New to the forum, need someone to talk to

[W_Lee]

I have never been part of a forum or spoken about my feelings or personal situation before, but I feel like I am very isolated and have no one to confide in. I don't really know how to go about getting help or how to ask for it so I am just going to type my feelings and explain my situation.
I have been married for 21 years, have 3 kids 9, 15 and 17. My marriage has been shaky I guess for the last 10 years or so. My husband and I seem to have different values than we did when we were first married. Many of our arguments are about respect and me feeling insignificant and unimportant. I have many times expressed my feelings to my husband and not much happens. He makes me feel stupid for feeling that way and since I am not good at defending myself on the spot, I am unable to properly express/defend my feelings. I have been living like this for years and just have accepted my life for the sake of my kids happiness. One is doing VCE and I don't want to add any more stress to her life, so I have just let things be. I recently, by accident, discovered my husband is watching a lot of porn and may even be watching live porn. I am not sure how I should feel about this or if I should confront him. I know if I do it will mean almost definitely complete marriage breakdown and if I don't I am going to lose my mind. I have had migraines every day since I found out and the stress of knowing that he is watching this stuff late at night turns my stomach and I am not sure how I will ever be close to him again. Is there any advise anyone can give me on how to deal with this please?

[ecomama]

Dear W.Lee and a belated Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you're here but sorry for the reasons you came.

I've read all the posts on your thread. There are such kind and caring people here.

I understand your reluctance to bring up the porn issue with H since he sounds like a bully tbh.
Why else would you be scared to bring this up?

If I were you I would still attend your shared GP for your migraines on Monday, ofcourse.
But you can always make an appt with a DIFFERENT GP perhaps a woman in another surgery to talk to her about this if you feel you can and / or get a MHCP for a psych / Counsellor.

You see after 6 or so sessions the MH professional is under obligation to send a report back to the referring GP.

Tbh I'm not sure where all this is leading, so it would be more advisable to see a different GP that H does not know about then the content of the report stays private.

On the porn issue. It's clearly affecting you A LOT. Are the feelings you're having of betrayal in your marriage?

Until this is out in the open, there'll be a big fat elephant in every room. I hope your migraines can subside with all this going on inside your aching head right now.

You can "practice" talking through this with a helpline (this can be categorised as sexual abuse) and you may be able to discuss and answer questions from this Counsellor of any other controlling behaviours H exhibits.

You may even be able to book a Marriage Counsellor if you're afraid to bring it up by yourself.
I think this could possibly be seen by H as you blindsiding him but... IDK.

I doubt he'll be "pleased" no matter how or when you bring it up tbh.

Hope you get some relief soon on all issues.

EM