New & Struggling

[sleepdeprived]

Hi and thank-you for having me here. Over the last 3-4 months my wife and I have been having problems, we've never really been able to communicate effectively and have often crossed messages. We have been together almost 13 years and married for 5.5. She admitted she went down a road over the last few months she wasn't aware she was going down. We have become more distant, most likely as a result of my work as I am essentially a self-employed FIFO. She gave me a very small opportunity to make a change and choose her that I missed,whilst at the same time not listening to what I needed. I was the constant voice of expressing my love and affection, but also the voice that at the time I couldn't remove myself from the situation of being a FIFO for financial reasons for us. I didn't and don't enjoy it, being the unhappiest and unhealthiest I have ever been, but I was prepared to sacrifice for us. We also purchased a business 6 months ago which was our dream, me being the sole operator and she having her own profession.

She requested space, so I have moved out on Saturday, but now she tells me it is a separation leading to divorce. I didn't stand a chance, she wouldn't communicate with me nor entertain couples counselling. She maintains to live where we were, with very little change to her life (she has become used to being alone with my work & she assures me there is no one else in the picture), with our limited support network as we moved from interstate. My support network is extremely limited as I haven't had a chance to find a group of friends due to constant travel, have to deal with 2 businesses in different states.

I am extremely lost, emotionally, my anxiety is peaking like it never has before. I feel ashamed that I couldn't make my marriage work, that I will become a statistic. I feel rejected, worthless, lost. As this is only a few days old the pain is extremely real and fresh. I feel I don't belong anywhere and have no home, as my wife was the beacon I always was heading for. My wife has said there is no chance of reconciliation. I saw the psych yesterday who basically said it was over and to move on. I can't accept that and have been distraught. I am worthy of love, and our relationship is worth fighting for.

Do I give her space and try to move forward and establish a 'new' relationship in the future. We to now for me? Exhausted and not sleeping and eating very little. Great family support but 1000's kms away. Possibly will see a GP

SleepDeprived

[Peppermintbach]

Hi sleepdeprived,

I hope it’s okay if I extend a warm and caring welcome to you to the forums. Things sound like they have been very rough for you. I’m so sorry about the separation; you must be feeling devastated, lost, hurt and completely heartbroken.

It’s clear that you love her deeply and that she means the world to you. I feel it’s absolutely heart wrenching when one partner wants to leave but the other partner still wants to hold on. I really feel for you...

About your question, I must admit I’m not exactly great at relationships myself so I’m not sure if I’m the best person to give advice. Nevertheless, I’ll give it a go. When it comes down to it, I feel it’s your call of course but I’ll just offer my gentle thoughts on what’s happening...

Sadly, I feel if your wife is adamant that there is no chance of reconciliation, maybe pushing for contact might make her even more reluctant to talk. Perhaps, and I know it will be hard, maybe give her space for now but also express you still love her and would be prepared to work on your relationship.

Maybe you could agree to give her space but ask if maybe you could talk in a few months time to see if she still feels the same way as she does now. Although I’m not sure if she will agree to it plus I’m not sure if that would help or just prolong your pain...something to think about maybe...

Either way, for now, maybe try to engage in basic self care like trying to eat more, gentle exercise (e.g. short walks), spend some time outdoors, etc. Just the basics to allow yourself to heal...

I’m glad you’re seeing a psych and if you’re finding that helpful then I hope you continue with your sessions. I also like your idea to see your GP. I feel the more professional supports you have in place, the better positioned you will be to help yourself...

I hope you feel welcome to write as often as you like here. It can be good to talk, vent, ask questions, etc. There are many compassionate members on these forums.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[sleepdeprived]

Hi Pepper,

Many thanks for taking the time to reply. My wife did reach out to my brother saying she felt I was not doing well and that I may need some support (due to my geographical isolation), my family who are extremely compassionate and caring organised my eldest sister to fly up and spend a few days with me before I returned doing my FIFO work where I am closer to family. I have changed my roster so I will spend more with people around me and so I and my wife can have space despite how desperately I want to contact her, this I did for me rather than her, as I knew the first few weeks I will be extremely fragile. I also saw my GP who has given me a GP MHCP and something to help me sleep, which has so far been fantastic.

My wife also reached out to my sister whilst she was visiting and did have a long conversation with tears and emotion, also expressing her concern for a number of things but also stated she does not know if things with progress. My sister asked if I was open to this meeting which I was, as it was a form of indirect contact, but I feel there has been some negative effects and some ways I felt undermined, but this is possibly in my head. I find now I am second guessing all my feelings and the way I understand things to be. I feel I have also been cut off by my wife's family, as they are much more black and white than mine, who are trying to be as compassionate to me but as neutral and understanding of both sides as possible.

It is interesting and harrowing times, progress will be slow and sometimes it will stagnate. Our friends just want to help and I don't want them to take sides. I am doing what I know feel is best for me, but it also may be beneficial for us. Hindsight is 20 twenty.

SleepDeprived

[Peppermintbach]

Hi SleepDeprived,

It’s good to see you posting here again. Thank you so much for writing...I’m glad to hear from you and you’re most welcome 🙂

I’m impressed by how you’re handling such a difficult and painful situation by engaging in self care. Good on you. I’m glad you’re rearranging your schedule and have seen your eldest sister plus your GP sounds really helpful and understanding too.

Although it must really hurt to be cut off by your wife’s family. But it’s good your own family is trying to be fair and compassionate to both sides. Your family sound like they are really lovely and caring people...

The meeting seems to be playing on your mind a fair amount. Sometimes I feel it’s hard to make sense of our own thoughts and feelings when everything is still so raw...maybe in good time, things will become clearer to you. Till then, maybe things will be confusing and even overwhelming for a while...

Personally, I think it’s okay if progress is slow and it’s also okay if it stagnates at times; I feel progress is often far less consistent than we anticipate and it’s okay to stumble and fall sometimes. I know that I, for one, certainly stumble and fall (many, many times too)...

I’m thinking of you and sending caring thoughts your way. There’s no pressure or rush but if you find writing here helpful then please go for it. Happy to listen...

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper

[sleepdeprived]

Pepper thanks your time.

I feel there now is definitely no hope of resolution, she has been talking about getting lawyers involved to divide assets, which we both previously said we can't afford. I think she will find that it may have more negative effects on her position than she may realise, as I was going to take on much more of the liabilities. I understand this needs to be done, but it was a bit of a slap in the face.

My family and friends are being wonderful and supporting me fabulously, I feel that I am burdening them with my constant need to talk and for advice. This turn in events has shaken my plans for me moving forward given the potential financial consequences and ability to function without undue duress. I am self-employed as a sole trader and she has a well paid job (recent promotion) yet she is till trying to flag my job as a joint asset which will be sold. It is all very painful.

I am a romantic and still harbour a hope we can work things out in time, but logically I can see this is not possible and wish I could more quickly come to term with the fact. She still calls me her best friend but she certainly isn't treating me like it or communicating in such a way.

I am hurting, I feel sick, anxious, often catastrophise, and some days think why? We didn't communicate when we should have as we were on different emotional timelines and now it is impossible to find middle ground. I want to feel more normal again and find joy in the world and mean something special to someone and them to me, not family and friends. I want the physical and emotional intimacy, not necessarily sex. I am worth it.

I will keep writing, for catharsis if nothing else.

Not sleeping again.

SleepDeprived

[Peppermintbach]

Hi sleepdeprived,

Very aptly named considering your sleep struggles. I’m sorry about the lack of sleep. I feel it just makes everything feel many times worse when sleep is an issue...

Everything that has happened has understandably shaken you. I think it hurts that much more because you still love and care for her...the heartbreak must be devastating. Plus all this about lawyers and dividing assets must be enormous emotional and financial blows to you...

I feel it’s hard when one person is ready to let go and the other person (you) is still not ready/doesn’t want to. I suppose this is something that can’t be forced...sadly, I feel you’ll be able to move forward when you’re ready but not before...

Your friends and family sound wonderful. I get what you mean by your fears of “burdening” them but I don’t think that’s the case.

They clearly want and choose to be there for you so maybe just accept their love and care. I’m sure there will be a time when things change and you will be able to reciprocate, and offer them all the support they have given you (plus you may have done so in the past anyway). So for now, I’m suggesting you make the most of all the available support...they want to be there for you.

I’m glad writing is helping. By all means, keep writing if you’re finding it cathartic...we would like to support you.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[sleepdeprived]

Pepper, your words are comforting.

I apologise if I repeat myself. I'm having a bit of a down day today, need to vent but I am still very much strugging with the fact my wife can so simply end our marriage of 5.5years/relationship of 12.5years and not want anything to do with me. I feel so vulnerable, lonely and with no direction. The goals that I was working towards for us are now for me, but I don't know if I want them. The businesses were 'our' dream, she has said 'they are no longer mine, I have let go of them!' I am still seeing a pysch when I can due to work commitments and trying to have a positive outlook, and despite what I know in my head, still hope in time we can work things out and establish a 'new relationship'. This is not the case, but it at present gives me cold comfort.

I want to hold her, share her triumphs and successes and work our problems out. Hopefully time will heel.

Thanks again.

SleepDeprived

[quirkywords]

Sleepdeprived

Pepper has been very welcoming and has written you very helpful and supportive posts.

I can not add much to what she has written but I too wanted to welcome you and thank you for the honesty and emotion in your posts.

I can feel the shock and pain you are feeling from your wife ending the relationship.

I read somewhere that one of the main ways we get upset is due to disappointed expectations. You would expected your marriage would last a very long time and your businesses you thought were the dream of both of you.

As you said it is early days and you should not put pressure on yourself or on her. It is very raw and emotional

and glad you are seeing you a psych.

I am pleased the writing is helping you.

Quirky

[animatali]

Dear sleep deprived. Oh my heart goes out to you. And your wife. I have heard FIFO and families have a v high rate of depression. It must be very hard. I remember when my first marriage ended, I felt an enormous amount of shame. It’s a hard feeling to tackle. Just as all relationships are hard work. They take a lot of give and take, and a whole heap more. I do not profess to be v good at them. What I do know is that we can never change our spouse. We can only change ourselves. As hard as it may seem now, do try to sort your health out. And your responses to your wife. My current marriage is not the best at the moment. My husband is suffering from depression, and he is driving me crazy. Sometimes his behaviour is like a “pathetic wet blanket”, helpless and needy. Not an attractive package at all. Now I know if he got out more, eased off the drinking, interacted with other people more, he would appear more attractive to me, like he was when we met. (He has already lost a bundle of weight without even trying, which makes him look SO much better)

im rambling. I just wanted to reach out to you. You make changes within yourself, and your wife will respond differently towards you. Your marriage may or may not be salvageable. But I’m here feeling your pain

[Peppermintbach]

Hi sleepdeprived,

You’re most welcome and I feel there’s nothing to apologise for. I think, if anything, it can be cathartic to unload some of your pain here...better to release some of it than to keep it all inside. So, by all means, please vent away. We are listening...

Like caring Quirky and animatali, I also feel your sense of loss and pain. There’s a quote about how one of the hardest things we can do is to grieve a person who is still living (sorry, I forget who to attribute this to).

I feel maybe that’s partly what you’re doing now...I feel you’re in mourning. Grieving for not only the loss of a relationship but the loss of a future you had envisioned together...that must be devastating and heart breaking.

Like your other lovely supporters here, I am listening. Write as much as you like...

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper