in my mind and essential to maintaining my sanity.   However, one day, I am going to discover that it was all in vain and that I just have to return to earth and face reality.   I might just float back softly rather than burning excess fuel in order to beat the gravitational pull.   Well, I had better  stop right here.   I can feel a meteor shower approaching!

May your days be blessed with everything joyous!

Attentively Metaphysical Determination 3591