Overthinking

[tevont]

I know asking this might make me seem a bit silly, and I’m not sure if anyone else believes in things like fortune-telling the way I do.

Two days ago, I did a Bazi (Chinese astrology) reading. The master who did it has over 20 years of experience. He told me that my boyfriend (we’ve been together for five months) might cheat when he turns 40+. He even said that after marriage, he might become abusive and emotionally unstable. Hearing this really upset me, and I started wondering whether I should continue being with him or leave.

But when I’m with him, I actually feel really happy. Between the two of us, I’m the one who’s more emotional, not him, he will then encourage me to express my feelings. Sometimes when I play around with him, he pushes me away. Other than that, the only issue we have is occasional miscommunication since he’s a foreigner—his main language is English, while mine is Chinese.

I talked to him about it today. He listened to me very seriously and said that these things shouldn’t be believed. He told me that not cheating is one of his principles, especially because his father made that mistake, and he knows it’s something that can never be undone. He also said he really appreciates me sharing my thoughts with him.

This whole thing has been keeping me up for days—I haven’t been able to sleep well.

I tend to overthink a lot. I just can’t control it. Please give me advice. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for highlighting your problem that I havent seen on this forum before after many years.

If I told you I've been telling fortunes for 25 years and never got one wrong and that I also believe in this person that your partner will cheat on you... that would confirm the theory yes?. You'd likely go away and plan your separation... But no, I'm not a fortune teller but that is how easy anyone can portray someone with power over someone elses mind, a vulnerable mind. It is in fact potentially dangerous and can cause emotional harm to others. I particularly feel sad for your partner because this might not be the last time he has to combat opposition to him from an outside source.

Only on extreme occasions can people predict with some percentage of success, the future and that would be based on so many factors like someone that went in and out of jail many times and every time upon release they said they will never return there. These predictions are based on chance, the more often it has repeated the more accurate the predictions but essentially it is all guess work. The same can be said for persons with an addiction.

So I'd like you to try to put yourself in your partners shoes- he is quite happy apart from when he pushes you away (that can be a male thing btw) and suddenly his partner arrives home to have a conversation about what damning predictions he gave you that essentially is threatening his happy existence. Now he is faced with a challenge- he feels in order to save his relationship he must convince you that he is an individual without his fathers tendency to cheat. This means he has to prove his innocence when in fact he is painted a potential cheat by a third person a stranger. That is an extremely difficult position to be in.

To make it even more clear- if he arrived home and a workmate told him that his experience with women over many years is that they will leave you in the future and that your partner feels that he is right, that would make you insecure and you'd even beg to prove that workmate wrong.

People that plant the seeds of doubt, be it fortune tellers, workmates, astronomers, the stars, are not fully realistic and can be damaging to a couples stability.

Your partner deserves more than any third persons opinions.

I wish you well

TonyWK

[tevont]

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your comment.

I thought about it again last night. I also feel that this is really unfair to him. And as of now, he truly treats me very well. But I know this thought will always be in my head.

Yesterday, he seriously tried to convince me and told me that he had never even considered doing such a thing. But I told him that people can change.

Right now, I don’t know what to do. Every night before bed, these thoughts keep running through my mind. I have to rely on meditation just to fall asleep. I always overthink things.

I don’t know how to let go of these thoughts. Do you have any advice on how to stop overthinking?

[white knight]

Indeed I do.

This is where our lived experience is beneficial.

Intrusive thoughts come around and that isnt your fault. People here that have mental health issues often dont have full control of their minds so it wanders, particularly if you-

• Have a lot of free time with a active mind
• Have been scarred by past events eg you've been cheated on
• Are generally insecure
• Allow outside influences (even reality TV shows)
• Lack hobbies and interests
• Dont know how to deal with intrusive thoughts.

So after decades of these thoughts entering my head and therapy to deal with them I came away with a mixture of what my therapist taught me plus my own ideas.

• Distraction is the most effective tool to implement. Meaning whether its a walk around the block, walking to a spare room to do 20 minutes of a jigsaw, ring a friend and chat etc all these small movements break a cycle. Eg walk around the block you'll smell flowers, get exercise, see animals, talk to people and so on. All your sensors are working in unison to distract you from whatever you were thinking of.
• Thinking Realistically. Challenge your thoughts by asking yourself "am I being realistic". If not then try a distraction, if you think you are then its ok to keep pondering on the thoughts. This is the decision making that you needed after that fortune teller. 
• Protect your relationship. It is priority number 1, dont allow anyone even your own intrusive thoughts sabotage it.
• Reassuring your partner. Relationships dont just happily continue, they need stimulus, changes, fun, ideas like go canoeing or fishing. 
• Share some interests but have your own for your own individualism.
• Be positive- dont entertain negative thoughts. eg "But I told him that people can change.".  That comment is entertaining the possibility he will cheat of you when he changes... thats a real negative comment Tevont. It would expose how insecure you are.

Being insecure means you also have some work in store to build up your confidence. Following my separation with my 1st wife I had been heavily criticized. Every day for 4 months I stodd at a mirror and told myself "you are a good person, a good dad, you will succeed, you will build that house, you will be proud". After 3 months it began to work. I was learning to praise myself and be confident. That isnt your partners job but his compliments do work!!

Here is a few threads to read. You only need to read the first post of each.

Reply anytime

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi tevont

When it comes to those who we pay to guide us toward and along the best paths for our future, they need to be careful with the information and imagery they put in our head. While I'm personally not a follower of astrology, I admit one of my 'go to' people for guidance is a psychic (who I might see once every few years or so). I know, not everyone's cup of tea but he's proven to be a brilliant guide for me at times when my life has felt incredibly dark and I haven't been able to see the way forward. More than anything, he's led me to see the reasons for why things feel or appear so dark. He feels more like a counselor than anything else. I like to think of him as my seer when I can't see for myself. There is a number one golden rule in the world of psychic guidance and that is never tell anyone anything that's going to negatively impact them. The reason for this is because they're then negatively influencing a person's future in a number of mind altering ways. It's important that the guidance we seek, in whatever form, does not lead us to fear, stress, depression and so on. If our guide (friend, family member, psychologist, seer, astrologer etc) leads us to serious fear, stress, depression etc then they're the wrong guide for us and could even be considered to be a destructive guide in some way. 

Even though the astrologer has years of experience, this doesn't mean he's the right guide for you or that he's accurate in how he reads things. With the cheating, the question is 'How does your partner cheat?'. Could be something simple and something easily resolved. For example, there might be a period of time where you feel the need for emotional validation but your partner cheats you out of feeling emotionally validated. Things change though when you discuss how you feel cheated out of expressing your emotions and your partner says 'I'm sorry, I wasn't conscious of doing this. I'm glad you told me. I'm going to listen to you and feel for you more carefully in the future'. So, all the fear and stress based on the astrologer misinterpreting what the 'cheating' was really about. What seers see and what astrologers read is all open to interpretation. It's important to keep in mind how they interpret or misinterpret things. While I'm not suggesting in any way you do this, you could find that if you went to a different reader, they would give you a different interpretation that doesn't involve your partner cheating or being abusive in the future. It could reveal him as being the most loyal and loving person you could ever find. In the meantime, you're stuck with all this stressful and upsetting imagery in your head. Finding a trusted person, perhaps someone close to you, to lead you to imagine differently could be the key to unlocking and opening your mind. Once your mind is open again, you can let the negative stuff out (the stuff you don't need or want) and positive imagery in. Then you could get on with simply loving each other and evolving with each other in the relationship you share together.

If it helps, you could say 'The astrologer I saw is not a positive guide and is leading me in the wrong direction (through fear)'. ❤️